The General Said I Would Have Days Like This
by Lady FoxFire
Summary: Stargate SG1Harry Potter Sometime in life you have to do the one thing you absolutely dread to get the one thing you absolutely need or want, so you can do the one thing you have to do. And sometime people get sucked in to it. Post Hogwarts, Slash
1. Wet, Naked and in Trouble

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and Stargate SG-1, what a combination. If I owned either one of them or even both of them I won't be working for a living and trying to figure out how to pay my taxes. Damn tax man.

Author Notes: I will state for the record that Sirius' death in Book 5 never happened. This is a post Hogwarts fic.

I have no clue what season this would be for SG-1, we'll figure it out together. Also while I am a fan of SG-1, I am no expert. So any mistakes you find please blame them on my SG-1 expert advisors.

As a last note, the timeline had been adjusted to make this fic possible.

* * *

Wet, Naked and in Trouble

By Lady FoxFire

April 14, 2006

In the center of windowless room, the light of a hundred black candles silhouetted a man in a pale blue cloak. His hood pulled down to expose his flaming red hair as he knelt on smooth stone floor, inscribing a complex lattice of lines and swirls on the floor with dark blue chalk. Occasionally, he would consult a roll of parchment curled up by his knee before adding another strand to the already complex design.

"Are you sure this will work?" A young man donning a pure white cloak asked as he halted his relentless pacing only to stare down at a sheet of parchment in his hands. A complex series of drawings and what appeared to be a mix of Latin; Egyptian and Gaelic stared back at him in the flickering firelight.

"It will work," the red-haired man said as he drew a circle around the complex pictogram.

The young man chewed on his bottom lip. "But should we," he asked. "This is someone's life we're interfering with. What right have we to do this to him, to take away his choice, his chance to have a normal life?"

A third man, his face hidden behind a light green cloak, appeared behind the young man placing his hands on the youth's shoulders to offer comfort.

"We don't have a choice anymore." He said as he reached out and gently took the parchment from the younger man's hand. "We did all that we could, and now we have to do what must be done."

"It's not fair," the young man said as he lowered his head in defeat.

"It never is."

"We're ready," the red head said as he stood up.

The three-hooded figures took their places around the chalk drawing, candlelight casting eerie shadows upon them as they raised their arms and began a low chant.

The candles began to flicker with the growing thrum of power as if caught in an airless breeze.

And the chanting continued.

* * *

Colonel Jack O'Neill let out a sigh of pleasure as he stepped under the hot, pounding spray of the shower, the scalding water washing away the mud and dirt of PGX-378.

"Nothing is better than a hot shower after a long mission," Jack mused with pleasure before ducking his head under the spray.

"I concur, O'Neill." Teal'c said in his usual monotone as he stepped in his stall, a smile flickered across the corners of his mouth as he turned on his own shower.

"So after we're done here, what do you think of a super supreme deep-dish pizza, some beer and a movie?" Jack said, his stomach growling in anticipation of the messy feast. Grabbing his wash cloth, he lathered it up and scrubbed at his chest.

"I find no reason not to. Perhaps Major Carter and Daniel Jackson would join us," Teal'c said.

"A capital idea," Jack replied in a corny British accent. "Knowing them they're probably busy studying some rock or some great big alien device that ties your shoe-laces for you," Jack reached for his bar of soap once again only for it to slip out of his hand. "Damn," he cursed to himself. "I won't be surprise to one day find that they're starved to death while study some whatever."

"Death due to lack of food consumption usually takes many weeks, O'Neill. I am sure that Major Carter and Daniel Jackson would have obtained proper substance before than," Teal'c observed.

"True. Very true," Jack said as he bent over to pick up the soap. "I'm sure the General would have made sure they ate regul–" Jack halted whatever comment he was about to make as he stood up and realized he was no longer in SGC's men's showers. The bar of soap once again slipped from his hand.

Colonel O'Neill found himself in a windowless room. Its walls were made from huge granite blocks like one would find in a castle, yet the stone floor was as smooth as the floor one would find in a modern day office building.

O'Neill stood, shivering from the cooler air, surrounded by three-cloaked figures, their faces hidden in the shadows of their hoods.

"Well, at least he's well hung," the man in the green cloak commented.

"Oh for cryin' out loud!"


	2. Is It Friday Yet?

Disclaimer: Nope don't own, don't make any money from this fic, so please don't sue.

Bad Author Notes: I have no clue what season this would be for SG-1, we'll figure it out together. Also while I am a fan of SG-1, I am no expert. So any mistakes you find please blame them on my SG-1 expert advisors.

I will be trying to update this fic once a month. Right now I'm trying to edit chapter 5, so as you can tell I do have enough matter to last us a couple months.

Is It Friday Yet?

by Lady FoxFire

May 14, 2006

* * *

"Well, at least he's well hung."

"Oh bloody hell! Sirius! I can't believe you said that," the smallest figure in the white cloak exclaimed in outrage as the figure cloaked in light blue chuckled softly.

The green cloaked figure who had been addressed as Sirius continued to ignore the smaller figure. "I was figured it would be a red head with… you know… big," Sirius said as he held out his hands in front of his chest, trying to indicate large breasts.

"Sirius!" The white hooded figured hissed, embarrassment emanating from the voice of a young man.

"I mean, if he's what you're into guys, Harry, I'm alright with that, but I kind of wished you had warned us," Sirius babbled as he pulled the hood of his cloak down, revealing a dark hair man, roughly the same age as Jack. "He's a bit older than I expected, and a bit more scarred up than I would have preferred," Sirius stated as he looked over O'Neill as if inspecting a side of beef or an animal for sale, "but if he's what you want…"

"Excuse me," O'Neill said sarcastically, crossing his arms over his chest without any apparent concern that his family jewels were being exposed to the whole room for examination.

"Sirius," the smaller of the figures admonished. He pushed the hood of his cloak down to reveal a young man, who appeared to be in this late teens or early twenties with jet-black hair and green eyes, "shut up!"

The third figure chuckled softly.

"But Harry," Sirius started to say, only to snap his mouth shut as he saw Harry's eyes, eyes that had seen too much before his time, flare with anger—eyes that O'Neill had only seen in General Hammond and in himself.

"Excuse me," O'Neill interjected again, but this time with more force. "I want to know who you are, where I am, and how the hell I got here!" he demanded, the indignation in his eyes mirroring those of the Harry character.

"Well, he definitely has your eyes, Harry," the third member, a red headed man in the group said with a nervous chuckle.

"Stow it, Bill," Harry said as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"You have a point, Bill," Sirius said a smirk on his face. "Are you sure you read that right? I mean, we seem to have an older Harry, not what we were expecting."

While they argued amongst themselves, O'Neill slowly edged to the door, only to be stopped by an invisible wall less than three feet from where he appeared. Looking down, O'Neill saw that he was inside a chalk circle. He pressed the palms of his hands against the invisible wall, trying to figure it out

"It's for your protection," Harry said as he stepped closer, yet still outside of the circle, to O'Neill, drawing his attention from his investigation of the wall entrapping him within the chalk circle.

"My protection?" O'Neill said, an eyebrow raised in disbelief.

"And ours," Harry replied with a nervous smile and a shrug of his shoulders. "We weren't sure whom or what we would summon…So better safe than sorry."

"Summon?" O'Neill said with an edge to his voice as he crossed his arms over his chest once again.

"It's slightly more complex than a simple apparition or a summoning spell. It's actually a combination of several spells, including one that can be attuned to search for specified traits," the red haired man named Bill explained.

"Apparition spell?" O'Neill said with a raised eyebrow.

The three men looked at each other, a dawning look of knowledge forming on their faces as they turned back to O'Neill. "You're not a wizard, are you?" Bill asked.

"No," Jack replied completely un-phased about the mentioned magic and wizardry.

The three men stared at O'Neill with dread and hopelessness, as if all their hopes and dreams had turned to ashes in their mouths.

With a sigh, Harry did a standard magician's magic trick and made what appeared to be a conductor's wand appear from mid air. Harry waved his hand in the air, then kneeled down and erased a bit of the chalk circle.

Standing up Harry, and O'Neill looked straight into each other's eyes. Without saying a word Harry removed his cloak, reviewing a simple dark green pullover and a pair of black pants which looked to be leather but clearly wasn't.

Harry held the cloak out to O'Neill.

O'Neill looked down at the cloak, then into Harry's eyes before he reached out for the cloak and put it on, all without a word.

"So your name is Harry?"

"Harry Potter, but you can call me Harry." Turning to the other men in the room, "And this is Sirius Black and William Weasley, Bill to his family and friends. And you are?"

"Colonel Jack O'Neill, US Air Force," O'Neill said very formally.

"Active?" Harry asked while both Sirius and Bill shared a puzzled look.

"Yes," O'Neill replied, his eyes narrowing suspiciously.

"Shit," Harry swore as he ran his hand through his hair. "Can this get any worse?"

"So tell me, Harry Potter, where are we?" O'Neill finally asked, breaking the silence that had settled between them.

"My home," Harry replied simply.

"Your home," Jack replies. "And where is your home?"

"About kilometer northeast of Abergwesyn," Harry stated as he thrashed his hands into the pockets of his pants

"Abergwesyn?" Jack said, an eyebrow raised.

"It's small town in western Wales," Bill supplied as he removed his robe.

"Wales as in Great Britain?" Jack said both eyebrows raised in surprise

Harry nods his head.

"On Earth?" Jack replied, surprise tingeing his voice.

Sirius and Bill shared a look of concern at this, both of them worried that the spell they had used was having some unusual side effects.

"Of course on Earth," Harry turned with a look of surprise and confusion on his face. "Where else would we be?"

Jack blinked a couple times then shrugged his shoulder. "Good point."

Suddenly Harry grabbed onto O'Neill's arm as he swayed on his feet. Jack grabbed on to Harry.

"Harry? Are you alright?" Sirius said as he hurried over to Harry's side and lend his support.

Harry nodded. "I think that spell took a bit more out of me than I thought."

Then in the silence, Jack's stomach growled loudly.

"Anyone know where a good pizza place is?"

Harry snorted.

* * *

Jack looked around the room which any five-star hotel would consider their master suite, with a huge canopy bed as the center feature.

"I hope this room is okay," Harry said nervously as he stood in the doorway. "There's a bathroom in there," he said pointing to a closed door on the far way, "I know it has a bathtub and maybe a shower. You might want to take a hot bath so you can get warmed up while I see about getting you some clothes."

"Some food would be nice too," Jack stated as he pulled the drapes open to review tall narrow windows that didn't appear to be able to be opened.

Harry nodded his head. "Oh, yeah. Of course, I'll ask Dobby bring something up? Anything in particular you would like?"

"Something hot and filling," Jack said turning his back on the window.

"Right," Harry muttered to himself. "I'll go see about getting you some clothes." With that, Harry backed out of the room, shutting the door behind him

With a sigh, O'Neill pulled Harry's cloak off and allowed it to fall to the floor while he headed for a hot shower.

Jack stopped a few feet from the bathroom door, glancing over at the closed bedroom door. Jack closed his eyes and clicked his heels together while saying, "There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home."

Open one eye slowly, Jack slumped in disappointment. "It's probably because I don't have the damned dog," he sighed before opening the bathroom door.

* * *

Sirius stood outside the bedroom door of their new guest, with some of his clothes that he thought might fit the Colonel tucked under his arm. He has just raised his hand to knock on the door when he heard Jack speaking to himself.

"There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's…."

Sirius raised an eyebrow, his mouth twisted into a sneaky smile. "Remus is going to love this one," he mumbled to himself. "Now, I wonder where we put those slippers…"

* * *

Jack stood in front of the window, his arms crossed over his chest and he stared out at the inky blackness of the night, listening to the silence of the manor. With a quick nod of his head, Jack turned away from the window, grabbing the cloak Harry had given him. He made his way silently to the bedroom door.

Turning the knob as slowly possible so that it did not make any noise, Jack eased the door open to reveal a dark hallway.

With skills that the military had drummed into him until it became second nature, O'Neill slinked down the hallway, hopefully to his freedom.

* * *

"Cheyenne Mountain Command Post/Security. Lt. Wilcox. How may I help you?"

A young officer greeted as he picked up his phone.

"I have a toll call from a Jack O'Neill for George Hammond," the international operator droned in a nasal voice. "Will you accept the charges?"

"Yes. Yes, we will," Lt. Wilcox replied.

"One moment, please," the operator replied.

Wilcox placed his hand over the receiver and leaned towards a fellow officer. "Contact General Hammond and SG-1. And someone get a trace on this call."

"Hello," an exhausted but nervous voice said over the phone.

"Colonel O'Neill? This is Lt. Wilcox," the young man said as another officer picked up an extension to listen into the conversation.

"Lt. Wilcox, I am so happy to hear you voice," Colonel O'Neill stated.

"I can image, sir," Lt. Wilcox stated. "Can you tell us where you are, sir?"

"Yeah. I can do that."


	3. 500 Bottles of Beer on the Wall

Disclaimer: I do not own either the Harry Potter series or the SG-1 series; to be truthful they own me. I am their writing slave.

Bad Author Notes: this chapter is dedicated to Seulwolf a.k.a. Kim; who assistance, patients, knowledge and understand made this chapter possible. Hell it's her fault I'm writing this fic after all.

Yes I know this chapter is late but my Muse had a break down and took me with her and then I had a break down and she didn't go with me. I'll try to do better next month but no promises, I just can't get the shower and Janet to work out right yet.

* * *

500 Bottles of Beer on the Wall

By Lady FoxFire

June 25, 2006

* * *

Daniel stared at the video monitor, watching as Jack sat on the hospital bed, dressed only in a hospital gown, swinging his feet.

Noticing that Jack was saying something, Daniel turned to the base doctor, Dr McDaniel and asked "Does this thing have sound?"

Dr McDaniel growled softly. "Yes, it does," he said before hitting a switch.

"... takes one down and pass it around. 23 bottles of beer on…" could be heard coming from the speakers before the doctor turned it off.

"He started with 500 bottles," the doctor said with a snort.

"Well at least he's in good spirits," Daniel commented with a smirk.

"That man is a certifiable insane," Dr McDaniel retorted as he glared at Daniel.

"Well while Jack might be a bit… high strung I would hardly consider him insane," Daniel said.

"The Colonel claims have escaped on foot from a castle near the village of Abergwesyn," Dr McDaniel states as he crossed his arm over his chest. "This of course is impossible."

"And why is that?" Teal'c, said looking up from where he was examining the clothes Colonel O'Neill was brought in with.

"Because there is no castle near Abergwesyn," the doctor said raising his nose slightly in the air. "The closest castle is a number of hours away by motor car."

"Are you positive about that?" Daniel asked as he turned away from the monitor.

The doctor nodded his head with a wry smile. "Positive. My wife has a 'thing' about castles. I've been dragged from one side of Great Britain to the other, touring everything from mounds of dirt where castles once stood to ruins and castles still in use. There is no castle or remains of a castle near Abergwesyn, trust me."

Major Carter closed the medical file she had been given and turned her full attention to the base doctor and head of security. "What else did the Colonel say?"

The head of base security, Colonel Jason Campbell cleared his throat, his eyes narrowed at Dr McDaniel before the good doctor could open his mouth once again.

"He claims to have been taken by three men, one of which was a young man named Harry Potter who claimed to own the castle Colonel O'Neill escaped from," Campbell reported. "But just like the castle, there is no one by that name who matches the description that the colonel provided in the region."

"How can you be positive of that?"

"Abergwesyn is a small village," Colonel Campbell states. "Everyone knows everyone and strangers are instantly noticed. Add in the fact that the Colonel stated that 'Harry' had jet black hair and weird green eyes, we were pretty confident to rule out everyone by that name in Wales."

"This material is not leather," Teal'c interjected as he held up the pair of pants. "I am unfamiliar with it."

"Of course it's leather," the doctor snapped. "What else could it be?"

"That is the question," Teal'c replied, one eyebrow raised.

"He's right," Daniel comment as he examined the clothes, "and whatever the shirt is made of, it isn't silk or any man made material."

Colonel Campbell walked over and glanced at the shirt. "So what is it?"

"Well, when we find this Harry Potter, we can ask him," Daniel said as he continued to examine the clothes.

* * *

"…takes one down and pass it around. No more bottles of beer on the wall," Colonel O'Neill trailed off as his song ended.

The M.P., who was given the duty to guard the Colonel, sighed with relief.

With a sigh Jack hoped off the hospital bed, his hand automatically reaching behind him so he could close the gap in the hospital gown. "Whoever designed this damned thing had to have been a doctor, only they are sadistic enough to put the opening in the back and provide no way to close it," Jack mumbled to himself.

The M.P. snorted as he tried to remain professional and not to react to anything the Colonel said or did.

Hearing the snort, Jack continued with his monologue as he paced along the length of the room. "And stethoscopes. Why are they always cold? And why can't the doctor take minute to warm the damn thing up. Or do they just like to torture us?"

Jack continued on cursing the medical field as he paced back and forth, his hand clasping the back of the robe closed the whole time.

"I'm bored, bored, bored," Jack grumbled to himself as he read a medical poster for the fourth time. "Not even a damn two year old magazine to read."

Turning to the M.P. Jack asked, "You wouldn't have something I could read, would you?"

"Sorry sir, I don't, sir," the M.P. replied.

Jack sighed as he ran his hand through his short, graying hair. "I kind of figured that you would say that."

Jack pursed his lips together and made the sound of a motor boat in frustration.

The M.P closed his eyes and heaved the sigh that millions of parents sigh when their children start to act like this.

The Colonel continued to circle the room once again, taking in each feature that he came across as he wandered.

As he stood in front of a poster showing the inside of the human eye, O'Neill shivered once before turning around and walking quickly towards the door.

"I'm sorry, sir," the M.P. said as he stepped in front of the Colonel, blocking his way to the door, "I have orders not to allow you to leave this room."

O'Neill cocked his head to the side as he fixed at the soldier with a glazed look in his eyes. "I have to find him," he said in a flat tone of voice. "He needs me. We must be together."

The M.P. brow furrowed in confusion over the sudden change in the Colonel, "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't. Perhaps the doctor will let you."

"No. I need to go now," O'Neill said as he tried to push past the guard.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I can't let you leave," the M.P. said as he stood his ground.

O'Neill stumbled back a couple of steps from the guard and blinked repeatedly as he shook his head. "What... what happened?"

"Sir?" the M.P. said in confusion.

"I… I…" Jack said as a wild panicked looked came a crossed his face.

"Sir?" The M.P. said as he took a step toward the Colonel, the concern he felt evident on his face.

Suddenly Jack's eyes rolled up into his head as he fell to the floor, his body thrashing about madly.

"MEDIC!"

* * *

"Code Blue in room 6! Stat!"

"Shit!" Dr McDaniel exclaimed as he pushed Major Carter aside and ran from the room.

Major Carter, Colonel Campbell, and Teal'c stared at the open doorway in confusion when suddenly Daniel barreled his way past them.

"It's Jack!" he shouted over his shoulder at them.

The others turned as one to look at the monitor. There on the TV screen was Jack on the floor, his body convulsing out of control. They watched in horror as nurses and the doctor rushed in with a crash cart behind them.

* * *

"He's convulsing, damn it!" Dr. McDaniel slid to the floor beside Colonel O'Neill's seizing body.

Dr. McDaniel rolled the larger man onto his side as best he could, giving O'Neill's body room to move as needed and keeping his airway open as they waited out the seizure.

"Why aren't they doing anything?" Daniel whispered to Sam and Teal'c as they slipped into the room and stood out of the way against the wall.

"They can't," Sam replied as she watched helplessly. "They need to wait until the seizure ends on its own. If they try to restrain his movements, the colonel will end up hurting himself."

"How long should that take?" Daniel asked as he chewed on his thumbnail nervously.

Carter shrugged her shoulders. "They vary. A minute or two… or longer."

"ColonelO'Neill has never had any inclinations of epilepsy before. Did something happen when he was abducted?" asked Teal'c.

"A foreign substance in his system that they didn't pick up?" Daniel turned worried eyes on his teammates.

"Possibly," Sam replied, a far away look in her eyes as she reviewed the medical file she had read in her mind. "Maybe something alien."

Teal'c eyes narrowed as he stared at something behind a group of nurses and other personnel.

"Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said softly

"Hmmm?" Daniel said absently.

"I believe that there is something else in the room," Teal'c said as he nodded his head towards the direction of the hospital personnel as he quietly pulled out his side arm."

"All right," Dr. McDaniel suddenly said, "I need 1 mg of Ativan IM."

"Excuse Dobby," a soft voice could be heard from behind the medical team.

"Nurse, get me a set of vitals," Dr. McDaniel ordered as he was handed the syringe.

"Dobby said excuse Dobby," the voice named Dobby said once again, but this time it was louder and more forceful.

This time one of the nurses heard the voice from behind her. Turning around, she saw…

"Oh my god," the nurse gasped in fear. Backing up from whatever it was, she tripped over O'Neill's body, allowing the rest of the room to see what frightened her.

There standing before them was a two-foot tall creature with huge green eyes, wearing an odd looking uniform and what appeared to be socks on its ears. And floating a few feet above and behind the creature was the body of a young man whose body was suffering from convolutions, his arms and legs twitching in mid-air.

All activity within the room stilled as those within exchanged wide-eyed stares with the strange creature.

"Harry Potter's Colonel Jack O'Neill was bad," the creature said in a high-pitched voice that one would find coming from a cartoon character. "Run away. Hurt Harry Potter, sir. But Dobby knows how to fix."

The body behind the creature calling itself Dobby suddenly floated forward towards Colonel O'Neill unconscious form.

"Don't move or I'll fire," a young M.P. suddenly said as he burst into the room, training his weapon on the creature

"You no hurt Harry Potter, sir," Dobby said as he glared at the M.P.

The M.P. let out a strangled scream as he dropped his gun, cradling his hand against his chest. "It burns," he cries out, eyeing his hands in bemusement.

More and more of the people in the room tried to back away from Dobby, blocking view the creature and Colonel O'Neill from the line of sight of SG-1. The SG-1 was finally able to shoulder their way through the other people just in time to watch the body that the creature had brought with him being lowered onto that of Jack's.

With a sigh Jack wrapped his arms around the young man, and the seizure both men had been suffering ended as suddenly as it began.

Daniel looked over at the creature, which appeared to be smiling fondly at the young man it had brought. Daniel had taken a few steps towards the creature when a number of soldiers entered the room; their weapons pointed at the creature.

Dobby's eyes widened at the sight of the number of guns pointed in his direction. His ears drooped as he gave a quick glance at the young man and Colonel O'Neill before vanishing with a sharp pop.

Almost everyone stared in silence at the empty space where the strange little creature had been.

"What the **fuck** was that?"


	4. Waking Up Next to You

Disclaimer: If I own either SG-1 or Harry Potter… well SG-1 would still be on the air with Jack O'Neill in command and Sirius Black would never have died but I don't so we just have to put up with my fic.

Bad Author Notes: ok I know this chapter is late and was due in July but Sam refused to work so I ended up scrapping two scenes because of her. UGH!!! And then I had to move due to my job and I finally got the move finish at the end of September and now can I start to write.

I went through 4 Betas/Editors for this one chapter. Two never got back to me after I emailed this chapter to them. One had her computer decide it hated the chapter and refused to save. Finally I was able to find one poor soul who could edit it and send it back to me… and of course she never read the other chapters. I blame Sam.

* * *

Waking Up Next to You

by Lady FoxFire

November 14, 2006

* * *

With a soft groan Jack open his eyes, only to groan louder when he realized he was once again back in the SGC hospital and therefore he was a prisoner to somewhat gentle torture of Dr Janet Frasier.

Staring up at the ceiling in silence for a couple minutes, Jack tried to figure out what was wrong; what felt out of place. Slowly raising his head, he looked down upon a mass of jet-black hair that was using his chest as a pillow.

Jack continued to stare at the mass of black hair as Dr Frasier stepped up to the bed and took Jack's wrist in her hand while she looked at her watch. "Colonel?" she asked concerned, when she didn't get the expected smart remark from him as she took his pulse.

Jack looked up at Janet with a 'confused little boy' look then back down at the person sharing his bed. "Am I missing something?" Jack asked as he looked up at Dr Frasier once again. "Did I miss a memo about lack of beds?" he inquired, waving his hand over his bedmate.

"It was necessary," Janet stated as she jotted down his blood pressure and pulse on his chart. "For some unknown reason it appears that you and your companion are somehow linked together."

"Linked together?" Jack mumbled.

"Yes," Frasier said as reassuringly as she could. "We've found that if you're separated for more than 20 minutes each of you will have an _adverse_ reaction."

"'Adverse reaction'?" Jack repeated back to the doctor. "Exactly what does that mean?"

"Convulsions," Frasier stated. "Both you and him will go into convulsions until reunited. The longer you're separated the worst the condition becomes. We believe that your bodies," Frasier nodded towards the young man sharing O'Neill's bed, "are excreting a chemical that when combined stops the convulsions."

Jack groaned in frustration at the doctor just told him, as his hand gently touched the other man's hair.

"At the moment we have him sedated until we can figure out what is going on," Frasier continued to explain.

"Wonderful," Jack said sarcastically as his head fell back onto the pillow and covered his eyes with his arm.

"How do you feel, Jack?" she asked as she noted that Jack's other hand was carding the younger man's hair.

Jack moved the arm covering his eyes so that it was now resting on the pillow above his head and stared at hospital ceiling. He opened his mouth for a moment, then closed it, his eyes narrowed, brow furrowed.

"Colonel?" Janet said her concern evident in her voice. "Are you in pain?"

"No. No, I'm fine," Jack said as Janet's question snapped out of his thoughts. "I'm just…."

"Just what?" Janet asked pulling up a stool and sitting down next to the bed. "Just what Jack?"

"Truthfully?" Jack asked more to himself than to Dr Frasier. Janet nodded her head.

"It's like… like I've just come home from a long trip?" Jack tried to explain what he was feeling. "Like I finally found my home… my place."

Janet nodded her head. "It's possible that the hormones are causing this reaction, to encourage those involved to stay together," she said more or less to herself as she made a note in Jack's files.

Jack snorted. "So it's like a drug. Stay together and feel good; try to kick the habit and suffer."

"Pretty much," Janet agreed with a shrug of her shoulder

Jack once again sighed of frustration. "My team?" Jack asked as he changed the subject. "Are they alright or were they taken too.

"They're fine Colonel. In fact they're been order them to stand down for the time being," General Hammond said as he stepped into the room. "I believed that Dr Frasier has also threaten them with a full body cavity exam if the step inside the hospital without a minimum of 8 hours of sleep."

"Sir," O'Neill said as a form of greeting.

General Hammond nodded to Dr Frasier in greeting.

"I'll be going," Janet said more to herself as she got up and left them alone

"How are you doing, son?" Hammond said as he walked over to O'Neill's bed, his eyes taking in the view of the young man sharing Jack's bed, his head pillowed on Jack's chest.

"Could be better," Jack said as he noticed his fingers running though Harry's hair. Frowning at himself, he continued to touch the soft strands. "I take it you know about the connection?"

Hammond nodded his head. "We have our best people on it trying to figure out what's going on; exploring every possibility. We're also trying to contact the Asgaard to see if they know anything about the new alien or for a way to break whatever been done to you and..."

"Harry," Jack said with a soft smile as he glanced down at his sleeping companion. "His name's Harry."

"To you and Harry," the General said.

"Right," Jack said in a drawn out tone of voice. "So I'm some alien fucking lab rat again but this time with friend?" Jack closed his eyes and let out a bone wearily sigh. "Just please, please tell me it was someone else beside Loki."

"Someone else," Hammond said as he tried unsuccessfully to hide his smirk.

Jack sighed. "I just wish someone would tell me what I did in a previous life to deserve all this shit."

"So do I," Hammond chuckled softly. "So do I."

* * *

With a yawn Harry rolled over and promptly landed on the hard cold floor.

"Good morning," Jack said as he leaned over the side of the bed and looked down at Harry, a smirk on his face.

Harry glared at Jack for a moment before realizing he was in an unfamiliar place.

"Where are we?" Harry asked struggling to his feet only to freeze when he notice the armed Marine guarding the room.

"In a military hospital," Jack said keeping Harry in the dark as much as possible.

"And how did we get here?" Harry asked as he hopped up onto the bed next to the one Jack was on.

"The same way you brought me to your house," Jack replied with an evil smirk and a twinkle in his eyes.

Harry's eyes narrowed at Jack. "I hate twinkles," he mumbled softly.

Jack blinked at him in confusion. "Twinklies? What's wrong with Twinklies?"

"Ah good you're awake," Dr Frasier walked into the room, clipboard in hand. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine except for where he," Harry nodded his head towards Jack as he rubbed his hip, "pushed me out of my bed and I landed on the floor." Harry gave her his best-injured innocent boy look.

Frasier glanced over at Jack, her expression that of a mother dealing with her misbehaving son.

"I did not!" Jack sputtered in outrage as he tried to defend himself from Harry's accusation and Frasier's glare. "He fell out. He rolled out of bed and landed on the floor."

"Colonel," Frasier said simply.

"He fell," Jack said once again. "I didn't do anything."

"Did too," Harry said innocently as he crossed his arms over his chest also as a self-hug.

"Oh you're good," Jack stated as he stared at Harry.

"Jack!" Frasier snapped at the Colonel.

"But… He…" Jack once again sputtered.

"Can you tell me where I am? What happened?" Harry asked drawing Dr. Frasier's attention from Jack. "I mean the last thing I remember was being at home. And being in my own clothes."

"I'm sorry…"

"Harry. Harry Potter,"

"Janet, Dr Janet Frasier, MD," Frasier said.

"Beautiful and talented," Harry said taking Frasier's hand in his, raising it up to his lips, Harry kissed the back of her knuckles.

"Oh please," Jack groaned from where he lay on his bed while a blush came to Frasier's cheeks.

Harry shot Jack a look, then asked, "is he always like that?"

"If you mean rude, crude and disrespectful then yes," Frasier said shooting Jack a look of her own that promised needles in his future, "but on very rare occasions he can be quite charming when he wants to be."

"That has yet to be seen," Harry's comment made Jack stick his tongue out at him but Harry didn't rise to his bait, he simply raised an eyebrow in response.

Frasier shook her head at the Colonel's behavior.

"So can you tell me what's going on? How did I get here? And why he," Harry said with a nod once again toward Jack, "was in my bed?"

"Excuse me, this is **my** bed," Jack spoke up in his own defense.

Harry crossed his arms over his chest, cocked his head to the side. "Really. And what _exactly_ was I doing in _your_ bed?" Harry glance down at the clothing he was wearing. "And in clothes I'm pretty sure that are _not_ mine? And I don't seem to remember changing into them."

"Umm…" Jack stammered for once at a lost for a comeback to Harry's innuendoes while Fraise silently bit her lip.

* * *

"So how are you doing, Jack?" Major Louis Ferretti asked as he leaned against the door jam.

"Lou, you old dog! What are you doing here?" Jack asked as sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. "Should you be on planet P7T-whatever?"

"Two words for you," Lou said as he hopped on to the bed, next to Jack, "Shaun McKnight."

"Again!" Jack exclaimed with a chuckle. "What was it this time? Arm or leg?"

"Hip," Lou replied as he rolled his eyes.

"Ouch!" Jack said with a grimace. "How did he do that?"

Lou shook his head at the memory. "He tripped over what passed for a turtle there."

Jack blinked. "A turtle," he said.

"Yep." Lou looked around asked. "So where's the kid?"

"Frasier has him," Jack nodded toward a door that led to another section of the hospital. "She wanted to run some test on him during our 'window of separation'."

"Poor bastard," Lou said as he looked at the door with pity in his eyes.

"So…" Lou let the word hang out there between them. "How are you really doing?"

Jack ran a hand over his short greying hair as he let out a shaky breath. "Honestly Lou, I don't know."

Lou raised an eyebrow at Jack's comment but remained silent in the hope that Jack would say more.

"Part of me wants to go find _him_, to make sure he's safe." Jack stopped speaking as he gathered his thoughts.

"And the other half," Lou prodded.

"And the other half… the other half of me wants me to run. Run far far away as fast as I can. I don't know how but I know that kid is mixed up in something big. Something very big and very dangerous."

Not waiting for Lou to reply Jack hopped off the bed and started for the door to the rest of the hospital. "Time's almost up."

Lou followed Jack to where he stood watching the door. "We'll figure something out Jack," he said as he places a reassuring hand on Jack's should. "We'll get you out of this mess."

Jack turned and looked at Lou, sad but grateful smile on his face. "Somehow I don't think we will," he said as the door swung open.

Harry seemed to suddenly appear before Jack in a blink of an eye. As one, the two men let out a sigh of relief as Jack's arms encircled Harry's smaller frame.

"So this is Harry," Lou said as he rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet, his hands in his pant pockets.

Harry pulled back from Jack in surprise. His eyes raked over Lou, evaluating him as a friend or foe.

"Harry Potter, allow you to meet my pain in the rear, Major Louis Ferretti," Jack said as in introduction, keeping one hand on Harry at all time. "Lou meet Harry Potter. Don't believe anything," Jack warned Lou. "Harry claims that I pushed him out of bed but he really fell," He explained with confidence that Lou would believe him.

"I was pushed," Harry said with a smirk as he offered Lou his hand.

"I can believe that," Lou said as he shook Harry's hand. "Jack's the type of person who would push someone out of their bed."

Jack opened his mouth. Then closed it. Opened. Closed. "It was my bed and he fell," Jack whined. "And why is everyone believing him over me?"

Lou and Harry shared a knowing smirk.


	5. Meeting The InLaws

Disclaimer: If I was given the choice of own Stargate SG-1 or Harry Potter I would be hard pressed to decide… it also matter is Jack was still a Colonel and if Sirius was still alive but since neither one is I can safely say I don't own either series nor do I make any money from it.

Author Notes: In my defense I will simply say that my Muse had to be high off something when she had me write this chapter and that Harry's behavior will be explained in the next chapter.

* * *

Meeting The In-Laws

by Lady FoxFire

January 20, 2007

* * *

A pair of intimidating Marines escorted Harry down the hall towards a meeting with the Base's Commanding Officer.

"So what is this place?" Harry asked Jack O'Neill and Lou Ferretti who were accompanying him to the meeting.

"A military base," Lou answered with a straight face while his eyes crinkled in amusement as he practiced the fine art of answering Harry's question by not answering them.

"Ah," Harry replied with a smirk since he knew this game very well, "and what goes on at this military base?"

A big cheesy grin appeared on Lou's face. "It's a secret," he said is an exaggerated whisper.

"So it's a secret military base," Harry stated making Lou's grin get even bigger while Jack rolled his eyes. "And what does Jack do on this secret military base?"

"He makes the general to eat antacids by the fistful," Lou stated as he glanced over at O'Neill who was trying not to smile.

Stopping, Harry looked at Jack. "By the fistful?" As Jack shrugged his shoulders, Harry commented. "Not bad. I was able to drive the school nurse into early retirement. In her farewell speech she listed my numerous visits to her hospital wing as the main reason she was retiring."

Lou chuckled. "I'm sure Jack is trying to do the same thing with Dr Frasier, but for some odd reason she keeps retaliating by pulling out bigger and bigger needles."

"Ahh," Harry nodded in understanding. "Do not mess with healers for they are evil and have many tests to inflict upon your body."

"Truer words were never spoken," O'Neill said with a slight shiver at some distant memory.

"Bad experience?" Harry asked Jack as a smirk graced his face.

Jack snorted as he leaned against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest defensively, while they waited for the elevator. "You could say that."

Harry raised an eyebrow inquiringly at Jack.

"So I take it you're a connoisseur of hospitals and doctor's offices?" Jack commented.

"You could say that," Harry said throwing Jack's words back at him. "I visited a number of different doctors when I was a kid."

"Were you sick?" Lou asked with a concern, as he looked Harry over as if to suddenly discover what the mysterious illness Harry had was.

"Not exactly," Harry replied as he emotionally started to shut down. "More like _accident_ prone."

Lou and Jack shared a quick glance with each other as the elevator doors opened and Harry stepped in.

* * *

"… waiting for the DNA report for confirmation but from all indications, Mr. Potter is human." Dr Frasier reported to those gathered in the conference room. 

"And what have you found out about the convulsions that both the Colonel and Mr Potter are experiencing?" Major Carter asked as she fiddled with her pen.

Janet sighed in frustration. "What we have now is inconclusive," Janet replied, "We know that direct skin to skin contact stops any convulsions that occur and that as long as Mr. Potter and the Colonel have regular contact it seems to prevent them also. However we're not sure what the trigger is. It could be a chemical excretion in the body's natural oils or sweat. It's also possible that it's a pheromone. We're not sure yet. Dr Wu is currently examining the samples we have. "

"I expect to be informed as soon as Dr Wu's preliminary report is ready," General Hammond jotted down a few notes.

"Yes sir," Dr Frasier nodded.

"Have you discovered anything else Dr Frasier?" Hammond asked

Frasier looked down at her notes, unconsciously licking her lips. "Yes." She said in a drawn out way. "While it has no bearing on the current situation, Mr. Potter has an unusual amount of scarring on his torso and back. Some of the scars appear to have been made by a belt or whip; while others appear to be knife wounds."

"Child abuse?" Daniel asked a haunted look flashing briefly across his face.

"That's a strong possibility," Janet replied grimly.

"Could it be possible that the scarring was a result of this alien?" General Hammond suggested as he played devil advocate.

Frasier shrugged her shoulders. "It's possible. We have no way of knowing how long Harry… I mean Mr. Potter was under the alien's control. It's also possible that the alien rescued him from an abusive environment. We just don't have enough information."

Hammond nodded his head absentmindedly, his brow furrowed in thought.

At that moment a knock on the door interrupted the meeting. Private Sun opened the door. "Colonel O'Neill, Major Ferretti and Mr. Potter are here, sir," the Private announced as O'Neill, Ferretti and Harry passed through the open doorway.

"Thank you Private," Hammond said with a nod of his head.

"Jack," Hammond said with mix of fondness and a heavy dose of frustration.

"Sir," Jack replied with his typical 'I haven't done a thing' grin, which made General Hammond shake his head.

The General then turned his attention to the young man next to Colonel O'Neill. Noticing the young man's uneasiness Hammond slipped into the grandfather persona he used with new recruits and nervous alien visitors.

"Mr. Potter," General Hammond said as he held out his hand to Harry, as he projected the image of a kindly old man, who's going soft around the middle, "it's a pleasure to meet you."

"Very smooth General," Harry's eyes hardened as if he was facing a hated enemy as he shook the General's hand. "If I didn't know any better I would almost believe what you just said."

Lou and Jack shared a glance at each other. This was not the Harry that they had just walked down the hall with.

"Son," Hammond's voice carried an unspoken warning as he refused to release Harry's hand.

Harry snorted. "Let's drop the kind grandfatherly type meets the naïve young man act. We're both old war dogs. You… well I was going to say have more gray hairs" Harry glanced at Hammond bald head, "but I sure as hell have more blood on my hands than you ever will."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that, Mr. Potter," Hammond finally released Harry's hand.

"Well since you don't know my past and I don't know yours we'll have to leave it at that," Harry growled.

Hammond's eyes narrowed but he made no comment to Harry's statement.

Turning to those gathered around the conference table, "Allow me to introduce you to my staff," Hammond said as he. "Major Samantha Carter, Dr. Daniel Jackson, Murray and I believe you already know Dr Janet Frasier, Colonel Jack O'Neill and Major Lou Ferretti." Hammond nodded to the two men flanking Harry.

Harry's eyes widened slightly at the introduction of Dr Jackson. "Dr Daniel Jackson the archaeologist? The one who presented a paper on Egyptian pyramids being landing sites for aliens?" Harry asked

Daniel squared his shoulders, his chin raised slightly. "I am," he replied in a defensive tone of voice.

"We're been trying to find you for ages," Harry said, as the hardened man Hammond had meet moments ago morphed into that of a less world-weary youth. "I think Bill given you up for dead."

Jack stepped forward so that he was more or less between Harry and Daniel. "Bill?" Jack said in a concerned tone of voice. "Wasn't he the red head?"

"Yep," Harry was feeling very proud of himself for finding the missing archaeologist.

Daniel blinked a couple times as he tried to catch up with Harry's suddenly personality changes. "Umm… what did your friend Bill want?"

"Well Bill read your paper and from what I understand he found something that confirms your theory," Harry explained as he sat down in the chair closest to Daniel, "or at least he _thinks_ they confirm your theory. He wanted to show them to you."

Daniel stared blankly at Harry as his mind tried to catch up with what the young man had just said. "Do you know what it was?" he asked excitedly. "Have you seen it?"

"Umm a few," Harry stumbled uncertainly as he tried to remember. "There were some stone thingies with some funny writing on it which Bill says weren't hieroglyphs or any of the other known written languages. His boss thinks it's it might be the language of the Old Ones but he wasn't too sure about that. A couple gold items that briefly glow, but only if held by certain people. They didn't react to everyone just a few of us. There was some other stuff but I can't remember what they were; I was kind of busy with other stuff, and then Bill was busy searching for your name, then for you. I know he was still trying to find you but then he found those snake thingies in the burial jars and…"

"Snake thingies?" General Hammond said the narrowing of his eyes the only sign of his carefully hidden concern.

A distant look appeared in Harry's eyes as he pictured the creatures in his mind eyes. "Well maybe calling them a snake isn't exactly right," he commented absent-mindedly. "They were more like an eel, a winged eel but then again they do hiss like a snake. On the other hand they seem to need water to survive like an eel. But they were definitely evil," a shiver flowed through Harry's body, "they had that feel about them."

"Mr. Potter," General Hammond's firm voice seemed to snap the young man out of his thoughts. "These snake thingies, have you seen them? Been in contact with them?"

Harry blinked at the General a couple of times. "Yes, sir," Harry said hesitantly. "Bill and his team were able to capture them alive after they were attacked by them."

"How many of these snake thingies are there?"

"Five of them," Harry replied uneasily. "There was a sixth one but it died. Killed while they were trying to capture it.

"Mr. Potter," Major Carter spoke up for the first time," these creatures… did Bill tell you what happened? How they found the snake thingies or how they attacked?"

Harry looked around at those assembled at the conference table. Crossing his arms over his chest Harry leaned back into his chair. "You seem to be more interested in the snake thingies than what is happening with Jack and me," Harry stated.

To say you could hear a pin drop would not be an exaggeration at this moment in time.

"It's a matter of planetary security," Jack stated in a gruff tone, his arms crossed over his chest.

"Planetary security," The tone of Harry's voice and his body language told everyone that he wasn't going to tell them anything more.

"Mr. Potter," General Hammond said in a firm voice that the members of SG-1 were very used to, especially when the General was dealing with either Dr Jackson or Colonel O'Neill. "This is an important matter. Please tell us what happened with those creatures."

Harry looked at Hammond, his face completely emotionless, for a moment or two before shrugging his shoulders.

"Bill brought them to England for study," Harry explained. "So a friend of ours, who has a talent for dangerous creatures, could look at them and try to figure out what they were."

"Do you know where they are right now?" Major Carter asked.

"Dead. All of them," Harry waved a hand to dismiss their importance. "When Tic saw them she freaked out and demand that we kill them. She said they were dangerous and one learns to **never** argue with Tic."

"Tic?" Daniel asked what everyone was thinking

"Nickname," Harry explained with a shrug and a smirk. "Her real name is Luna."

"Luna Tic?" Major Ferretti said with a snort.

Harry grinned. "Trust me, it fits."

"And afterwards, what did you do with them?" Carter asked steering the conversation back to the possible Goa'uld symbiotes on Earth.

"We gave them to Snape. He probably has them chopped up into bits by now," Harry replied simply with an evil smirk to his face. "Could have even fed them to one of his students."

"Fed them to his students!" Jack sputtered in outrage as he stared at Harry in disbelief.

"Well yeah," Harry said in such a way as if to ask what the big deal was. "Snape doesn't, as he would say, 'suffer dunderheads willingly' so there is a good possibility for him to follow up on his threat."

"Where in hell did you go to school," Lou asks in disbelief.

"A private school in Scotland," Harry replied with pride

"Harry Potter," Teal'c said, a raised eyebrow was his only reaction to Harry's blasé attitude, "would such behavior from a teacher be considered to be normal?"

"**No!**" Jack exploded in outrage before Harry even had time to reply. "No it wouldn't."

Harry thought for a moment. "No, Jack's right. Snape was better then most of my teachers. He didn't try to kill me or eat me."

Daniel's glass from slipped from his fingers as he choked then spat water out onto the table. "Someone tried to eat you!" he exclaimed as he wipe the water from his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Well he did apologize in the morning," Harry said as if that made everything all right.

"What in fucking hell kind of school did you go to?" Jack whispered as he stared at Harry.

"A private one in Scotland," Harry replied once again.

Lou chuckled softly. "You're pulling our leg on this one, ain't you," he said with confidence that he figured everything out.

"Nope. In my first year, one of my teachers tried to kill me about 3 or 4 times. Second year… well we don't need to mention what he tried to do. Third year was Remus. He was the one who wanted to eat me. Fourth year was Moody who was really Couch Jr who wanted to sacrifice me to his master. Fifth year was Umbitch who tortured me almost daily for more weeks than I want to mention and then tried to poison me…

"Where were all the other teachers while this was going on? Did you tell them?" Daniel asked

"They knew but it wasn't like they could do anything about it. Now the Headmaster, he wanted…" Harry was saying when suddenly Jack pulled Harry out of his chair and onto his lap.

The others shocked into silence at O'Neill's quick actions

"Umm… Hi," Harry said, his face turning bright red as Jack held him tight.

Jack hid his face within the crook of Harry's neck, hiding his embarrassment, his confusion, his shame. "What is going on with us? Why is this happening?" he whispered into Harry's neck.

"I'm sorry," Harry replied as leaned his head against Jack's, "this is my fault."

Jack raised his head to look at Harry. The embarrassment and shame in Jack's eyes bled away only to leave behind confusion with a small dash of anger. "You're fault," he whispered as he pushed Harry away.

Slipping off Jack's lap Harry returned to his chair. "I had no choice but to form the bond. There was too much at stake not to."

"And why is that, son," Hammond inquired. "What exactly is this bond?"

"It's a soul bond, sir" Harry said as he stared at his hand as he avoided looking at Jack or at anyone in the room. "That how Jack was summoned to us."

"Don't you mean kidnapped," Jack snapped before Hammond could ask for more of an explanation. "While I was in the shower, mind you."

"No," Harry drew that single word out in frustration. "You were **summoned** but you came **willingly**. No one **can** be summoned against their will. You **wanted** to come," Harry said firmly. "And as for you coming in the shower, that was your idea so **don't** blame me!" Harry stopped; his mouth slightly open. Harry blinked once. He blinked twice. "I didn't just say that, did I?" he said slowly as he realized what he had just said.

A few low chuckles could be heard as most people tried to avoid looking at Harry's blushing face or avoid getting caught by O'Neill's death glare.

Major Carter clears her throat. "Mr. Potter,"

"Harry?" Harry interrupted her.

"Pardon?" Major Carter said in confusion

"My name is Harry," Harry stated, "only politicians and government brown-nosers call me Mr. Potter. My friends call me Harry. And you don't want to know what my enemies call me."

"Harry," Major Carter said with a smile. "You said you summoned Jack for a soul bond," Carter went on at the nod of Harry's head. "How did you do this and why?"

"That's something I want to know too," Jack growled as he tried to look menacing.

"Right," Harry sighs as he ran a hand through his hair. "Right," he says one again as he licked his lips. "I guess we should start at the beginning. Magic is real." Harry looked at his audience who wore a variety of expressions from mystified to disbelief and acceptance. "Elves, dragons, unicorns, witches, wizards, mermaids and other types of beings; they exist."

"Harry Potter," Teal'c said, "I had been informed that such beings do not exist. That they are tales to tell to children"

"They were wrong," Harry said after a pause. "We exist but we remain separate from the rest of the world."

"Why?" Daniel's tone of voice saying that while he didn't believe in what Harry was saying he believed that Harry believed in what he was saying.

Harry paused for a moment gathering his thoughts. "Have you ever wished for something? That your life was easier? That special girl or boy would suddenly fall deeply in love with you? That your enemies would die?"

Harry looked at everyone gathered around the table before continuing. "Then imagine finding out about people who could do this for you. What would you do? Would you beg and plead? Would you bribe them? Give them your children as payment so that they would fulfill your wishes? Or would you kidnap them or their children? Would you torture them until they did what you wanted? Would you punish them when they failed to please you?"

"The witch trials," Dr Frasier said. "The Burning Times."

Harry nodded his head. "Most of those who died during those time were Muggles, non magic folks but some weren't. Once in a while the witch hunters would be able to capture a fully-trained witch or wizard and if they weren't able to escape or were injured they would meet their end. But it was the Muggle born children, those who are born to non magical parents but gifted with the ability to do magic, they were the ones who suffered the most." Harry paused for a moment to gather his thoughts. "It's always the children who pay the most."

A few of those gathered there sat in silence as they thought about what they had learned about what they'd learned in school and how those accused of being witches suffered a cruel and horrible death.

"That was a terrible time in human history but hardly that's proof that magic exists," Carter firmly denied, refusing to believe that magic did exist

"No, but I think that summoning Jack from this base to my home is a good indication that it might exist," Harry countered with a smug smile on his face.

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic," Cater told him.

"And any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from technology," Harry countered. Harry leaned over towards Jack and said in a stage whisper, "I take it that she's the scientific type. Doesn't believe anything unless she sees it, tastes it and experiments on it and even then doesn't believe it."

"Harry," Carter said in a patient tone of voice, "I believe if you gave us a chance we could explain all of your so called magic."

A slight manic grin came to Harry's face as he bounced in his chair excitedly. "Does this mean I get to fry her brain?"

"**What!**"

"Fry her brain. I do that a lot to people," Harry explained as he looked around the room. "It normally happens when I do something that is impossible to do."

"Like what?" Hammond asked with dread.

"Living for one thing." Harry said as he started to name off things on his fingers. "Battle a 40 foot long snake that turns people to stone if you look at it. Survive an encounter with 40 soul sucking monsters that want to eat my soul while I'm forced to relive my worst memories. A fire breathing dragon, blast ended skrewts….

"Is that something like a Ass-blaster?" Jack asked

"From Tremors 3?" Harry asked to which Jack nodded his head

"Not another B movie junkie," someone groaned which sounded a bit like Major Ferretti.

"Sort of. They do shoot fire out of their as… behinds but they can't fly. Thankfully. I just hope Hagrid never sees that movie. He might want to try to breed Ass-blaster. Fighting a blast-ended skrewt… I think it was bigger than this table… was not fun I don't even want to think about having to fight an Ass-blaster," Harry said more to himself than to those in the room.

"You're insane, ain't you."

Harry though for a moment. "Yep," he said suddenly a big cheesy grin on his face. "But I'm not homicidal insane… unless it concerns two no three people. And then there are my teachers, my school friends and some of their families… I won't mind torturing them. I was thinking of starting off with Barney… that purple dinosaur. Do you think that too cruel?"

"Maybe a tad," Jack said as he watched Harry with concern in his eyes as the young man next to him became more and more unstable.

"So start off with the Teletubbies?" Harry asked innocently after a moment of though. "I'm thinking the red one was gay or was it the blue one? I'm not really sure anymore. Sirius would know. He knows everything."

"I believe it was the red one, Po, Harry Potter," Teal'c volunteered.

"Oh pleases," a voice said from behind General Hammond, "it's the purple one, Tinky Winky."

"Sirius," another voice said, "do you remember what I said about element of surprise?"

"Umm… no."


	6. Rescue Mission and Playboy Bunnies

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Stargate SG-1 Jack would never grow old and we would see more Mini-Me… what can I say I like the character. If I owned Harry Potter Sirius would have killed but Dumbledore would still have died but not by Snape's hand. But I do own this fic so I can do whatever I want excpet make money from it… that SUCKS!

**Bad Author Notes:** There are days when I wonder why I do this, why I spend time putting the things I see with my mind eye to paper. And then there are days I wonder how I can not do this, how if I don't get these thoughts to paper and out of my head I'll go mad.

**Rescue Mission and Playboy Bunnies**

by Lady FoxFire

April 14, 2007

* * *

"Sirius," another voice said, "do you remember what I said about element of surprise?"

"Umm… no."

Moving quicker than one would think he could given his age and bulk, Hammond was out of his chair and facing the empty space from which the voices came from.

He wasn't the only one though, the unexpected voices had everyone moving at once. Jack immediately grabbed Harry by the collar of his shirt and dragged him into the corner. Thrusting Harry down to the floor next to the filing cabinet Jack stood guard over him.

"Security," Hammond snapped out as his eyes moved restlessly as he searched for the intruders.

Meanwhile the others spread out around the room while the two guards who stood guard on the door entered the room.

"Sir?" Sgt. Peterson who was one of the guards said as two other guards came into the room and took up a position that blocked the doorway.

"Two intruders, possibly more. Invisible." Hammond snapped out.

"Yes sir," Peterson replied, as he and the other guards became even tenser. Their eyes roaming over the room, never stopping, as they searched for the intruders.

"Umm, Moony," a voice in said drawing everyone's attention in Jack and Harry's direction, "I think they're talking about us."

"Bloody hell," the one who answered to the name Moony said as he suddenly appeared in front of Jack and Harry; a moment later another man appeared.

The guards raised their weapons at the intruders, their eyes narrowing at the possible hostage situation.

"Lay down on the ground, hands on your head," Sgt. Peterson ordered.

"I think there's been a misunderstanding," Moony said calmly as he took a step towards the guards.

"I said down of the ground, hands on your head!" the sergeant commanded as the guards aimed their weapons.

Jack knelt down putting his body between Harry and everything else.

Sirius slowly started to raise his hands. "Umm Moony I think…." He started to say when he suddenly stopped in mid sentence, his eyes widened suddenly. "Never mind."

Remus cocked his head to the side as he looked at the guards in confusion. Turning to Sirius he asked, "Did you do that?" as he pointed at the guards.

One by one those in the room glanced quickly at the guards then back to at the intruders and then did a double-take back to the guards as they realized what they had seen. The two guards were now dressed Playboy Bunnies complete with the ears and fuzzy bunny tail while carrying very large carrots in place of their guns.

"It wasn't me," Sirius replied with a chuckle.

The intruders looked at each other for a moment then as if one they slowly turned and looked down at Harry and Jack.

"You've corrupted my godson," Moony said as he smacked Sirius on the back of the head.

"He's my godson and they were James' magazines," Sirius replied as he rubbed his head.

Moony snorted. "Yes but **you** were the one who gave them to him."

"They were in a trunk of some stuff James had me hide from Lily," Sirius stated as he threw his hands up in the air. "Do you honestly think I would _knowingly_ give them to Harry? I mean there was a copy of Playboy July '79 in there. Do you **honestly** think I would give **that** up if I know about it!"

A voice that sounded strangely like Daniel Jackson's said, "Lucky bastard."

"Who are you? How did you get into this base? And what did you do to my men?" General Hammond wanted to know.

"It's a little complicated," Moony said innocently as he ran a hand through his greying hair.

"I have a better question," Sirius' tone had become hard and menacing as everyone's attention centered on him. "What the **hell** did you do to my godson?"

Sirius's question as meet by a number of confused expressions and two concerned ones.

"Harry?" Moony said as he walked over to Harry.

"What's wrong with him?" Jack asked as he gently touched Harry's arm.

Sirius snorted. "He's high."

"**What?**"

"He's flying higher than a bloody dragon," Sirius replied.

"Which type?" Harry asked before turning to Jack. "I once had to fight a Hungarian Horntail. It was… it was…" Harry stretched his arms out as far as he could. "It was really big! And it had a really hot stinking breath."

"What did you give him?" Sirius demanded as he glared at those gathered in the room.

"Nothing," Dr Fraiser volunteered as she stepped forward. "A sedative. The only thing he was given was a sedative so he could be transported."

"**A sedative?**" Remus replied as both Sirius and him took a step away from Harry. "You **gave **him a sedative?"

"Oh shit," Sirius said quietly his hand covering his mouth, his eyes became distant.

"Yes. Why is there a problem?" Fraiser asked as she looked back and forth between the two men as they moved away from Harry and Jack.

Sirius' hand dropped to his side, his eyes grew wide and panic started to settle into them. "Is **there** a problem?" he said his voice breaking slightly.

"Red. It was everywhere," Moony mumbled to himself his eyes widening as if remember some past horror. "The walls, the ceiling… all red. Everywhere you look was bathed in it. It hung in the air. You could taste it on every breath."

Closed his eyes, Sirius took a deep breath to calm himself. "If you don't mind chaos, mayhem and destruction then…. _no_ it's **not** a problem."

"And then everything went purple," Moony mumbled as his eyes twinkled with mischief. "He ran out of red paint."

Sighs of relief escape the room as the two men smirked at each other.

"But honestly if you don't mind chaos, mayhem and destruction then it's not a problem," Sirius said with a half grin.

Hammond reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Would someone please tell me what the **Hell** is going on?"

Sirius and Moony looked at each other then back at Hammond. "Rescue mission?" they said at the same time.

"Rescue mission," Hammond mumbled to himself. "And how did you track Mr. Potter on this rescue mission let alone get into a high security military base?"

"Magic," they replied.

"Is this the same type of magic that was used to summon O'Neill?" Teal'c asked.

"Kind of."

"Sort of."

Hammond let out a wearily sigh, "Only SG-1," he mumbled to himself as he shook his head.

"Perhaps," Daniel said as he looked around at everyone, "we should all sit down and you can explain everything."

"Umm sir?" Sgt. Peterson said nervously as he pulled down the back of his pink Playboy Bunnie outfit.

Everyone turned to look at the guards and then over to Remus and Sirius.

"Harry did it," Sirius said with an apologetic shrug of his shoulder. "Only he can fix it."

Moony sighed as he looked up towards the heavens. "Harry," he said in the nice calming voice one typically used to con a child with.

"Yes, Moo Moo," Harry replied with a sweet smile.

A snort came from the regions of Lt. Ferretti at the mention of Moony's nickname.

"Can you change the guards back?" Moony asked with a glance back at the guards.

"Yeah. Ahh. Sure. You bet ya," Harry replied to which Sirius and Moony raised an eyebrow at the unusual answer from Harry.

Harry looked over at the guards. Slowly he turned his head to the side; his eyes started to cross…

"**Holy Hannah!**"

In the place of the guards were bunny-rabbits. However they weren't normal size rabbits but rabbits the sized of a large dog with green, Kermit the Frog green, fur.

"Could have been worse," Sirius blinked once… twice, then with a shrug as he started to lead Harry towards the table.

"**WORSE!**" Hammond snapped.

Covering Harry's ears with his hands, Sirius said in a loud whisper, "It could have been toads."

"The croaking," Moony moaned.

Everyone looked at Moony and Sirius waiting for them to finish the joke like they had done earlier.

"James, Harry's father, has a similar reaction to some medicine once and…" Sirius explained, "it rained toads for a week."

Moony sniffled. "They even got into the ice cream. I can't eat mint chocolate chip ice cream anymore and it was my favorite."

"Toads," Hammond said as he closed his eyes wearily, wondering why he even bothered getting up this morning. Taking a steadying breath he opened his eyes. "So what do you suggest we do with them?"

"Be grateful that one of them isn't a girl rabbit?" Sirius suggested innocently as he pushed Harry into a chair next to Jack.

Hiding his face behind his hands, Moony groaned at Sirius' attempt at humor. "Harry can change them back once he comes down."

"And how long do you think **that** will take?" the General growled as he glared at Sirius.

"One... maybe two months," Moony replied with an apologetic shrug.

"**Months!**"

"That's only if we can't get an antidote," Sirius stated.

Hammond closed his eyes and sighed wearily. "And where can we get an antidote?"

A smirk appeared on Sirius's face as he opened his mouth and called out, "Dobby!"

With a soft crack the alien who appeared with Harry Potter on the military based appeared in the room.

"Harry Potter, Sir dogfather wants Dobby?" the small creature said as he bounced on his toes.

"Dobby!" Harry exclaimed like a small child who has just rediscovered his best friend as he escapes his chair. Dropping to his knees in front of the creature, Harry pulled it into a hug.

Dobby gently patted Harry's back as he looked at Sirius and Moony with questions in his eyes.

With a shrug of his shoulders Sirius answered the unasked question with a simple, "He's stoned."

"That's the alien!" Daniel exclaimed pointing at Dobby, causing the others to rise from the table and stare at the creature with the floppy bat-like ears.

Dobby looked around. His eyes narrowing as he looked for the alien he needed to protect Harry Potter from.

"No," Sirius drew out the word, "that's Dobby. He's a House Elf."

"A House Elf?" Dr Fraiser said as she studied Dobby with a professional eye.

"We'll explain later," Moony said dismissing the questions as unimportant.

Stepping up to Harry Moony pulled a small vial from within his robes. Tapping his wand against the vial twice he laid his wand against Harry's' arm only to remove it when the vial was full of Harry's blood.

"Do you think you could teach Fraiser that trick," Jack commented as he walked over and started to run his fingers through Harry's hair. "She's always threatening me with big honking needles."

"She'll just find a different way to torture you," Sirius commented from where he sat at the table. "Everyone in the medical fields is a sadist."

"Amen to that," Ferretti mumbled softly unfortunate it was loud enough for Fraiser to catch.

"Don't you have a physical coming up Lieutenant?" Dr Fraiser said sweetly.

Ferretti eyes grew wide. "Shit," he squeaked.

"Better you than me," Jack commented as he shot Lou a pitying glance.

"Dobby I need you to take this vial Severus and tell him that Harry is suffering from the same thing James did during the winter holiday of our sixth year. He'll understand what I mean," Moony said. "And you absolutely can not let the Headmaster know that you are there or that anything is going on with Harry."

"Dobby can do that," the little house elf said his head nodding like a bobble doll. "Dobby can sneak in Hogwarts. Dobby no let Headmaster know Dobby was there. Dobby good at that."

"I know you are Dobby," Remus said as he pulled Harry off of Dobby and pushed him into Jack's arms.

As soon as Dobby was free and had the blood sample in his hands, he vanished with a crack.

"So," Sirius said rubbing his hands together with a slightly manic grin on his face, "were do we begin?"

Everyone looked at Sirius then at each other.

"Umm… introductions might be in order," Daniel suggested sitting down at the table. "I'm Daniel Jackson."

"He's the mummy guy Billy wanted," Harry chimed in as Jack gently pushed him into a chair before setting next to him. "Can we keep him? We can put a big bow on him and stick him under the tree. I know Bill would like him."

"That's a good idea Harry," Moony replied as he sat down next to Sirius, "but Yule isn't for another seven months."

"Birthday?" Harry asked as he chewed on his bottom lip

"Six months away," Sirius stated as he smirked in Dr. Jackson's direction

"Please gentlemen," Hammond said, "Can we get back to the matters at hand?"

"And what matters are those?" Sirius asked with a completely clueless expression.

Hammond eyes narrowed as he slowly exhaled. Those familiar with the signs that Colonel O'Neill had pushed the General too far carefully edged their chairs away from the older man.

"The kidnapping of Colonel O'Neill," Hammond growled.

"Moony can growl better than that," Harry commented with his child like innocence as he interrupted Hammond before starting to sing softly to himself. "Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair..."

Those gathered around the table did their best not to snicker at Harry's comment about the General while Hammond glared at the stoned you man.

"The current situation," Hammond continued on, "in which Colonel O'Neill and Mr. Potter can't be apart from each other. The matter of your breaking into a top secret military base on your rescue mission and my guards being turned into giant green rabbits!"

"Oh those matters," Sirius said meekly as he ducked his head slightly.

Moony shook his head at Sirius. Looking at those gathered around the table, he took a steadying breath. "Well I'm not sure what Harry has told you or if you could even understand it given his current condition." Remus said as he shot Harry an apologic look. "So I guess I'll…umm… well my name is Remus Lupin, Moony is my nickname and I'm Harry's unofficial godfather."

"Remus?" Jack said as he moved so if he had to he could easily protect Harry. "As in the Remus the guy who tried to _eat_ Harry?"

"What?" Remus sputtered in confusion.

"HarryPotter mentioned that a teacher in his third year tried to eat him," Teal'c stated as he watched Remus warily. "Are you not Remus who taught HarryPotter in his third year?"

"He's my cub! I would never harm him!" Remus exclaimed.

Remus's statement was meet by a number of raised eyebrows at the unusual statement. Meanwhile Sirius crossed his arms over his chest and looked at Remus, a single eyebrow raised questionably.

"I won't have! I might have eaten Granger and Weasley but not Harry," Remus replied. "You know that Sirius!"

Sirius nodded his head in agreement. "And Snape?" he asked.

"Yummy yummy I got food in my tummy," Harry sang out. Leaning towards Jack, Harry whispered very loudly, "Moony eats Snapey-poo almost everyday. I saw them."

"And you had the gall to say I was perverting Harry," Sirius said with a smirk.

"No!" Remus's face grew red.

"Uh huh. I saw Moony eating Snapey-poo on the kitchen table… with honey," Harry said. "Snapey-poo liked it too."

"Oh shit," Remus said his face growing even redder before he hid it in his hands.

"Well that explains what happened to that new bottle of honey and why we got a new kitchen table," Sirius glanced over at Remus, "with those _unusual_ wards on it."

"It is wrong for a warrior to sate his needs by using a child. Surely your shield mate could have served you just as well," Teal'c condemned Remus in a bland, unexcited tone of voice. This emotionless tone of voice has been known to drive young soldiers to develop unusual eye twitches waiting for the axe to fall. Whenever they heard this emotionless tone they knew they would soon be on the receiving end of some form of Doom because of something they had done, or not done, usually to Dr. Jackson.

Remus and Sirius stared at Teal'c for a moment as their minds processed what he'd just said.

"Did he just accuse you…" Sirius said.

"Yes he did," Remus growled. "I'll have you know that I am **not** a pedophile."

"If you are not then why did you say you would have eaten Granger and Weasley?" Teal'c inquired.

"Because I would have ripped their stomachs open and let their intestines fall out and while they were still alive I would have feasted on their flesh. Ripping chucks off their bodies with my fangs and swallowing it whole." Remus said his lips curled back baring his white teeth. "And the world would have been a better place if I had."

At Remus's statement everyone shifted nervously especially Colonel O'Neill.

"Well don't you tell us how you're really feeling Moony," Sirius asked with a smirk.

Remus turned in his chair and looked at Sirius. "Bite me, Sirius" he snarled. "It's not like you wouldn't have broken something aside from Weasley's arm if we'd known back then what we know now."

Sirius just shrugged his shoulders in answer, not denying Remus's comment.

"Hannibal the Cannibal, just great" Jack said as he rolled his eyes.

"I am not a cannibal. Saying I am a cannibal implies that I'm human," Remus said sadly.

"Moony," Sirius' voice carried a note of warning.

"If you're not human then what are you?" Sam asked as she eyes roamed over him trying to figure out what was different about him.

"Homo Sapiens Therianthropes Lycos," Remus replied with a slight predatory grin.

"Human changing into…" Daniel's eyes grow wide as he translated the scientific name Remus had used for himself. "Werewolf. You believe you're a werewolf?"

"I don't believe I am a werewolf, I **am** one," Remus stated with conviction.

"Are we talking about werewolf like in the movie the Howling or like those kids down in Mexico who just have body hair everywhere?" Lou asked nervously.

"I preferred An American Werewolf in London," Remus stated with a cocky grin.

"You're kidding right?" Lou asked nervously as he played with his dogtags.

Sirius shook his head. "Remus is human as everyone else," he said to the relief of everyone in the room. "He just has a furry problem every four weeks."

Jack opened his mouth to make a comment but catching the looks being directed at him by Dr Fraiser and Carter out of the corner of his eyes his jaw snaps shut.

"Good choice," Lou whispers leaning towards Jack while trying to keep one eye on Remus and the other eye on Carter and Fraiser.

"Thanks," Jack whispers back. "At least I don't have a physical coming up."

"Had to remind me didn't you," Lou grumbled.

"Yep. Hey if you don't survive can I have to movie collection," Jack asked with a smirk

"If Lt. Ferretti and Colonel O'Neill are done whispering like a pair of school girls could we get back to business?" Hammond glared at the two younger officers

"Yes sir. Sorry, sir," the two men replied at the same time as they straighten up in their chairs.

"Reminds you a bit of McGonagall," Sirius said to Remus.

Remus tapped his chin with his fingers in thought. "Not stern enough," he replied.

Hammond glared at the two men who only smiled innocently back at the General.

Turning his attention back to Sirius and Remus, he got back to business "Now I believe you were explaining why you kidnapped Colonel O'Neill and how you appeared on my base."

"We didn't kidnap him," Sirius stated, "we summoned him."

Hammond groaned as he leaned his head into hands. "Jack, not a word. Not one… word."

"Yes sir," Jack said as he tried not to smirk.

"I take it Harry has already gone over this?" Remus said as he glance to the young man in question who was leaning against O'Neill fast asleep.

"We didn't arrive until you were talking about Tremor the series," Sirius volunteered

"HarryPotter explained about a secret society with the ability to use and magic and the reason why they hide from the world," Teal'c explained.

"So he didn't get to the part where if he doesn't manage to kill Voldemort that, not to be melodramatic; darkness will cover the land and death will walk the earth on a scale like you have never seen before?" Remus said with an air of disinterest.

Jack shrugged his shoulders dismissing Remus's comment. "We hear that a lot."

"Tough crowd," was Sirius' only comment.

A cocky grin came to O'Neill's face. "Well we're dealt with our share of bad guys before."

"Really?" Sirius said his tone no longer that of light teasing but that of someone who knows the darker things of human nature. "So did your bad guys ever use mind control on fathers so that they rape their children some as young as a year old while the mothers are force to watch, carve up the other children or be raped herself? Of course after the children and the wife are dead, they might let the father go and just hand him a knife and walk away. So are your bad guys like that?"

"No. No they're not," Hammond replied his face slightly whiter than it was before.

"And that the bad guy. The leader of _good_ guys has no problems with putting a baby into abusive household where the child will grow up believing his name is Freak. And then when the child is old enough he will put him through life or death tests to hone him to a killing machine. Of course the kid's best friends will be working for the _good_ guys making sure the kid obeys his master. And we can't forget that the good guys will throw anyone who might upset their little plan into jail without a trial where they can be tortured for years on end with their worst memories," Sirius stated.

Jack clutches his jaw as he tightens his grip on Harry. "And to which group do you belong? Good guys, bad guys or other "

"We're Marauders," Remus' eyes were hard and deadly. "We protect our own no matter who gets in our way."

"But why did you… why did you summon the Colonel?" Carter asked as she played with her pen.

Remus glanced over at Sirius. "We weren't sure if Harry could defeat Voldemort, face the good guys and live. Being bonded to his soulmate will give Harry more control over his magic as well as giving him someone to fight for."

"If Harry can't defeat Voldemort the world is screwed," Sirius explained. "And if he can't defeat Dumbledore and his followers then world is still screwed."

Before anyone could say anything a pop heralded Dobby's return.

"Dobby has medicine for Harry Potter sir," the little house elf said excitedly.

"Thank you Dobby," Remus rose from his chair and took the small bottle and a note from the house elf. "You did a great job."

"Harry Potter sir's wolfie told Dobby thanks," he exclaimed as he practically bounced around the room. "Do sir need Dobby to do anything else? Dobby has much work at Harry Potter sir's home to make ready for Harry Potter sir's boundmate."

"No Dobby that is all," Remus said with a distracted air as he read the note Dobby had delivered.

With a quick nod of his head Dobby vanished with a pop.

"Is he… Is he always like that?" Jack asked as he stared at the spot the house elf had been in.

"No," Sirius replied. "He used to be worse but he's learned to calm down. Just never ask him to save you."

Sirius comment was meet by a number of raised eyebrows.

"I don't think I want to know," Lou mumbled to himself.

Sirius chuckled softly as he leaned over Remus's shoulder to look at the letter. "Anything interesting?"

Remus jumps in surprise, clutching the letter to his chest. "What? Huh?"

"The letter," Sirius chucked softly as he noticed the blush on Remus' face. "Did Snape have something _interesting_ to say?"

"Ah… no. No," Remus replied hurriedly. "Umm… just that… just that Harry needs to drink the whole potion and if anyone gives Harry a Muggle drug again he'll use that person for potions ingredients."

"Seems like a long letter for such a threat," Jack said as he catches on to what's going on.

"Ahh… yeah…" Remus mumbles, looking down at the letter once again; a smile crossing his lips. "Umm… he writes big."

"Yeah right Remus," Sirius says with a roll of his eyes as he snatches the potion bottle from Remus's hands. "So what do we need to do? Have him drink it?"

"Umm…" Remus quickly rereads the letter. "Yeah… he needs to drink the whole thing."

"Does he need to eat or drink anything with it?" Dr Fraiser asks as her professional curiosity raises its head. "What about side effects?"

Remus and Sirius blinked in response to Fraiser's questions.

"Ah... Remus," Sirius scratched his head not knowing how to answer the questions.

"Potions don't have the same problems as the mediences that you're used to," Remus replied.

"Really," Fraiser replied in a tone that says 'tell me more.'

"Harry," Sirius said softly as he shake his godson gently. "It's time to get up Harry."

"Don't want to," Harry mumbles as he snuggles into Jack's chest.

"You need to get up pup," Sirius says.

"Naha," Harry mumbled once again.

Sirius gets a determined look on his face. "Harry if you don't' wake up this instance Poppy is going to take you to the hospital wing."

Harry sprung up as if he was given a jolt of electricity. "I'm up. I'm up. Don't need to go to the hospital," he said as he looked around with wide eyes.

Jack bit his lip to keep from snickering.

"She's not here," Harry said after looking around.

"No she isn't," Sirius replied. "But she wanted you to take this potion." Sirius held out the potion bottle to Harry.

Harry looked at the bottle. Then at Sirius. Then at the bottle. Crossing his arms over his chest, Harry glared at Sirius. "No."

Sirius's should slumped slightly. "But Harry you need to take it."

"No," he replied firmly.

"But…"

"No."

Digging into his robe Sirius pulled out a small box. "I'll give you this if you take the potion," Sirius waved the decorated box at Harry.

"Give it to me first," Harry countered as his eyes following the box.

"After."

"First."

"After."

"First or I won't take it."

"Just give it to him Sirius," Remus commanded.

"But Remus," Sirius whined.

"Give it to him,"

"Fine," Sirius growled as he gave Harry the box.

Inside the small box was a small brown frog, which Harry quickly grabbed as it tried to jump out. Then before anyone could stop him, Harry quickly shoved half of the frog into his mouth.

Turning to Jack, Harry smiled around the frog it's hind legs kicking madly as it tried to escape. With an audible crack the frog stopped moving.

Reaching up Harry plucked the other half of the frog from his mouth and held it out to Jack. "Want some?"

Jack looked down at the poor little brown frog in Harry's hands; it's insides slowly oozing out. Jack swallowed nervously, "No thanks."

Harry looked at Jack sadly then down at his frog and then up at Jack once again.

"Harry," Sirius said, "Jack might not like a peppermint frogs. I think Remus might have a plain chocolate one."

"It's mine," Remus whined.

"Please Moony," Harry begged as he started up at his adopted godfather with big green eyes.

Remus looks at Harry; stared into those big green eyes and sighed in defeat as he tossed a box to Jack who caught it easily.

"It's chocolate," Sirius stated as he noticed everyone's uneasy expression at the idea of eating a living animal. "Magic makes them move. Harry just happens to like the 3W Anatomically Correct Peppermint Frog the best because… well because…" Sirius nodded to Harry who was slurping up the frog's intestine like it was a piece of spaghetti, "well because of that. And the fact he loves peppermint."

Jack looked down at the small box in his hands once again before opening it. Immediately the frog jumped out of the box in the direction of Carter, who snatched it up as soon as it landed. She slowly opened her hands to look at it while trying to keep it from escaping but it remained motionless in the palm of her hand.

"They only have enough magic for one good hop after that they're pretty much done," Remus explained as he watched Carter poked at it with her finger while Dr Fraiser leaned closer and watched.

Hammond groaned. "Animated chocolate, rescue missions, kidnapping that aren't kidnappings. What's next?"

"The Boy Who Lived?" Colonel O'Neill said as he looked down at a card he held in his hand.

Harry leaned over towards Jack and looked at the card. "I hate that photo," he said before starting to lick the melted chocolate from his hands.

"It's moving," Jack stated as he glance briefly at Harry then at the card once again.

"It's a wizard photo," Sirius said as if it explained everything.

"And the Boy Who Lived?" Jack asked as he looked at Harry then up at Sirius, waiting for an explanation.

"Long story," Sirius said before he turned on Harry who had just finished licking his hands clean. Thrusting the bottle at his godson. "Drink," Sirius commanded. 

Skunking his nose up at the potion, Harry took the bottle and downed it in gulp. "Blech!"

"How long does it take for it to work," Hammond asked as he watch the young man.

"It shouldn't take…"

"**Oh shit!**" Harry exclaimed suddenly before vanishing with a loud crack.

"… long," Sirius finished what he was saying with a rather smug look.

"Where did he go," Daniel asked as everyone stared at where the young man had been sitting.

Sirius cocked his head to the side, a puzzled look on his face. "Are we underground?"

"Yes," Hammond replied cautiously.

Sirius nodded his head. "Then he's on the surface."

"Now do you know that?" Daniel asks.

"I'm his godfather," Sirius says as if that explained everything.

Seeing their confusion Remus explained farther. "A special bond is created between godparents and godchildren in the Magical community. The bond allows the godparent to track a child when necessary."

"So that's how you were able to find the base," Daniel concluded

Sirius nodded his head in reply.

"I wonder if that would work with Daniel," Jack mumbled to himself.

"So," Sirius said as he rubbed his hands together, "now that Harry is out of the way lets talk about bride price. I was thinking an even million."


	7. Some Days the Universe Really Does Hate

Disclaimer: If I made any money from this fic I won't be working for a living

Bad Author Notes: Harry Potter is over. Stargate SG-1 is over. But this story lives on. Sorry it took so long, Muse was not happy with this chapter but she's satisfied enough to allow it to go out into the world and play with others.

**Some Days the Universe Really Does Hate You**

by Lady FoxFire

September 23, 2007

* * *

"A million?" Hammond asked confusion evident in his voice.

Sirius nodded his head. "With Harry's fame, the Potter's fortune and political power, I figured that a million should be sufficient enough." Sirius leaned forward so that his crossed arms were resting on the table. "Of course I took into account the danger Jack will be facing from the Dark Lord, Dumbledore and any other of Harry's enemies when I came up with that figure."

Hammond's eyes narrowed. "You want **us** to pay **you** a dowry of a million dollars?"

Sirius leaned back in his chair. He blinked once. Twice. "Ah… no," he replied. "We're paying you a million gallons."

"Gallons? Is that wizards money?" Daniel's interest in the secret community slightly overriding his concern for his friend.

"Yep," Sirius replied turning his attention to Dr Jackson. "One gallon is worth roughly about 4.5 pounds. If you want it in dollars I'm sure the goblin would be happy to convert for you."

"Let me get this straight," Hammond said slowly his words carefully chosen. "Your society is in the middle of a war. One you have no hope of winning without Jack's help, so you _summon_ him without consideration to his duties here or his own life. Force a bond between him and Mr. Potter that cause them to fail into convulsions if they're not in contact with each other on a regular basic. And **now** you want to pay us almost 7 million dollar US, so you can take the Colonel away to do whatever you need with him to win this war."

"That's right," Sirius said with a bright smile, not noticing the warning signs from the General.

"So in other words you want to enslave Colonel O'Neill and pay us to look the other way while you do it," the General growled.

Sirius stared at the General for a moment before turning to his friend with confused expression. "Urg… Remus?"

Sitting ramrod straight in his chair, Remus had his hands clutch tightly together on the table, tears welling up in his eyes while his face turned to an unusual shade of red as he fought not to laugh out loud.

"Remus!" Sirius whined in outrage, which only cause Remus to break down and howl with laughter.

"I hardly think this is a laughing matter," Hammond snarled through clenched teeth.

Reeling in his laughter Remus waved his hand in Sirius' directions. "You're have to forgive this old dog," Remus said between chuckles, "he come a pure blood family and they do things a bit different than the rest of the civilized world."

"Hey we're civilized!" Sirius countered.

"Malfoy, the Lestrange, the Notts," Remus replied.

"The Longbottoms, Bones, Weasleys..." Sirius countered

"The Weasley's didn't have a contract," Remus pointed out.

"Yes they did," Sirius relied smugly.

"How do you know," Remus demanded.

Sirius shrugged his shoulders. "I looked it up."

"You looked up? Why did you… you know what I don't want to know," Remus said with a shake of his head.

Sirius nodded his head while smiling happily. "That's probably a good idea."

By this time General Hammond had closed his eyes and growled softly. Opening his eyes he stared forcefully at Sirius and Remus. "Perhaps you'll care to finish your explanation."

"Yes sir," Remus replied as he squirmed in his seat. "Among some of the pure blood family, like the Blacks," Remus nodded his head in Sirius' direction," it's common practice, that when a child is born a marriage contract is arranged between families. The idea behind the contract is to strengthen the ties between or to formalize a truce between families."

"Kind of like what they did in the Middle Ages," Lou chimed in. "How the royals would marry their kids off to stop wars."

"Exactly. However unlike those contract the ones used now a days have a number of escape clauses so that if the couple realize they can't stand each other, fall in love with someone else who is the acceptable pedigree or find their soul mate they're not forced into marriage," Remus explained. "However if the contract is broken, no matter who breaks it there is a monetary amount to be paid in compensation for the loss of honor. It's usually paid by the wealthier family, even if they were not at fault."

"So the money Sirius was offering for Jack was to cover the cost of breaking any marriage contracts he might have?" Daniel said in disbelief.

"Or for annulment of a marriage in the case of a soul mate," Remus added.

"Ok what happens if there is no contract? Who gets the money then?" Lou asked. "Or what if the amount offered was more than needed?"

"That's easy," Sirius replied. "The money becomes the property of the other person, in this case Jack,"

"So Harry has to pay off two people. One being Jack and the other is his marriage contract," Major Carter says. "Or is he already married?"

"He just has to pay Jack, he doesn't have a contract," Remus replied. "With the war going on there was never enough time to set one up."

"Umm that's not exactly true Moony," Sirius said as he shifted nervously in his chair.

Remus turned and looked at Sirius, his eyes narrowing.

"James and me… well…" Sirius ran his hand nervously through his hair

"You two formed a contract," Remus growled softly.

"Yeah." Sirius ducked his head, looking through the bangs of his hair at Remus.

Remus let out a sigh of disgust. "Lily would have **killed** both of you if she ever found out."

Sirius raised his head, wearing a devil may care smile on his face. "Why do you think we never told anyone."

"Gentlemen," Hammond said as he drummed his finger on the table. "Well this many be interesting could we please return to the subject at hand?"

"Sorry," Remus replied with lowered eyes

"Umm… what were we talking about?" Sirius asked.

Hammond sighed. "Is there a way to break this bond."

"Yep." Sirius replied simply. "Well at least until the bond is finalized"

Immediately everyone around the table perked up in interest.

"And how do we do it?" Dr Fraiser asked.

"Kill one of them," Sirius replied. "Of course there is no guarantee that the other half of the bond won't die too."

Any hope that had been in the room about Jack getting out of this mess vanished with Sirius' words.

"I don't think that's an option here," Hammond grumbled.

"The bond," O'Niell said for the first time since Harry vanished. "You said it needs to be finalized. How?"

"Sex," Sirius stated.

"Sex… with Harry," Jack said as he's tumbled over his words to which Remus and Sirius nodded their heads. "But I'm not gay!"

"Yes you are," Sirius replied with a grin.

"No. I'm not," Jack said firmly as he cross his arms defensively.

"Actual you are," Remus said with a pitying smile on his face. "So is Harry."

Jack lips curled back in a snarl. "I would think I would know what my own sexual preference is."

"And you're right you do except when it comes to your soul mate. At which point in time anything you believe is out the bloody window. Hell if your soulmate is a centaur then you're into…." Sirius turned to Remus. "Would that be bestiality or centauritily?"

Remus shrugged his shoulder. "No clue but you got to admit they are hung like a horse."

"That's bad," Sirius shook his head.

"Thank you," Remus said with pride.

"Centaurs are real?" Daniel finally asked as the others stared at Remus and Sirius with a mix of disbelief and awe.

"Yep. And they're the biggest pricks around," Sirius replied.

"Literature and figuratively," Remus supplied.

"And you know this how?" Lou asked.

"Used to run around the Forbidden Forest," Sirius said.

"There a centaur community that lives there so we would often run into them," Remus explained a bit more.

Then as suddenly as Harry had vanished from the room he popped back into the room and quickly grabbed hold of Jack.

"Hold it right there, mister," Sirius commanded as Remus busily got started on some spells. "You pop out of this room with or without Jack and I'll…. I'll…"

"You'll what?" Harry asked his hand resting on Jack's shoulder.

"I'll…" Sirius said as he looked around the room for an idea or support. "I'll introduce Jack to the twins." An evil smile appeared in his face.

Harry raised as eyebrow at Sirius's threat. "I planned on introducing him to them anyway," he said with a shrug of his shoulders.

"Yeah I know but I would make sure you won't there to protect him. And you know what the twins are like, what they're working on," Sirius said as his grin grew. "Would you actual want Jack to suffer through that?"

"Not that we'll let them harm him much," Remus said with an evil grin of his own, "but we can't promise you how much emotional damage he'll suffer."

Harry's eyes narrowed as he stared at his smiling godfathers before plopping down in his chair. "So what have I missed?"

"You're godfather trying to buy me for 7 million dollars US, the fact that I don't know my own sexual orientation and neither do you and that centaurs are hung," Jack said in a matter of fact tone of voice as he glared at Sirius and Remus.

"They are," Harry said. "But from what I understand Bane was rather small for a centaur. Must be why he was just a smeghead."

"Bane?" Jack suddenly turned and looked at Harry

Harry nodded his head. "He's a narrowed minded centaur who's determined to keep anyone who doesn't agree with his perceptions of the world out of his domain."

"Oh the Kinsey of the horse world," Jack said his eyes slightly wide at the knowledge that the creature of mythology were real.

"That would be centaur, Jack. Not horses," Daniel commented, his head bowed as he busily wrote down some notes.

"They **really** hate being called horses," Harry said with a wicked grin.

"Gentlemen can we please get back to the matters at hand?" Hammond asked.

"And what matters are those," Harry asked

"The bond," Hammond replied as he massaged his forehead.

"Oh right," Harry replied. "So what are we going to do? I mean he," Harry pointed to Jack, "was to be a girl who I was to… well… umm you know. But he's not a she and I'm not… you know."

"That's not what your godfathers say," Jack said as he crossed his arms over his chest.

Harry blinked a couple times at Jack in confusion before slowly turning to face his godfathers. "Sirius," Harry said as he displayed a pair of eyes and puppy would be proud of.

Sirius stared in Harry's puppy dog eyes. "Umm… ahhhh… Remus will explain it to you," Sirius said as he quickly passed the buck.

Remus looked at Sirius in betrayal. "You're his godfather!"

"And so are you," Sirius countered. "Besides you have more experience in matters such as this."

"And who was the Casanova of Hogwarts?" Remus countered

"Of young witches. Never of young wizards." Sirius replied.

"Kid," Lou says as he leaned around Jack so he could talk to Harry. "From what I got out of this mess is that it doesn't matter if you're straight or gay, Jack's your mate and you have to sleep with him."

Harry sat back and started out into nothing. "Oh," he finally said as Sirius and Remus argued about who was going to explain it to him.

Harry turned to Jack as softly said. "Your government that have something about this don't they. Don't ask…"

"Don't tell," Jack said finished Harry's words. "Yeah they do."

"This really screws you over doesn't it?" Harry asks.

"Yeah. Yeah it does," Jack replies

"I'll see what I can do so it won't be a problem," Harry stated. "And if it's any consolation, you probably won't have to worry about it too long. From what I understand the odds of me surviving the year according to the bookies in the wizarding world are very long. So if we can keep everything a secret…" Harry shrugged his shoulders.

"Now hold it right there, young man," Sirius growled as he shook his finger at Harry. "I don't want to hear any of that talk."

"Sirius," Harry said in a tone typically used with condescending child.

"No. I don't want anymore of that death talk Harry," Sirius comment. "You're going to survive this."

"Sirius."

"NO!"

"But it would solve Jack's problem with…" Harry replied

"Hey don't bring me into this!" Jack exclaimed. "Besides dying isn't a way to solve a problem, not matter how many times someone tries it." Jack glances over to Daniel.

"I'm really going to need a drink after today," Hammond mumbled to himself. "Today's been like herding cats."

"Gentlemen and ladies, can we get back to the subject again," Hammond said in a commanding voice. "And it's not about explaining the joy of gay sex to Mr. Potter or about how big a Centaur's equipment is. We are talking about kidnapping of military trained personnel and **offering** money in exchange for him."

Sirius opened his mouth to respond when Harry said, "Sirius. Remus. Silence."

All eyes turned to Harry but instead of the young amusing youth they had gotten used to the found the hardened man Hammond had first met.

"General I understand your concerns but I can assure you that I'm not interested in any military secrets. And to be honest if I was I would go visit your President and get them from him," Harry stated. "I can't change the fact that Jack is my soulmate any more than he can. I also understand how much you must be hating the fact that in order to save the world and Jack's life you have to send him into a situation where he is practically being raped and we're," Harry glanced over at Sirius and Remus, "paying for the privilege. But we can't change that either."

"Colonel O'Neill is one of my men, Mr. Potter," Hammond said.

"Yes sir, I know," Harry replied.

His head bowed slightly, Hammond sat silently in thought. After a moment or two he raised his eyes and looked that O'Neill. "Jack?" he said simply.

O'Neill looked at the General, then at Harry. "Once the bond is completed, we can be separated? We won't have to keep touch each other every 20 minutes?"

Harry looks over at Remus, who nodded his head. "Yes," Harry replied turning back to Jack.

"And with my help you can beat these bastards?" Jack asked.

Harry shrugged his shoulders. "With the bond I'll have more control over my magic but Voldemort and Dumbledore have more experience," Harry replied. "I don't know if I'll win against both of them but I'm going to do my best."

Jack nodded his head, accepting Harry's words. "Right," he said, dread evident in his voice. "I guess we need…"

Before Jack can finish whatever he was about the say the phone next to Hammond began to ring.

"Hammond," the General said as he answered the phone. "Yes. Yes. Thank you." Hanging the phone up Hammond looked at those gathered at the table. "That was the gate. Senator Kinsey has arrived. It seems as if he has received word about your _unique_ condition Jack."

Jack started to pound his head against the desk. "Think he'll put me in Ripley's Believe It or Not or just condemn me to eternal damnation since he seems to think he speaks to God?"

"It could be worse Jack," Lou said. "Anise could be visiting."

"**Off World Activation!**"

"You **just** had to open your mouth didn't you," Jack growled.

Lou shrugged his shoulder. "Doesn't mean that it's her."

"No but the way my luck is running right now it probably is,"

"General," Remus said, "not to be rude but we are on a time limit, not only with the bond but with Harry's _friends_ who might want to _visit_ him."

"Well that's going to be a problem, son," Hammond replied, "seeing as the only way off this base is past Kinsey. That is unless you can teleport with someone?"

A smile came to the faces of the three wizards.

"I'm coming," Daniel stated in a tone that left no argument. "Jack's not going into this alone."

"I concur," Teal'c said.

"I'm in too," Carter added in.

"Same here," Lou comment. "Can't let you have all the fun, Jack."

"Thanks," Jack said as he rolled his eyes.

The three wizards looked at each other. "Portkey," Remus stated simply as an evil grin blossomed on Sirius and his faces.

Harry started to pound his head against the desk. "I hate portkeys," Harry said.

"Tough," Sirius said with a smirk. "Get to work, Harry."

"You do realize that either one of you can make one to the castle," Harry said as he pushed himself away from the table while snagging a drinking glass.

"True but are you really going to trust your bondmate and his family with a portkey made by anyone else?" Sirius replied smugly.

Harry made a gesture that if the words had been said would've had any mother reaching for the nearest bar of soap.

With a quick flick of his wrist the glass was turned into a hulu-hoop.

"That's a portkey," Lou asked in disbelief.

"Not yet," Harry replied.

"A portkey can be anything," Remus explained. "It could be as small as a button to as large as… well it can be big. The only thing that really defines what a portkey is made out of is the number of people using it and how easily you want to hide it from Muggles."

"Soda bottles are pretty commonly used," Sirius put in, "since people seems to throw them everyplace."

"Done," Harry said simply as he held out the hula-hoop to the others.

"Before you leave there are a few matter that need to be settle," Hammond said as those going with Jack and the wizards started to rise from their seats.

Harry cocked his heads questionably to the General.

"First off my men," Hammond said as he nodded to the far corner of he room.

Harry turned and looked and looked in that direction to see green rabbits hopping. "What… No don't tell me," Harry said before quickly changing the rabbits back into men who wore unfortunately still in the Playboy Bunnies outfit.

Harry stared at the men for a moment while they shuffled in place uncomfortably. "I'm going to blame Sirius for that," Harry said as he turned his back to the men, dismissing them from his mind.

"Hey!"

"What else?" Harry asked as he ignored Sirius.

"Communication," Hammond said. "I want to hear from my team daily."

Harry nodded his head as he pulled out a simple mirror. "Two-way mirror. I have one at the castle. If you need to speak to any of use, speak to the mirror and someone will answer. You'll be able to see them too."

Hammond nodded his head as he accepted the mirror. "I expect a full report upon your return."

"Yes, sir."

"Ok everyone gather around and grab hold of the… whatever this is," Sirius looked at the hula-hoop in confusion.

"Pure bloods," Remus and Harry mumbled to themselves.

"What about clothes and stuff?" Daniel asked.

"What we can't supply you with you can either return to retrieve or have Dobby get," Remus stated as he grabbed hold of the hula-hoop.

Without a pause Jack took hold of the hula-hoop with one hand and Harry's hand in the other.

The others glance at each other briefly then at the General who nodded his head, before grabbing hold.

"Home," Harry said simply before the group vanishing.

With a sigh of relief General Hammond leaned back in his seat before reaching for the phone. "Harriman. Can you tell me if Sgt. McCoy is still not running that not existing still someplace not on my base?"

Hammond nodded his head at some response from Sgt. Harriman.

"Good. Good. See if you can appropriate some for me. I'm going to need it after today."


	8. Two Shall Be One

Disclaimer: If I owned the Harry Potter series or Stargate SG-1 things would never have ended like they did but I don't and since I don't make any money from this fic I can never buy the right to them either.

Bad author Notes: Sorry this took so long to write but writing a good sex scene is not easy. If you're reading this on then you have the clean version and will have to visit another site for the NC-17 version. Sites will be listed on my author profile page

Two Shall Be One

By Lady FoxFire

January 27, 2008

* * *

"I don't think I like those things" Jack said from beneath a pile of bodies. 

"I've always hated them," Harry replied from somewhere in a pile.

"I don't have any problems with them," Sirius said from where he stood watching the Americans and his godson extract themselves from the mass of arms and legs. "What about you Masseur Moony? Do you have any problems with them?"

"Why no Masseur Padfoot, I do not. Portkeys are an efficient means of travel," Remus replied sharing the same grin as Sirius.

"I hate you," Harry growled as he climbed to his feet, glaring at his godfathers.

"Ah but we love you Harry," Sirius gushed as he threw an arm over Harry's' shoulder and dragged him in a hug.

"So what's the trick to arriving on you feet," Jack asked as he brushed the back of his pants.

"There isn't one," Sirius replied with a shrug. "Lily, Harry's mother, used to always end up on the ground when she used them. She had a theory that magic was a living thing and it like to pull the rug from underneath her when she used a portkey. Only time she didn't end up on her butt was when she was pregnant with Harry or physically carrying him."

"Great so my mom and me are the butt of magic's joke," Harry grumbled as fought his way free of Sirius's grasp.

"You're wrong Harry. Magic loves you; it's the Tootows that have fun tripping you," a woman's voice came from the doorway.

Everyone turned to look for the source of the voice. In the doorway stood a young woman with dirty blond hair and budging silver-grey eyes.

"Tootows, Tic?" Harry said with an amused smile on his face at the sight of this new person.

"Oh yes Harry. They're very similar to Kneazle but they have five toes on each paw and a feathered tail," Tic explained. "And they're very fast so you can't see them when they're up to mischief."

"And they're the one who cause me to fall flat on my a… butt every time I use a portkey?" Harry asked in amusement.

The woman blinked her eyes. "Of course not Harry. They only do it when it would be funny or when it would be safer for you to be on the ground than standing up. They like you too much to want to see you hurt."

"Ah. That explains everything," Harry replied with a nod of his head.

"They also like to hide things from people when they're looking for them. And pens. They seem to like Muggle pens. I think they eat them."

"Do they eat socks too?" Ferretti asked in a joking fashion.

Tic turned and looked at the Lou. She blinked her eyes slowly and looked at him as if she just noticed him. "Of course not. They don't eat socks. Marmacks do."

"Marmacks?" Lou couldn't seem to stop himself form asking the question he really wasn't sure he wanted the answer to.

"Yeap. They live in Muggle clothes drying machine and eat the sock at the Muggles put in there. But they only eat one sock out of the pair. If they eat both they get horrible gas," she explained in a dreamlike voice.

"I always wondered what happened to the other sock," Jack commented.

Harry flashed Jack smile. "Allow me to introduce everyone," Harry said as he stepped over to Tic and gentle guided her to the new arrive. "This lovely lady is Luna Lovegood, Tic to all who know and love her."

Luna bobbed in place in what appeared to be a strange curtsey before grabbing on to Harry and dragged him in Major Carter's direction. Stopping in from the Major, Luna turned and looked at Harry with a look that seem to say 'Well?"

Harry bites his bottom lip as he tried not to laugh at Luna's behavior. "Luna may I introduce the equally lovely lady, Major Samantha Carter," Harry said.

"Please call me Sam," Carter said with a kind smile.

"It's nice to me you Sam," Luna replied. "I won't worry too much about your little problem. I'm sure that Harry can find White Groom Spider for you soon."

"White Groom Spider?" Sam replied with a raised eyebrow

Luna nodded here head. "Of course. You'll need it to remove the Black Widow spell that is on you."

Harry shrugged his shoulders as a form of apology as he directed her toward Ferretti and Daniel. "This is Major. Ferretti and this is Dr Jackson."

Luna looked at Daniel very intently for a few minutes before turning to Harry. "Can we get some blue ribbon with Egyptian symbols on it?"

A sound that was a cross between a cough and a choking sound escaped Daniel's lips as the third person in less than a day made a comment about wrapping him up as a present for someone.

At the same time many of the other people gathered in the room covered their mouths or turned away so they would not be seen laughing at Daniel's expense.

"Bill's birthday isn't until November," Remus commented as he watched with amusement.

"And Christmas is even further away," Sirius chimed in.

"Oh poo," she pouted.

Grabbing Luna by the shoulders before she could say anything to further embarrass Daniel, Harry swung her into the direction silent yet intimidating man. "And this is Teal'c Murray or is it Murray Teal'c?" Harry said.

"Teal'c is acceptable," he replied with a slight bow of his head.

"I like you," Luna said with an almost child-like tone before her eyes suddenly turn hard and dangerous. "But I don't like you," she said as she looked down at Teal'c's abdomen.

Harry glanced over at Sirius and Remus with concern while those from SGC with the exception of Teal'c looked at each other with surprise.

"You are most perceptive," Teal'c said with a raised eyebrow.

Luna looked up at Teal'c once again, the dangerous woman that she was quickly morphed back into her child-like nature. "If he behaves himself you can stay."

"Then I will do my best to make sure that he behaves," Teal'c replied with a nod of his head.

"Ok," Luna said before grabbing Harry by the hand and dragging him over to Colonel O'Neill.

"Luna Lovegood allow me to introduce you to my bond mate Colonel Jack O'Neill," Harry said rather formally as he ran a hand nervously through his hair.

"It's nice to meet you Ms Lovegood," Jack turned on the charm quickly realizing that this woman's opinion was very important.

Luna looked the Colonel over slowly. "You were suppose to be a chesty red head," Luna stated.

"I've been told that before," Jack replied with a grim smile.

Luna suddenly broke out in a smile that transformed her from a pretty young lady into a stunning woman. "You'll do. You'll do very well," she said before turning to Harry. "He's much better than any silly red headed trollop you could have found."

"It was Sirius who said it would be a chesty red head," Harry replied. "Some type of Potter's curse or something."

Sirius quickly spoke up in his defense. "That's what James and his father told me."

Luna let out a dismissing sound at Sirius's reasoning. "It's rather late," she declared. "It would be best if I showed your guests to their room especially given how portkeys effect some Muggles."

"It affects them?" Harry asked in confusion glancing between his godfathers and Luna. "How?"

"It's an old wife's tale," Remus explains with a chuckle. "It doesn't do anything at all."

"I disagree with you, Professor," Luna stated, her head regally. "It's a knew fact that when a Muggle uses a portkey they soon come down with strange cravings for things like Turkish coffee and tiramisu. If we don't supply these poor people what they need soon and a place for them to recover who knows what may befall them."

"A cup of coffee would be nice right about now," Daniel chimed in.

"I haven't had a slice of tiramisu in ages," Sam said as she unconsciously licked her lips.

"You see it has already began," Luna declared. Taking Daniel's arm, Luna started to pull him toward the door. "Come along my dear friends. I'm sure the house elves will have something that will relieve you of your cravings.

"Major Carter?" Teal'c asked as he stepped up to the Major.

"Yes Teal'c?" She replied as she started to follow Luna and Daniel.

Stepping in line, Teal'c asked, "What is tiramisu?"

"I won't worry about your bond mate, Harry," Luna called out just as the walked through the doorway. "I'm sure that you'll be able to satisfy his cravings yourself."

Sirius, Remus, Jack and Harry were soon the only ones left in the room. Sirius and Remus looked at each other then at the door the others had just left through. Shrugging, they linked arms and walked out of the room following Luna and the others.

Jack and Harry stood staring at the doorway slightly confused.

"Is she always like that?" Jack asked finally breaking the silence.

Harry cocked his head to the side. "Yeah pretty much."

"No wonder you call her Tic," Jack commented as he shot a look at Harry.

Harry sighed wearily. "She's actual pretty mild compared to the Twins and their ping pong way of talking."

Jack nodded in understanding. "Maybe we should pit Daniel and Carter against them. Winner takes all."

A smirk appeared on Harry's face at the thought of what the Twins were capable of. "What stakes?"

Jack blinked a couple of times surprised that Harry was willing to accept the challenge. "What do you got?"

"Money. Power. Information. You name it I probably have it, or can get it." Harry commented.

Jack stared at Harry for a moment before an almost evil grin appeared on his face. "If I win you'll help with a annoying thorn in my side by the name of Kinsey."

"And if I win?" Harry asked with a raised eyebrow.

"You won't. No one can out talk those two. They're the master of techo babble," Jack said with supreme confidence.

An equally evil smile appeared on Harry's face. "I wouldn't be too confident if I were you," Harry said. "If I win then I get a trip to Disney World with you acting as tour guide and porter."

"Disney World?" Jack said in disbelief.

Harry shrugs his shoulders. "Why not?"

"Only if we ride the Tower of Terror," Jack commented.

"Agreed," Harry said as he held out his hand for Jack to shake. "And we avoid the It's a Small World ride."

"Hell yeah," Jack replied as he shook Harry's hand. "That ride should be against the Geneva Convention."

With a soft pop the house elf that had appeared in SGC and had been addressed as Dobby suddenly appeared in the room.

"Dobby is happy to see Harry Potter, sir acting like Harry Potter, sir instead of little Harry Potter, sir," Dobby said. "Dobby was so happy Dobby could help Harry Potter, sir's dogfather and wolfie make Harry Potter, sir better."

The smile that appeared on Harry's face resembled the smiles that millions of parents wore when dealing with excited children. "And you did a good job at helping Dobby. Thank you."

Dobby appeared to get ever more excited at Harry's thanks.

"House elves are excited that Harry Potter, sir has brought his bond mate to Harry Potter sir's home. House elves have prepared rooms for Harry Potter sir and his bond mate." The house elf said without taking a breath. "House elves hope that Harry Potter sir and his bond mate will like the rooms."

"I'm sure we will, Dobby," Harry replied as he eyed the excited elf warily.

"Dobby will show Harry Potter, sir and his bond mate to rooms," Dobby said as the small house elf bounce on the balls of his feet.

Harry and Jack looked at each other; their nervousness evident as they both realize what will happen inside the rooms.

"Lead the way… umm Dobby?" Jack said.

"Oh! Harry Potter's Colonel Jack O'Neill knows Dobby's name!" the house elf said as he bounced faster as for the first time he was addressed by Jack let alone used Jack's name.

"Umm… you can call me Jack," Jack said as he glanced over at Harry who was biting his lip to keep from laughing.

"Oh Dobby can't not do that Harry Potter's Colonel Jack O'Neill. Dobby now a good house elf now. Would be wrong of Dobby to call Harry Potter's Colonel Jack O'Neill that."

"Oh for crying out loud," Jack exclaimed as he ran his hands roughly through his short hair. "Can't you just call me Jack or Colonel O'Neill?"

"Dobby," Harry said between snickers. "You need to call Jack something else beside what you're been calling him."

Dobby looked at Harry in confusion. "What should Dobby be calling that Harry Potter's Colonel Jack O'Neill? Oh! Oh Dobby knows! Harry Potter's Colonel Jack O'Neill is Harry Potter's sir bond mate."

"Yes he is Dobby," Harry said with a great sigh, "but you can't call him that either. If a bad witch or wizard were to hear you…"

"Oh they would take Harry Potter's Colonel Jack O'Neill away." Dobby's ears drooped. "They might hurt Harry Potter's Colonel Jack O'Neill."

"That's right Dobby," Jack said as he squatted down so he could look at Dobby in the eyes. "If bad people find out about me they might try to use me to make Harry do something he doesn't want to do. That's why you can't call me that long title. You can call me Jack or O'Neill."

Dobby looked over at Harry as if to ask permission. Harry simply nodded his head.

"Dobby now should Harry Potter, sir and Jack or O'Neill to rooms," he said as he grabbed their hands and dragged them out of the room.

"Oh for crying out loud!"

* * *

"Dobby hope Harry Potter, sir and Jack or O'Neill like new rooms," the house else said as he lead the two men into a room that could be described as a den. "House elves work very hard making it right for Harry Potter, sir and Jack or O'Neill."

"Ah… Dobby," Harry said as he looked around the room, his eyes picking out things that usual resided in his bedroom and sitting room. "I thought we were going to my bedroom."

"Harry Potter, sir is in rooms. Harry Potter, sir now master of home with mate," Dobby explained. " Harry Potter, sir and Jack or O'Neill needs to be in master's room."

"But I thought I was," Harry replied.

"Harry Potter, sir was but now Harry Potter, sir has Jack or O'Neill," the house elf said with a huge smile. "Dobby go now to get Harry Potter, sir and Jack or O'Neill food and other things." And with that Dobby popped out of the room.

Jack turned towards Harry. "Is he…" he sputtered.

Harry plopped back into a leather couch. "Is he always like that?" Harry finished the question for him and Jack nodded. "Believe it or not but he's mellowed. He was so much more…"

"Ignoring? Irritating? Frustrating?"

Harry chuckled. "Energetic. Especially during my second year at Hogwarts when he was trying to save my life."

"Well I guess that was a good thing," Jack said as he sat down on the couch. "Him saving your life I mean."

Harry snorted. "You would think so but Dobby has an unusual ideas about how to save someone's life."

"Do I want to know?" Jack asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Probably not," Harry replied as he got off the couch and began to wonder around opening doors.

The first door Harry opened lead to an office. With a quick glance around the room, Harry pulled the door shut. "Office," he announced as he looked over at Jack who gotten off the couch and was opening another door.

"Bedroom," Jack said as he pushed the door open so that Harry could see into the room.

Harry let out a shaky breath. "Did I mention how sorry I am for getting you in this mess," he said.

With a soft chuckle Jack replied, "A few times."

"Oh good I was afraid I had forgot," Harry said as he started at the room with dread. "So…"

"So?" Jack mimicked with an easy smile, watching Harry shuffle uncomfortably in place.

"Have you ever… you know," Harry asked his checks taking on a rosy complexion while he looked at everything but at Jack.

"Been with a guy? Had anal sex?" Jack supplied.

"Umm yeah."

"Slept with a guy, no. As I told Sirius, I'm straight or as he claimed I **was** straight," Jack said as he walks away from the bedroom door and began to examine the knickknacks scattered around the room. "As for anal sex… my wife… my ex-wife Sara was very adventurous. She was always into something new and different."

"So she would…" Harry squirmed. "You know to you."

"If I had let her she probably would," Jack replied. "If you looked up kinky in the dictionary you would find her photo. But nah she never did. I was always the one fucking her. So have you?"

Harry thrust his hands into his pants pocket. "Umm… No. I've kind of…" Harry mumbled something at the end.

"Huh?" Jack cocked his head to the side.

Harry licked his lips nervously. "I've never had sex," he said very softly.

Jack blinked at Harry very owlishly. "Did you say you never had sex? That you're a virgin?"

"Yeah," Harry replied as he turned his back towards Jack.

Jack opened hit mouth. Closed. Opened. Closed. "Oh."

Harry growled. "It's not like it was my choice. I could have had anyone I wanted at any time if I didn't mind the fact that they were either after me for my fame, my fortune or to try to kill me."

"So there was another reason behind the spell you guys did," Jack stated as he crossed his arms over his chest and watched the younger man as he shifted in place nervously.

Harry sighed; his shoulders slumped in defeat. "Yeah. I mean if I survived I was hoping that she…" Harry glanced up at Jack, "I mean if you were a her that we could have had a chance. Could have started a family."

Jack's arms dropped to the side as he realized that Harry had lost his only chance of having children. "Sorry," he replied dejectedly.

"It's not your fault," Harry replied as he straightened his stance. "Fate just likes to fuck with me. If I ever get a chance to be happy she fucks it up for me. Fate's whipping boy."

"Join the group," Jack replied ash he shoved his hands into his pockets. "I once was a happily married man with loving wife and son until one day that ended."

"What happened?" Harry asked see the distress in Jack's posture.

"Charlie, my son. One day he found my gun and…" Jack explained. "To this very day I swear I had locked that gun up. That he could never have gotten hold of it."

Harry's eyes narrowed in thought.

"So kid… umm… the bond… ah," Jack stammered. "We need to… you know."

"Yeah… ah… so how should we… I mean I… I think you should lead," Harry babbled, his face growing redder with every word. "I mean you've got more experience."

"You sure? I mean with the bond… does it matter who leads?"

"I don't know. I don't think so," Harry replied hopefully.

"Right. But if it does just remember one thing," Jack said.

"What?"

"We blame Sirius."

Harry looked at Jack for a moment before he broke out into laughter. "And Remus," he added.

"And Remus," Jack replied as he stepped closer to Harry so that he was less than arm's length from the younger man.

"Umm… Hi," Harry said as Jack gently cupped Harry's cheek.

"Hi," Jack replied with a soft smile.

"You know that all of this is from the bond," Harry told him as Jack moved even closer.

"Yeah," Jack replied as he lowered his head.

"Oh okay," Harry breathed out just as his lips meet Jack's.

* * *

A few hours after Jack had howled out his own cuming, both men had were deep asleep in the arms of Morpheus, so completely exhausted by their mutual pleasure he couldn't even disturb their sleep with dreams.

Harry slept with his head on Jack's chest his body curled up against that of the older man. While Jack had an arm curled around Harry, securing Harry in place against him.

The two men were so deeply asleep in the now darkened room that the sudden appearance of a band of glowing light failed to disturb either of them as it normally might have. The glowing band of light slowly spread over them starting from where they were touching until the pair was completely engulfed in a flowing orb of light. Their hearts seem to beat in time and with each heartbeat the glow become brighter and brighter.


	9. The Facts of Life by the Marauder and Ti

Title: The Facts of Life by the Marauder and Tic

By Lady FoxFire

Pairing: Jack/Harry

Rating: M

Warning: Slash

Category: Crossover

Summary: Stargate SG-1/Harry Potter Sometime in life you have to do the one thing you absolutely dread to get the one thing you absolutely need or want, so you can do the one thing you have to do. And sometime people get sucked in to it. Post Hogwarts, Slash

Disclaimer: You would think that disclaimers are the easiest part of writing a fic. Just state that you don't own the universe you're playing with and that you don't make any money from it and poof you're done. Well that true unless you're one of the few insane writers who enjoy make their disclaimers into little quips or stories. cough Bobmin cough And then develop disclaimer blocks which is like writer's block with a side order of headache and you get a mess just like what you just read.

Bad Author Notes: What can I say… sorry about how long it took for me to get this chapter out but real life sucks sometimes. My Muse wanted to play in another universe for a bit. It's summer time with a almost 12 yr. old boy and I have to work all day with only 5 vacation days for this year. Pick one or make something up…. Like Jack not wanting to get out of bed.

* * *

Jack's eyes opened to barely noticeable slit as he took in the world that he awoke to. Keeping his breathing slow and steady, Jack rolled over only to end up to next to a mass of black hair and firm body.

The tension of waking in a strange place fled as the realization of where he was and who was next to him finally dawned upon Jack.

Propping himself up on his elbow Jack looked down at his bedmate with a look of fondness and confusion. A small smile graced his lips as a soft snore escaped the lips of his bondmate.

With a sigh, Jack slipped quietly out of bed without disturbing the young man. Yawning Jack stretched his arms over his head, working the kinks out of his body. Then as he scratched his head, Jack plodded into the bathroom, stopping before the porcelain throne to deal with his morning business.

Finishing that business with a sigh of relief, Jack ran his tongue over his teeth and grimaced at what he found. Reaching for the mirror in the hopes that it was a medicine cabinet, Jack froze his arm still outstretched.

"Harry," he called out as he stared at his reflection in the mirror. Receiving no reply Jack called out even louder, "**Harry**."

This time Jack's bellow was meet with a **THUMP** and a curse.

"What do you want Jack," Harry mumbled as he stumbled across the room rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "I was sleep… ing." Harry stopped and stared when he got his first good look at Colonel O'Neill this morning. "Jack?"

"Harry," Jack said slowly drawing out the word, "do you know why I suddenly look like I'm in my mid-twenties now?" Jack turned towards Harry, his eyes widen for his second surprise of the day. "And why do you suddenly look taller and…. not so scrawny?"

"I don't know why…." Harry trailed off as what Jack said finally sunk in past his shock. "What did you say?"

"Which one?" Jack snarled as he glared at the younger man. "Why do I look younger or why are you taller?"

Harry blinked a couple of times. "That's what I thought you said," he pushed Jack aside so he could look at himself in the mirror. "This is weird," Harry commented, but he didn't sound at all surprised by it as if odd things happening to him were an everyday occurrence.

"Ya think," Jack snapped.

"Hey there is no need to snap at me," Harry snarled. "I'm just as confused as you are."

Jack exhaled through his nose. "So who would know?" he demanded through clenched teeth.

Harry shot Jack an apologetic look as he understand that this was one surprise too many for the older, now much younger man. "Remus. If anyone would know he probably would."

Jack blinked in surprise. "Werewolf boy?"

Now it was Harry turn to glare at Jack. "Don't call him that," Harry snarled as he defended unfortunate man. "It's not his fault he has lycanthropy."

Jack looked at Harry for a moment before nodding his head. "Ok show where would he be?"

Harry looked over at the clock on the fireplace mantle. "Breakfast," he replied walking over wardrobe and started to pull out clothes. Tossing some of the clothes over to Jack, Harry said, "Get dressed," as he started to pull on his clothes.

"Are you always this bossy in the morning?" Jack grumbled as he started to get dressed.

Harry shot a looked at Jack before pulling a shirt over his head.

"I mean are you always this grumpy in the morning or is this special?" Jack commented with a smirk

"Bite me," Harry growled.

"I'm pretty sure I did."

* * *

In the atrium overlooking the countryside the members of SGC minus Colonel O'Neill were enjoying breakfast as they were entertained with tales of the magical community from Remus and Sirius with an occasional odd comment thrown in from Luna Lovegood.

"So you're saying King Tutankhamun's tomb really was cursed?" The disbelief evident in Daniel's voice even with all the magic he'd seen since O'Neill's kidnapping.

"Yeap," Remus replied before taking a bite of scrambled eggs. "Of course the wizard who placed the curses wasn't very good since they didn't kill anyone in any spectacular fashion like the spells on tomb of the Scorpion King. From what Bill tell me those were some of the most brilliant curses he had ever seen."

"The Scorpion King? He was real?" Daniel asked with wide eyes. "I mean the only evidence we have of his existence is a pictorial on the Scorpion Macehead in a temple at Nekhen."

" He was real," Remus said with a nod of his head. "Bill was working in his tomb not too long ago."

"Is that when they were attacked by the snake thingies," Sirius chimed in as he reached across the table to snatch the breakfast rolls.

Remus nodded his head.

"Snake thingies?" Major Ferretti glanced at the other member of SGC.

"The Scorpion King was said to be a very powerful wizard who's love was stolen by one of the life stealing water snakes which we think was some type of demon," Remus explained. "So to avenge his love he set out to drive the water snakes back into the standing water and then seal the well forever. We think the snake thingies were prisoners of war he had entombed with him when he died."

"They're not very nice," Luna stated in a sing song tone. "But you know that already. You and Scorpion King are very much alike, Daniel."

The member of SGC looked at each other uncomfortably as Remus and Sirius dismissed Luna's comment with a shrug of their shoulders.

"If you're interested I'm sure we can arrange for you to view the tomb before it can be _discovered_," Remus suggested.

Daniel blinked at Remus in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Well after the screw up with King Tutankhamun's tomb the Magical Egyptian government and the Muggle government came to an agreement that curse breakers and magical Egyptologists would enter the tomb first and remove any dangerous items before allowing the tomb to be discovered."

"What do you mean they remove items from the tomb?" Daniel growled in a very threatening manner.

Sirius and Remus both look at Daniel in surprise while everyone else including Luna watched with amusement.

"Reminds me of Lily," Sirius commented.

Remus cocked his head to the side. "You mean the time you pretend to spill ink across the original manuscripts of the Book of Taliesin?"

Daniel made a strange choking sound, as his eyes grew so wide you would've expected them to fall out.

"He sounds a bit like a motor boat," Remus commented as he stared at Daniel with amusement.

"Harry did a better imitation when he was one," Sirius replied.

"He sounds more like a Flumph trying to mate with a warthog," Luna added in.

"What is a Flumph?" Teal'c dared to ask as he watched the strange female warily.

Sirius shook his head. "It's best not to ask."

"They're air-breathing jellyfish with eye stocks," Luna explained. "They're very intelligent."

"Told you so," Sirius mumbled to himself.

Major Ferretti looked over at Luna, his eyes slightly narrowed. "You won't happen to have a copy of The Fiend Folio Tome would you?"

Luna raised her teacup to her lips, "Maybe," she replied before take a sip.

Lou shook his head while chuckling to himself.

"What's the The Fiend Folio Tome?" Daniel asked.

Ferretti look over at Dr Jackson and replied, "Oh no. I'm not go…"

"**Remus! I hope you have a good explanation!"**

Those sitting at the table were instantly silenced as the name echoed through the room. Almost as one all the eyes were drawn to the entranceway of the dining room.

"What did you do Moony?" Sirius said softly as he stared at the entranceway, waiting for his godson to arrive.

"Me! What did you do?" Remus demanded as he tore his eyes away from the door and fixed them on his long time friend.

"Remus," a young man who appeared to look like Harry would have if he hadn't lived with the Dursley's growled from the doorway with a slightly older man next to him "You have some explaining to do. I… we want to know exactly what that spell did to us."

"Colonel?" Carter gasped as she stared at the man, who appeared to be in his mid 20's, standing next to Harry.

"Carter," Colonel O'Neill replied with a nod of his head before turning his own formidable glare on Remus.

Daniel looked over his 'new and improved' friend concerned. "Are you alright Jack," Daniel asked.

"You mean aside from be kidnapped, bonded, suffering through seizures when not with my new partner then completing the bond and waking up the next day younger than I was when I fell asleep then yes I'm fine. How are you?" Jack replied

"You don't have to be an ass, Jack," Harry commented.

Jack cross his arms over his chest and snorted.

"Umm… I'm not sure what you want me to explain, Harry?" Remus asks as he squirmed slightly in his chair.

"Oh I don't know," Harry said as his eyes narrowed. "Maybe why Jack and me suddenly look so different."

"Well…it's probably due to the bond," Remus replied looking everywhere but at the two upset men before him.

"We kind of figure that out. Thanks," Jack snarled. "What we want to know is what exactly has happened to us and why."

"Well," Remus said a he picked up his fork and started on his breakfast once again, "it's the summer winter solution." With that said Remus shoved a fork full of food into his mouth and quietly chewed.

"And what is that?" Harry demanded as both men sat down at an empty spot at the table and started to fill their plates.

Remus wiped his mouth on his napkin, taking on an air the member of SGC were familiar with when Daniel was about to lecture to them about some ancient thing or writing. "Tell me Colonel, you're in you late 40's early 50's. Correct?

"Something like that," O'Neill replied as he glared at Remus.

"And now you appear to be in you early to mid 20's. And you Harry," Remus said as he turned his attention to his unofficial godson. "Before the bond you were a thin somewhat health young man and now you look like what you probably would have looked like if you were raised by either your parents or Sirius and I."

"So the bond de-aged Jack and made the kid healthier?" Lou said as he looked over the Colonel with a hint of jealousy in his eyes.

"You still haven't explained anything," Jack commented.

Remus nodded his head. "Harry how old is Dumbledore?"

Harry shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. 140? 150?"

The eyes of the Americans widened in surprise at Harry's answer.

"And Ollivander?" Remus asked.

"Old," Harry replied emphasizing the word. "I don't think anyone knows how old he is. I mean he probably was the one who sold Dumbledore his wand."

"So easily 200 years old or more," Remus stated.

"Your people live that long?" Daniel said in awe as his eyes danced with curiosity.

"Before the wars it wasn't uncommon to see witches and wizards over 200, nearly 300 years of age," Sirius supplied. "I know in other countries that's still a fact."

Jack glanced over towards Carter and Daniel, both of who were practically vibrating with excitement over the idea of being able to talk to someone on earth who was 200 years old or more. Jack raised a single finger up in their direction, "Ahh ahhh," The sound seemed to immediately calm them down.

Catching an impressed look from Harry, Jack turned his attention back to Remus. "So what does this have to do with me being de-aged?"

"And what if you had been a 200 year old witch or wizard or Harry had been?" Remus replied with a smirk.

The newly bonded couple looks at each other.

"Ewww! Not at breakfast, Moony," Sirius said as he looked at fork full of food in disgust.

"Like that will put you off your food," Remus commented.

"True," Sirius replied before shoving the food into his mouth.

Harry shook his head at his godfather's actions. "So the bond made it so that we're closer to the same age but why did it changed me?"

"Why do you think it did?" Remus asked.

Harry sighed wearily. "Fine. So how do we hide these changes? If I show up wear glamour someone will start asking questions and I can't imagine the problems Jack's going to have."

"You could blame Snape," Sirius suggested. "Just claim that he's been working on a potion for you. You could also use it as an excuse for why you haven't been seen for the past few days."

"That solution won't work for me," Jack commented. "And it won't explain my condition from when I was kidnapped."

"Well a glamour could be use to make you appear as you were," Harry suggested as he played with food. "But I don't know how to explain away everything else. Do you have any ideas?"

A small knowing smile appeared on Jack's face. "A few," he replied.

"So what do you do there?" Sirius asked.

"Sorry. It's classified," Jack replied smugly.

"They travel through a gateway to other planets and meet with beings not of Earth," Luna stated as she buttered a slice of toast. "They also battle aliens like the water snakes Bill found in Egypt."

"Aliens?" Sirius said in disbelief not noticing how the Americans had frozen at Luna's words.

Luna nodded her head. "They enter the body through either the mouth or back of the neck and then take control of the person; making them do whatever it wants," she explained. "They're not very nice."

"Evil water snakes from space?" Remus asked.

Luna once again nodded her head as she chewed her food. "There are good aliens too, like Teal'c. He's a good alien even though he has a baby water snake in his belly."

Harry, Remus and Sirius turned and look at Teal'c who simply raised an eyebrow in return.

"Jack," Harry said in a tone that says he wants answers as he turned towards his bondmate.

"Harry," Jack replied in a voice that seem to say 'don't ask.'

"Colonel O'Neill," Luna called out breaking the staring contest the two stubborn men seem to be having.

"Yes?"

"I'm curious, do you see Loki, Thor or any of the Asgaurd in your travels?" Luna asked. "You see a number of them especially Loki still owe on their bar tabs."

"Bar tab?" Carter said.

"My great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather Egbert Lovegood ran a pub and the Asgard would often visit there for a pint or more of butter beer. Many of them had a running tab."

"The Asgaurd owe you money," Daniel said in disbelief. "How much?"

"I'm not really sure. I'm not really very good with numbers, interests and inflation, so I have the goblins keep track of it," Luna replied. "I'm sure we can ask them when they come visit Harry today."

"So do goblins visit you often?" Jack asked

Harry shrugged his shoulders. "We're allied with them. War is bad for business and so is stagnation which is what is happening to the magical world since it's under Dumbledore's control."

"What type of business do goblins run?" Ferretti asked. "I mean are we talking about goblins like the ones in Tolkien's work? You know a little shorter than a human, smart but really nasty fighter who doesn't have a problem eating you or each other?"

"I think you mean Orcs, Major?" Daniel said. "Goblins are typically pictured as crabby dwarf size beings who cause mischief. Some stories have them related to the Celtic brownies."

"Yeah but this is Tolkien. In his work goblins with a little g is just another name for Orcs," Lou countered. "His goblins were fierce fighters you wouldn't want to go up against."

Major Ferretti turned to Harry. "So what are your Goblins like?"

"Well they're not related to brownies," Harry stated in a matter of fact tone of voice. "I think if you would say that to one of them… well I would hope you have your will made out. Goblins are highly intelligent beings who belong to a warrior-centered culture, so they have no problem defending themselves or their honor. I'm pretty sure they don't eat each other or humans."

"Well that's good to know," Jack commented as he stabbed his eggs with his fork. "But what do they do?"

"Metalsmith. Banker. Body guards," Remus supplied. "Their magic is different from wizard magic so they often team up with wizards to create nearly impenetrable wards. As you can image they're not cheap."

"Oh so they're a little evil," Lou commented.

As all eyes turned to him questioningly, Ferretti shrugged his shoulders. "They're bankers. I have yet to meant a banker that wasn't slightly evil in some way."

Lou's comment was met by silence until Sirius finally spoke. "He does have a point. They would probably consider it a compliment."

"Harry?" Luna said in a sing song voice as everyone was chuckling about Sirius's comment

"Yes Tic?" Harry said using the nickname for Luna.

"I'm curious. What are you and Jack hoping for; a little wizard or a little witch?" Luna asked sweetly.

Luna's comment was more efficient than the sound of a key in a lock for two horny teens or for a cheating spouse when the other shouts 'Honey I'm home!"

Harry stared at Luna in confusion, "Huh?" while Sirius and Remus looked at both Jack and him with a mixture of hope, confusion and dread.

"Please. Please tell me use you used a contraceptive spell," Sirius moaned. "I'm too young to be a grand-godfather."

"What are you three talking about," Harry demanded as he looked back and forth between Remus, Sirius and Luna. "Jack and I are men and men can't have babies." Harry looked at his family in confusion as they stared back at him with wide eyes at his last comment. "Can they?"

Jack pushed his plate away from him and banged his head against the table. "Somewhere there is someone laughing their ass off about this and when I find them I'm going to zat them in their ass. Three times."

"Oh come on, Jack," Lou said as he patted the Colonel, "just imagine the General's reaction when you tell him 'I'm sorry 'Wrap it or forget It' was not an opinion. Or better yet Kinsey's face."

Sirius barely acknowledged the mumbling from Colonel or Major Ferretti's smart-ass comment. "Harry you did have sex ed. during your second year at Hogwarts, didn't you?" he demanded.

"That was the year I had to kill a 50 foot long Basilisk. Nearly Headless Nick, Mrs. Norris and a handful of students being turned to stone and everyone was calling me Slytherin's heir and blaming me for everything going on. So no I didn't have sex ed., Sirius," Harry growled.

Jack turned his head so that he could look up at Harry while he rested his head on the table. "Turned to stone?" he asked.

Harry nodded his head. "Yeah but we were able to turn them all back in the end."

"Sex ed. wasn't reinstated into Hogwarts until my 7th year," Luna supplied. "It was decided just before Harry began Hogwarts that the parents or guardian should be the one to explain everything, not to have the professors do it."

Sirius stared at Harry with a blank look on his face. "I have to explain the facts of life to my godson," he babbled to himself while Remus patted him gently on the back.

"Sounds more like a set up to me," Lou commented.

"Sound pretty much like the rest of my life," Harry commented in disgust.

"That's not possible," Carter mumbled to herself but it was loud enough for everyone else to hear.

Hearing Carter's words of denial, Sirius snapped out of self-induced nightmare concerning _The Talk_. "What's not possible? You mean a snake turning people into stone?"

"No… I mean yes that's not possible but I was talking about male pregnancy. It's impossible for a man to become pregnant. Men lack… the right equipment to be able to carry a child let along give birth to one," Carter stated with conviction.

"My grandfather Samuel said it was a real pain in the ass to give birth to my father," Luna supplied with a smile.

Almost as one a shudder ran through the men of SGC and Harry as the picture of **how** Luna's father was delivered ran through their minds.

"I don't see how that is possible," Carter snapped in frustration. "How could a man become pregnant?"

"You see sometimes when two people meet they fall in love. When that happens they'll go off to someplace private and spent time…."

"Tic," Harry said with a wearily sigh. "Not at the breakfast table."

"But Harry Major Carter asked me about where babies came from," Luna replied.

"Yes I know Tic," Harry sighed. "Just not at the table, please."

"At least she didn't offer to give a demo this time," Sirius mumbled to himself.

Luna clapped her hands together with glee. "Oh what a wonderful idea, Sirius," she squealed. "It's been ages since Neville and me had a threesome, not since the last time we made love in his greenhouse and

****

Shokushu

bouji **shokubutsu** joined in."

"What's what she said?" Jack asked as he noticed Harry pushed his plate away and started to bang his head against the table.

"It's Japanese," Daniel explained. "**shokubutsu means plant and I think **bouji means one's dead child."

"**Shokushu** bouji **shokubutsu means tentacle sex plant," Lou said as he stared at Luna who was wearing a smile similar to one might find on a cat that just ate the family's pet bird.**

Jack looked at Lou for a moment then at Luna who smiled in return. "Right," Jack said to the room as if to dismiss the subject before turning back to Sirius and Remus. "You were explain Harry's lack of sex education and how either Harry or I could be pregnant."

"That's way too much information for me about my godson's bedroom activities," Sirius stated with slightly widened eyes.

"Well it would have been nice if you had warned us about what the bond would demand from us," Harry snapped.

"None of that matters right now," Jack directed this comment to Harry. "What matters is finding out if one of us is... is pregnant." The last two words left O'Neill's mouth with a sense of dread behind them.

"That's fairly easy," Sirius said as his wand appeared in his hand. "I still remember the spell for it. James was always too nervous to do us it on Lily when they were trying to have Harry."

"So the spell works on women too?" Daniel asked.

"Men, women, farm animals," Sirius said with a chuckle before Remus smacked him across the back of the head.

"Your sense of humor isn't helping," Remus chastised as he struggled to keep his smile from appearing.

"How could this spell determine if Harry or the Colonel is pregnant so soon," Carter asked. "It takes a few days for hormones to build up in the body before standard pregnancies test work."

"We're not testing for hormones but for a magical presence," Remus explained. "Every birth in the wizard world has a magical presence even squibs who have almost no magic at all."

"But Jack isn't a wizard." Daniel pointed out. "So can the spell still work on him?"

Remus shrugged his shoulders. "In all likelihood Jack is a squib, perhaps even a Muggle born wizard whose parent won't allow him to go to Salem."

"I'm a wizard?" Jack asked.

"More likely a squib," Remus stated with an almost apologetic look. "It's possible that you're from a line of squibs. But that is something we can research later."

"And a squid is," Jack wanted to know, "beside being the main ingredient in calamari?"

Harry chucked. "Squib not squid. A squib is a non-magical or extremely low level magical child born to magical parents."

"My parents weren't magical," Jack commented. "Just normal everyday people."

"They could be from a line of squibs," Sirius suggested. "If you are from a line of squibs I wouldn't be surprise to find out that your line originally was apprenticed out to someone who knew of the magic world or was a squib themselves. I know before Christianity took over, squibs were often placed with the Druids, who would find a place for the children."

"Just think Jack if you hadn't joined the Air Force you could've end up having dancing naked outside several times a year and worshipping trees," Lou said teasingly.

"It would explain your interest in the stars and planets too," Daniel said adding his own friendly ribbing. "It might be a good idea to visit Stonehenge and see if you can release you're inner Druid, Jack."

Turning to Harry, Jack said, "Remind me to get a staff I need to it to whack some people across the head with it."

"Actual that won't be a bad idea," Remus suggested. "You might want to see if Jack can use magic, Harry."

Jack turned at glared at Remus. "But you just said I was a squib and I didn't have magic."

"No he said you might be a squib," Sirius chimed in, "but you could also be a wizard who just didn't go to school."

"Jack wielding magic, now that's a scary thought," Lou eyed his friend cautiously.

"I don't want to think how many cases of Tums Walter would have to order if that was true," Carter commented.

"692," Luna said with a knowing smile. "Of course that's after he's told about the baby."

Jack closed his eyes and exhaled through his nose slowly. Opening his eyes once again he fixed them on Sirius. "Now this spell you mentioned?"

"Oh yeah… umm Harry stand up and move over there," Sirius said as he waved in a direction away from the breakfast table

"Why me?" Harry sputtered. "I mean should Jack go first?"

"And who was the one who didn't use a contraceptive spell?" Sirius replied as he pointed once again at the spot it indicated earlier.

"It's not my fault they didn't teach sex education," Harry grumbled as he pushed himself away from the table and stumped over to the spot Sirius wanted him at. "So now what?"

"_Vita ostendo sum_, " Sirius said as he flicked his wand.

A soft white glow encompassed Harry's before fading away to nothing.

"Congratulation Harry," Sirius said with a smile as all the blood ran out of Harry's face at his godfather's words. "You're **not** pregnant."

If a glare could kill Sirius would be a dead man many times over from the looks he was receiving from Jack, Harry and even Remus.

"That wasn't funny Sirius," Harry growled.

"I thought it was," Sirius replied with his most charming of smile.

"If Harry was pregnant what would the spell have done?" Carter asked.

"You're next Jack," Sirius told the Colonel before answering Carter's question. "A blue glow would appear."

Pointing his wand at Jack, Sirius once again said, "_Vita ostendo sum_."

A soft glow encompassed Jack, the color of which was…

* * *

Post Author Notes: The translation of Vita ostendo sum is Life revealed or at least I hope it is. I used an on-line translation so hopefully it's pretty close to being proper Latin.

Book of Taliesin

- a collection of some of the oldest poems in Welsh, many of them attributed to the poet Taliesin (from Wikipedia)

The Fiend Folio Tome

- one of the books that can be used in fantasy role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons

Everyone looks at Lou in amazement; Lou just shrugged his shoulder in return. "I like anime."


	10. 692 Cases Of Tums On The Shelf

**Title:** 692 Cases Of Tums On The Shelf. How Long Do You Think They Will Last?

**Author:** Lady FoxFire

**Pairing(s):** Jack/Harry

**Rating:** M

**Warning:** Slash

**Category(s):** Crossover

**Summary:** Stargate SG-1/Harry Potter - Sometime in life you have to do the one thing you absolutely dread to get the one thing you absolutely need or want, so you can do the one thing you have to do. And sometime people get sucked in to it. Post Hogwarts, Slash

**Disclaimer:** A handsome man walked onto the stage. "Bow down to your God," the man said as his eyes glowed. "This writer amuses me therefore you will not trouble her in any fashion. Know this human the Harry Potter universe and the StarGate SG-1 universe now belong to me. Any who disagree with me will be punish."

**Bad Author Notes:** Life is a cruel thing. I was steam rolling through the fics that I need to write and then I get sick. Damn headaches. And instead of a 2-3 months return around its 6 months. It is my hope to be about to return to my 2-3 months turn around.

* * *

_A soft glow encompassed Jack, the color of which was…._

"Oh for crying out loud," Jack moaned as he looked at the blue glow that encompassed him.

"I guess this means you're Mister Mom," Lou chimed in as everyone stared at the Colonel, "or is it Colonel Mom?"

Harry turned and glared at Sirius and Remus. "Alright. That is enough," Harry snarled like an angry dog protecting its mate. "Your prank has gone too far. **End it now**."

Both of the Marauders stared at Harry in confusion before Remus said softly, "Harry it's not a prank. Honest. We're not pulling a prank on either one of you."

Harry shook his head. "Men can't become pregnant," He snapped. "Now I know your prank was in all good fun but it's no longer funny. So just admit it and end the prank."

"Harry," Tic in a calming tone of voice, "They're telling the truth. Your mate really is carrying your child."

Harry looked at Tic, who smiled reassuringly at him. He then turned towards Remus and Sirius, both of who nodded their heads. Finally Harry turned to a pale Jack who at sometime during Harry's rant had taken a seat beside him. "Oh," Harry whispered as his eyes rolled up and he slid under the table.

Everyone looked at the spot where Harry had vanished.

After a moment Sirius said with a smirk, "Well I think he took that well enough."

Remus nodded his head in agreement. "James did the same thing when he learned that Lily was pregnant," Remus supplied.

A mischievous grin appeared on Sirius's face. "Remember what we did?"

Remus chuckled evilly. "Yeah. Lily thought it was the funniest thing. I wonder where she hid the photo."

Sirius nodded his head. "Major Carter, Tic. Would either of you ladies have any make-up we could borrow?"

Luna set down her teacup as she turned her attention to Sirius. "Do either of you remember what happened the **last** time you tried to prank, Harry?" she asked. "And do I have to mention that you have already tried the make-up prank with Harry. I was under the assumption that Marauders hated to repeat a prank."

"She's right. We've already dressed Harry up in drag," Remus stated with a sigh.

"When did we do that? I don't remember it," Sirius' brow furrowed as he tried to remember.

"It was when Harry completed his last year at Hogwarts. We decided to celebrate with a couple drinks or twenty," Remus said. "Harry woke up first."

Sirius blinked owlishly for a moment. "So that's why we found ourselves in those French Maids outfits?"

Remus nodded his head as he closed his eyes so that he would not be forced to see everyone's faces as they pictured the scene in their head.

"I'm sorry while this is all amusing I think you should end this… scam or whatever it is that you're playing," Carter said with a shake of her head. "It's physically impossible for a man to become pregnant. They lack the basic requirement for them to carry a child."

"You're right, it is impossible for a man to physically become pregnant," Sirius said with a nod of his head. "However you need to accept that Jack is pregnant with Harry's child."

Carter sputtered in outrage. "But you just said that it is **impossible** for the Colonel to be pregnant! And then turn around and insist that he is pregnant."

The two wizards and solo witch at the table all stared at Major Carter as if she were a willful child who won't take 'no' for an answer. "That's because he is," Sirius replied.

"But you just said that it was impossible for Jack to be pregnant," Daniel pointed out.

"No. Sirius said it was impossible for a man to become **physically** pregnant," Tic said with an odd smile on her face.

"I'm magically pregnant," Jack spoke for the first time since learning he was with child.

"Ok," Lou said loudly drawing everyone attentions before anyone could start arguing over what was the difference between a physical and a magical pregnancy. "I have two questions for you guys."

"And they are?" Tic said almost smugly as if she knew what his questions would be.

"First what is the difference between a physical pregnancy and a magical one?" Lou asked as he held up one finger subconsciously reminding people that there was more than one question. Adding the second finger he said, "And second how does the baby come out?"

"Belly button," The three magic beings said together as Harry still lay under the table unconscious.

Almost as one the members of SGC except for Teal'c looked down at their stomachs.

With a shrug of his shoulders, Lou said to himself, "Always wondered what they were for."

"So how am I magically pregnant instead of pregnant? So what exactly does that mean? I mean what is the difference and what should I expect?" Jack asked calmly but those who know Jack could tell he was nervous and a bit scared.

Sirius and Remus looked at Jack for a moment before looking at each other and then as one they turned to Tic who simply ate her breakfast.

"Tic," Remus asked in an almost whiny begging tone. "Could you explain it to them?"

Like a proper lady, Tic set her silverware down next to her plate and patted her mouth off before letting out a huge burp.

"Good one!" Remus cheered.

Sirius shrugged his shoulders. "I can do better." He mumbled to himself, to which Remus rolled his eyes.

Ignoring the two immature wizards, Tic turned her attention to the Colonel. "The initial difference is that instead of growing in a womb the baby grows inside your magic."

"So magic has a physical presence inside the Colonel?" Carter asked tentivally.

"No. While magic is a part of us it is more a part of the 5th dimension rather than the 4 dimensions we are more familiar with," Tic explained.

"Height, length, and depth," Daniel mumbled, "and time?"

Luna nodded her head. "Or space but then again they are the same thing so it really doesn't matter if you call it time or space."

"How can time and space be the same thing?" Carter asked, as her scientific interest was peaked.

"Ahhhh," O'Neill snapped. "We're dealing with my pregnancy first. You can talk about space and time later." Turning his attention to Tic, Jack fixed her with a steal look. "Explain. In simple terms."

With a nod of her head, she quickly started to explain. "Image that the baby is a balloon floating in the sky of magic. Now you hold the string to that balloon and ground it to world we know. As the balloon gets bigger so does the string and in turn it will show up as physical changes in you."

"What type of changes?' Jack growled.

"The appearance of a baby belly like that on a woman however after the baby is born it vanishes like it never existed," Luna explained. "On rare occasion some men even grow breasts however that's believed to be result of pregnancy sympathy since they were around pregnant women at the time."

Daniel raised his hand tentatively. "Will Jack suffer through mood swings and cravings?"

Luna nodded her head.

"Perhaps I will visit Chulak for a time," Teal'c said softly.

A groan from under the table signaled Harry's return to the land of consciousness.

Ducking his head under the table Sirius asked cheerfully. "Have a good nap sport?"

After a moment Sirius commented, "I'm pretty sure that's how you ended up in this mess," to some unknown hand gesture done by Harry.

Crawling out from under the table, Harry looked around at those gathered at the table. "Please tell me it was a dream," he demanded.

"Wish I could," Jack replied before taking a drink from his glass.

"Fuck!" Harry exclaimed as he sat down heavily next to Jack. Harry ran his hand through his hair. "Ok I guess the first order of business is to contact Greldrick and have her check Jack out," Harry said more to himself than to those at the table.

"Gelick?" Jack said screwing up the name is his typical manner.

"It's Greldrick," Tic corrected, "or Rick for short."

Seeing confused looks, Harry put in, "She's a goblin healer who takes care of us when needed."

"Why not a wizard healer? I assume you have them," Daniel inquired.

"Because you can't trust most of them," Harry explained. "Wizards healers don't believe in doctor/patient confidentiality so they have no problem going to the press and spilling your secrets."

"And then the press turns around and makes it more or less serious than it is," Sirius chimed in. "Right after 7th year Harry when to a healer about an ingrown toenail on his big toe and by the time the press was done with it the doctor had saved Harry's foot after he had been injured in a battle against 20 Death eaters."

"Can't you sue for slander?" Daniel asked eyes slightly wide at how this new culture worked.

Remus shook his head. "There's no laws about that in the wizard community," he explained. "You have to understand that wizards and witches understand only 4 things. Money, power, bloodlines and those willing to use either one to get what they want."

"Harry has 3 of those but he's not ruthless enough to use them on anyone unless that person is hurting someone he cares for," Tic chimed in. "Given he won't punish the Two Head Beaver and the Walking Vacuum for what they did to him."

"Two Head Beaver?" Harry asked in confusion

"Hermione," Tic said simply with an all-knowing smile. "She does have bushy hair."

"And the Walking Vacuum?" Carter asked wearily.

"Ron," the magical people at the table answered all at once.

"If you ever meet the boy you will understand," Remus explained. "The boy eats like he's starving and his mind is as empty as space."

"He eats worse than that, Remus," Sirius said. "When I escaped I never ate like that. It hurt too much."

"So we need Greldrick to check Jack over. Need talk to Bloodblade about my account and make sure Jack and the baby are added to it, so that if anything happens they're covered," Harry said as he mentally checked things off of his list.

"I don't need your money," Jack stated. "I'm more that capable of taking care of myself and our child… and I can't believe I just said that."

Harry sighed as he looked at Jack in frustration. "It's not about needing the money, Jack," he explained. "It's about its about duty and the responsibility that the Potter line has born for generations. The Potter's have been the guardians of some of the most powerful and dangerous items that have ever existed."

"What type of things," Carter asked as her scientific curiosity was once again peaked.

"She wondering if some of the items might be from those who came before," Luna chimed in.

Harry shook his head. "I don't know exactly and honestly I **don't** want to know. Most of the items come with warnings that say not to touch and I learned a very long time ago to obey those warnings."

"I wish other people did," Jack mumbled softly under his breath.

"I heard that, Jack," Daniel growled. "And I seem to remember someone else having the same problem."

Jack nodded his head. "True but I figure I would be nice and not point out Carter's problems."

Carter smiled sweetly. "Thank you sir. That's very kind of you. I'll be sure to remember it when I'm helping Janet with your pregnancy."

Jack paled. "Ahhh… I'm sure that Geld... Grild… Rick won't need the help. Right Harry?"

Harry looked at his bonded then at Carter and then back at Jack. "Umm… I pretty sure that Greldrick won't mind the help of another healer. I believe she has an interest in Muggle healing but since no wizard would soil themselves becoming a doctor she hasn't been able to do anything about it."

Jack turned and looked at Harry in shock and betrayal.

Harry simply shrugged his shoulders. "I may be a powerful wizard but I even know better than to stand in the way of a pissed off woman."

"And that brings up another problem, is Jack going to be allowed to return to base?" Lou asked.

"Of course he is," Luna replied before Harry or any of the others could comment. "If he remains here then he will die along with the babies."

The three wizards looked at each other in defeat.

"Will they be safe if they return to their base, Tic?" Remus asked.

Luna smiled. "Of course they will be Moony. Especially after we convince General Hammond why he should allow the Goblin Nation to add wards around the mountain. And if someone does come after them Jack can always escape through the Stargate or with Thor."

"What's a Stargate?" Sirius asked wearily.

"It's the same thing as Chappa'i," Luna answered.

Running his hand through his hair in frustration, Sirius dared to ask, "And what is a Chappa'i?"

"The same thing as a Stargate," Luna replied.

"We could use her on the Appropriations Board," Jack said with a shake of his head.

"Hell I rather see her go up against Kinsey," Lou commented.

"I'm sorry I can't," Luna said hearing Lou's comment. "I refuse to match wits with someone who is mentally and emotionally disabled."

The members of SGC snorted and chuckled softly even the corners of Teal'c mouth curled up slightly at Tic's words while the wizards just shrugged off her comments.

"I am curious, how do you plan on explaining the changes that have occurred to O'Neill?" Teal'c asked. "From my experience with the people of Earth, they will not simply ignore the changes that have occurred. They will demand answers to their questions. There will be some who will be particularly interested in the return of O'Neill youth and his unborn child."

Daniel nodded his head. "He's right," he said. "I can think of a number of people just off the top of my head who would do anything to get Jack into their clutches."

Harry chewed on his bottom lip. "I had figured on using a glamour on Jack so that he looks like he used to but that hid the pregnancy."

Jack cross his arms over his chest. "But that won't explain why I can't go on missions anymore."

"We prank them," Sirius said simply as if it was the answer to all their questions.

Everyone looked at Sirius with a range of expressions on their faces from confusion to doom.

"I know I'm going to regret this but how are we going to prank them," Sam said as she cringed.

A blush appeared on Sirius's cheeks. "Well I'm not exactly sure yet. I mean maybe we could say that we're," Sirius waved his hand to include the magical people at the table, "that we're aliens and that Jack was selected to bearer the heir of Prince Harry."

Jack rested his head in one hand as he slowly shook it.

"What? I mean it could work. I could go as a bodyguard or something. I mean it's not like I can do much with a price still on my head, at least this way I can protect my great-godchild," Sirius replied slightly defensively.

"That idea will never work," Carter stated. "You have an alien species that kidnapped the Colonel from the base and forcefully impregnated him. And then you send him back to Earth until he's ready to give birth with a bodyguard."

"We could claim that they want Jack to act as an ambassador for them like Thor does," Daniel suggested.

"Won't be the first time someone been kidnapped and married off," Lou commented as he eyed Daniel.

Daniel shot Lou a look that promised revenge. "But I wasn't the one who ended up pregnant."

"At least Jack wasn't impregnated by a Face-hugger," Luna added in.

Jack pointed a finger at Tic. "That is one idea I don't want to even considers. Having a baby come out my belly button is bad enough I don't need the image of it bursting out of by chest."

"Do you ever get the feeling we're missing something?" Sirius asked as he looked back and forth between Jack and Luna.

"Every day but then I remember that if I ask she might explain it to me," Remus replied. "I figure it's better to be slightly confused than totally lost."

Sirius nodded his head. "Good point."

"Why this is all very interesting it doesn't help us," Major Carter stated in a disapproving tone. "There will be a number of people who will consider what happened to the Colonel as a threat against the security of the Earth. They will treat you as hostile aliens."

"We could claim that what happened was against the will of both Jack and Harry. We could say that the High Priestess of Nyuk Nyuk in order to form a stronger bond between our two worlds made it so that Jack was with child," Tic said.

This time it was Luna's turn to be stared at.

"You're a Three Stooges fan aren't you," Jack comment.

"Why certainly," Luna said in a passable imitation.

Jack shook his head. "It won't work. I would be better off retiring and hiding at my cabin."

"You would be too vulnerable in Minnesota," Luna said, as she seemed to pull the location of Jack's cabin from thin air. "Beside we're not trying to fool anyone, just give them an excuse."

"Could you explain that to me in English," Jack said.

"It's quiet simple. General Hammond, Dr Fraiser, the President of the United State and Great Shaman of the United Wizard are really the only ones who need to know about the bond and Jack's condition. Anyone else could be simply told that it is classified. And if they cause any problems then I hear Antarctica is lovely during the summer."

Sirius raised his hand.

With a weary sigh, Luna said, "Yes Sirius?"

"Can I still go and act as the alien bodyguard?" he said like a child filled with sugar and caffeine.

"You'll have to ask Harry that," Luna replied.

Sirius turned to Harry and gave him the biggest saddest puppy dog eyes he could. "Please," he whined.

"Are you going to chew up my boots again if I say no?" Harry asked with a sigh.

An evil smile appeared on Sirius's face. "Probably."

"Then yeah. You can go," Harry replied.

"What make you think we want him," Jack said as he eyed Sirius wearily.

"Trust me, when it comes to Sirius it's better to know where he's at and what he's doing then to wonder what he's up to," Remus commented.

"How many cases of Tums did you say the General would need," Lou asked Tic as he eyed Sirius with dread.

"692," she replied.

"Are you sure that's going to be enough?"

~*~

"Welcome to my home, Archiater Greldrick and Warrior Bloodblade," Harry said as he bowed to the strangest set of beings the members of SGC had ever encountered.

The one Harry addressed as Archiater Greldrick was slightly smaller than the being that had to be Warrior Bloodblade but aside from the slight size different it was nearly impossible to tell which was male and which was female. Both of the beings were about 3 and a half feet tall with dark skin, bald heads and pointed noses and ears.

"You honor us by allowing us into your home, Warrior Potter," Bloodblade said as he and other goblin bowed in return.

A smile appeared on Harry's face, "So how life treating you, old friend."

"About the same as usual," Bloodblade replied with a shrug of his shoulders.

"Sorry to hear that," Harry replied. "So who is it you want to eviscerate this time?"

"Another Ministry toad," Bloodblade replied in a bored tone. "I believe his name was Percy Weatherby or was it Weasley?"

"I'm not sure if he knows either," Harry replied with a chuckle.

Bloodblade chuckled. "I wouldn't be surprised. The majority of the purebloods are severely lacking in intelligence. Some days I feel like I'm taking care of wizard children instead of adults."

"You're not the only one," Greldrick growled as she ran a professional eye over Harry's form. "I want to know exactly what you did and why I wasn't summoned."

"It's Remus's fault," Harry blurted out in his defense as he took a step back from the angry female goblin.

"I highly doubt that," she snarled as she took a step forward, insuring that Harry remained within arm's length in case she had to grab him to keep him from escaping her 'tender' care. "After all Remus is the responsible one."

Sirius' snicker in the background drew Greldrick's attention to him. "I wouldn't be at all surprised if it wasn't the fault of that one."

"Hey I had nothing to do with it," Sirius said in his own defense. "I know better than to try to translate some spell from ancient Sumerian."

"It's was Ancient Egyptian, Sirius," Remus corrected. "And it was a ritual not a spell."

Realizing what he just said Remus let out a groan. Harry and Sirius shot each other a smile knowing that Remus had tripped himself up correcting his old friend and therefore would have to face the wrath of Greldrick by himself.

"And what exactly was this ritual," Greldrick growled as she bared her sharp pointed teeth at the wizard.

"Umm. It was to find Harry's bondmate," Remus squeaked and backed away from the angry female.

"And who is Harry's Bondmate," she demanded.

Jack raised a hand into the air. "That would be me, madam."

Greldrick looked over at Jack with a professional eye. "Didn't use a contraceptive spell?"

"Didn't know I needed one," Harry said meekly.

Greldrick turned and looked at Harry with a look in her eyes that would send many brave goblin warriors reaching for their weapons while praying to their Gods that they might die quickly.

Luna spoke up, saving Harry from the wrath of the goblin healer, "Dumbledore discontinued sex education for all students while Harry was a student. He only reinstated it after Harry had finished his 7th year."

"And why would he do that," Greldrick demanded as she turned to Luna for answers.

"What does he do any of the things he does?" Luna countered with a shrug of her shoulders.

Greldrick snorted before turning back to face O'Neill. "You," she snapped as she pointed at Jack, "follow me." And with that she turned around and started walking to the door.

"Madam," Carter said as she stepped forward. "May I please accompany the Colonel and sit in during his examination?"

Greldrick looked up at the blond human. "And who is the Colonel."

"That would be me," Jack said as he raised one hand up slightly.

Greldrick sighed as she shook her head. "Very well human you can assist me," she said as she turned to Carter.

"Thank you madam," Carter replied.

Before Greldrick left the room with Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter in tow, she stopped and turned to face Harry. " Harry James Potter. I suggest that whatever you did in this life or in a previous life to get you in this situation that you do **not** repeat it." And with that she left the room.

"I'm so dead," Harry moaned as he stared at the door the healer had just disappeared through.

"Why do you say that?" Daniel asked absentmindedly as he stared at the doorway his friends had just disappeared through.

Harry turned and looked at Dr Jackson. "Because she used my full name."

Daniel looked at Harry in confusion so a moment before his mind finally realized the significance of the use of the full name. "You're right. You are a dead man."

"She reminded me a bit of Dr Fraiser," Lou commented.

Harry looked at Ferretti with a curious look as he said, "The red haired doctor?"

"Yep," Lou nodded his head.

A thoughtful look appeared on Harry's face as he said, "She's nicer than Greldrick. Greldrick is plain evil,"

"You do realize that Greldrick is my sister," Bloodblade stated with narrowed eyes.

Harry squeezed his eyes shut as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "No," he replied in a voice that squeaked a little.

"Good," Bloodblade replied with a grin full of sharp pointed teeth. "I would be upset if you were complementing her to get in my good graces."

"So being called evil is a complement to the people of your race?" Daniel asked as his thirst for knowledge made its appearance.

"It depends on what their chosen path is," Bloodblade replied. "For a healer to be called evil is a complement but to a goldsmith it is an insult. It is saying that their work is not worth the gold it is made of. To ones such as myself to be called evil is to say I am not doing the best I could do and that I need to work harder."

"And what is your chosen path, Warrior Bloodblade?" Teal'c asked.

"The account manager for the Potter line," Bloodblade replied smugly.

"A banker?" Lou blurted out.

Bloodblade shook his head. "No. Bankers are lower than the slime that grows on dragon dung. I am an account manager."

"I mean no insult Warrior Bloodblade," Daniel said carefully, "but what exactly is an account manager. In our society an account manger would be considered to be a banker."

"In my society a banker is the lowest of the low. They are the ones who muck out the dragon stalls and scrub the floors of Gringotts," Bloodblade explained. "Account Mangers are the third highest in rank, only ranking a little lower than a Bank Manger and of course Lord Gold. Our duty is to preserve and protect our people and those who place their lines under our protection like the Potter line has."

"So you guys are a bit like Samurai," Lou commented.

"Not quite. Samurai allows their honor to rule them even to the point of killing themselves to cleanse their honor. For a goblin to take their own life is a grave insult to their kin. It is like saying that the care and effort their family spent on them was below par so that they felt that they are an insult to the goblin nation and that their family are too blind to correct the problem themselves," the goblin explained.

"So more like the knights of old. You know King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?" Lou suggested.

Bloodblade snorted. "Hardly! Goblins do not help the helpless or foolish, we take advantage of them. I think the closest thing in human world would be a Sith Lord without the dark side and disdain for intelligent life after all a dead intelligent being doesn't make money."

Those familiar with Star Wars and exactly what a Sith Lord was looked at Bloodblade with wide eyes.

"What's a Sith Lord," Sirius asked innocently as he took in the Muggles' expressions.

"Perhaps now would be a good time to go over our business," Harry suggested as he tried not to smirk at everyone's expression.

"Of course," Bloodblade said with a knowing smirk.

"Could someone explain what a Sith Lord is?" Sirius whined.

~*~

Having leaded them into an empty bedroom, Greldrick turned to Jack and said. "Lay down," she snapped as she pointed towards the bed.

"Don't you need me to get undressed?" Jack wearily as he lay down on the bed.

"Only if you wish to embarrass yourself," Greldrick commented as she raised a glowing hand above Jack's body and slowly worked her way down the length of it.

"What are you doing," Carter asked as she watched what Greldrick was doing.

"I'm examining him," Greldrick replied as she concentrated on her patient.

Carter's brow furrowed. "With magic," she stated her disbelief evident in her tone of voice.

"Of course," Greldrick replied, "How else would I do it?"

"By physically examining him. Taking blood samples, pulse rate, blood pressure," Carter rattled off.

"All of which are inefficient," Greldrick countered. "Magic can tell me much more than what your tests could or even what the patient themselves tell me. For example my magic has informed me that Lord Potter's new bondmate is actual much older than he appears."

"Well I won't say much older," Jack commented from where he lay. "And did you say Lord Potter?"

"Yes I did," Greldrick replied. "I'm assuming the change in your age is do to your bond and not some illegal potion or dark virginal human sacrificial ritual."

Colonel O'Neill stared up at the goblin with wide eyes. He opened his mouth. Closed it. Opened it.

"We believe it's a side effect of the Colonel and Lord Potter completing the bond," Carter said with a slight smile.

"Do you know what ritual they used?" Greldrick asked.

"No ma'am. But Lord Potter did insist that he 'summoned' the Colonel," Carter supplied.

Greldrick made a noise as if dismissing it as if unimportant. "Can you explain your multiple deaths Lord O'Neill-Potter?"

Jack narrowed his eyes as he sat up in bed. "My name is Colonel Jack O'Neill, ma'am. And my so called multiple deaths is a classified matter."

Greldrick's lips curled back into a snarl displaying a set of teeth a shark would be envious of. "And I don't care if it's classified or not. My duty is to you and your unborn children no matter how pig headed you are human."

"Did you say children?" Carter sputtered.

"Yes."

"I'm going to have more than one kid," Jack said with a dazed look in his eyes as one of his hands rested on his stomach.

"More than likely," Greldrick explained. "The high level of magic with your pregnancy seems to indicate a strong possibility for multiple children."

"But you're not sure," Carter said.

"No. I'm not. It could be one very powerful magical child, 2 very strong magical children, 3 magically average children or 4 low-level children," Greldrick explained.

"Four!"

"I will admit that 4 children are highly unlikely. I, honestly expect it to be twins," Greldrick explained. "However I will admit there is a possibility of multiple children with varying magic levels."

"I don't feel so good," Jack said as he lay back down.

~*~

Archiater - Ancient Greek for court healer


	11. Please Let Me Kill Them

**Title:** Please Let Me Kill Them

**Author:** Lady FoxFire

**Pairing(s):** Jack/Harry

**Rating:** M

**Warning:** Slash

**Category(s):** Crossover

**Summary:** Stargate SG-1/Harry Potter - Sometime in life you have to do the one thing you absolutely dread to get the one thing you absolutely need or want, so you can do the one thing you have to do. And sometime people get sucked in to it. Post Hogwarts, Slash

**Disclaimer:** Willy E. Coyote walked on stage. He stops in the middle of the stage and looked out upon the audience. He suddenly holds up a sign that says 'The author of this fic', the sign spun around to reveal 'does not own'. The sign spun again. 'The Harry Potter series.' It spun once again. "Or." The sign spun "The Stargate SG-1 series." The sign spun once more and then in tiny print it say, 'Nor does the author make any money off of this story." The sign in Willy's hand disappears just as it had appeared. Suddenly a high pitched whistle filled the air as a shadow suddenly cover the coyote. Willy looked up to see a 20-ton anvil heading for him. Willy looked at the audience once again and held up a sign, 'Why me?'

**Bad Author Notes:** Ok first off let me apologize for not update for a while. I actual had this chapter done for a while and sitting for a month on my computer after my editor sent it back to me. It's just that real life had been sucking everything out of me. Some days I can write, some days I peek at the keyboard and then other days I just give up. I'm hoping I can snap out of this soon or I swear I'll go nuts.

* * *

One fact that General Hammond could attest to as he reviewed and signed off on another supply request was that the amount of paperwork one had to fill out increased exponentially to one's rank.

As he dropped the signed request form into his outbox, he paused at the sound of a muffled voice nearby. Rising from his chair, Hammond walked to his office door and opened it.

"Sir?" Hammond's assistant asked as he looked up from his paper.

Hammond looked around the empty room then back at his office. With a shake of his head, he said, "It's nothing. Just tired." And with that Hammond closed his office door once again.

Sitting at this desk once again, Hammond started to read the next form only to pause when the muffled voice returned. With narrowed eyes and furrowed brow Hammond looked around his office for the source of the sound.

It didn't take long for General Hammond to locate the source of the voice, the middle drawer on the left hand side of his desk. He had put the small mirror Harry Potter had give him the day before there.

Opening the drawer, Hammond pulled the mirror out and found he was looking at Dr Jacksons image instead of his own.

"Dr Jackson?" General Hammond propped the mirror up against a stack of paper.

"Good afternoon, sir or I guess in your case it's good morning," Daniel Jackson said nervously.

"Is **_everything_ alright?" Hammond tried to stress the fact that he wanted to know if Dr Jackson could speak safely without fear for himself or the other members of SGC.**

Daniel nodded his head. "Everythings alright, sir, well not exactly Sir are you some place where no one can overhear us?"

Hammond blinked in surprise that Jackson was concerned that **he** might not be able to talk freely. "I'm in my office. Alone."

Daniel licked his lips nervously. "Well I have some good news and some not so good news."

"Son," Hammond said warningly.

Daniel smiled weakly. "Right. The good news is that there is more than one intelligent species on Earth. We were able to meet a race that known by the locals as Goblins. They seem to be a very honorable warrior race that is currently living in peace with this secret society. From what I understand they do business with the rest of the world through the use of human employees. Interesting enough they're in the banking industry but they're not bankers. The term banker is actually an insult to them. And they consider being called evil a compliment."

Hammond blinked a couple times as he tried to sort out the information that Dr Jackson was spouting at him. "I'll expect a report on that when you return," Hammond stated as usual when the things that Dr Jackson and Major Carter were saying became more than he could understand at the moment.

"Of course, sir," Daniel replied happily. "I'm hoping that the Goblin Nation will allow someone to visit their cities and learn about their race."

Hammond nodded his head. "I'll take that into consideration, Dr Jackson."

"Right," Daniel said with a smile. "In addition it turns out that Harry has a number of texts in the Ancient language. Harry's already promised me that I could borrow some. It's also possible that he has some of the Ancient technology in his vault, which the Goblins are guarding. It seem that his ancestors were collectors of dangerous items."

Daniel seemed to vibrate with excitement, not letting the General get a word in edgewise. "Warrior Bloodblade, Harry's account manager, said that the Goblin Nation has been collecting Egyptian artifacts for centuries. He thinks I might be allowed to view some of their smaller pieces when I visit Harry's vault."

Hammond opened his mouth once again to make a comment but Daniel said excitedly, "From what I've been told there are a series of wizards tombs that the rest of the world has no knowledge of and these are the ones that the Goblins and Potter line have been collecting the artifacts from."

"To what end?" Hammond asked as he considered the ramifications of Ancient technology in the hands of another government on Earth.

Daniel stared at the General in surprise. "I I'm assuming to protect them," he said thoughtfully. "Perhaps they have some knowledge of the Gou'alds and wish to make sure they never arise again. I wonder if Bloodblade could arrange for me to meet a Goblin historian or perhaps their Egyptologists?"

General Hammond sighed realizing he needed to get Dr Jackson back to the more important matter of Colonel O'Neill. "Dr Jackson," he said before the younger man could become lost once again in his thoughts. "What about Colonel O'Neill? Was the bond successful? Is the Colonel alright?"

Daniel blinked owlishly a couple of times. "Well," he said as he licked his lips nervously, "the bonding was a success but there was a few side effects."

"What kind of side effects," Hammond growled.

"From the way Sirius and Remus explained it," Daniel said, "because Jack was older than Harry and Harry was not as healthy as he should have been; the magic of the bond made some adjustments."

"What kind of adjustments?" Hammond snarled as he glared at the young man.

"Ahhh well Harry is now how he should have been if he hadn't been starved and abused as a child. And Jack ah looks like he's in his mid-twenties," Daniel explained. "The good news is that Jack said his knees don't hurt anymore."

Hammond closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. "And is this change permanent?"

Daniel nodded his head. "Since wizards live a long time it seems as if magic makes adjustments when there is a huge age difference between soul mates so that they can have a life time together."

Hammond exhaled slowly. "What else do you have to report Dr Jackson."

"Umm I told you about the goblins," Daniel started going back over the things hed already mentioned "About the Potter's library and vault," Daniels gaze was no longer fixed on the General so he assumed the linguist was counting things off on his fingers or checking a list to make sure he hadnt missed anything. "Luna says that Sam is under a Black Widow spell and that why Sam has such bad luck with men but she claims to be able to break the spell Jack might be a squib. They're going to have him tested just in case the American wizard community missed him as a child."

Daniel looked back up at the General, "Luna knew about the Stargate and that Teal'c is an alien. And the Asguard owe Luna a bar tab from when one of her ancestors ran a bar. Seems as if they liked to drink there." Daniel took a deep breath and said quickly. "Jacks expecting and we're going to see if the Goblin Nation can ward the mountain so that no one can get in or out without us knowing about it."

Daniel again looked away from the General, "And Archiater Greldrick who's a Goblin healer was interested in seeing if she could learn how we heal people. Since we're used to the unusual I suggested we might ask Janet if she might be willing to let her at least look at the infirmary."

General Hammond slowly replayed the rapid genius speak in his mind. "The Asguard owe one of Potter's friends money?"

Daniel smiled. "Yes sir. It seems they liked the local drink and had an account with Luna's ancestor and they never paid up. She asked if we see Thor if we could pass on the word that the bill is still due and it's collecting interest."

Hammond shook his head with dread at the idea of telling one of their trusted allies they have a bill due. "Do we know how much it is?"

Daniel shook his head. "She didn't know exactly how much it was but she was going to ask the Goblins since they're been keep track for her family."

Hammond sighed wearily as he rubbed his forehead as if to ward off a headache, his head slightly bowed. Suddenly he stopped and raised his head so that he could look directly at Daniel. "Did you say Colonel O'Neill was expecting," his narrowed eyes watched the young man carefully. "What **exactly** is the Colonel expecting?"

Daniel opened his mouth. Closed it. Open. Closed. "Well," he replied reluctantly drawing the word out.

"Dr Jackson," Hammond barked.

"It turns out that wizards both males and females can conceive. And since Jack bonded with Harry and they share his magic" Daniels voice trailed off.

General Hammond closed his eyes, rubbing his forehead as if to ward off the upcoming headache that was sure to follow. "Was that everything Dr Jackson or did you forget to mention anything?"

"No, sir," Daniel replied, "Thats everything."

Hammond opened his eyes and told Dr Jackson sternly. "I want a full report on my test at 0800, Dr Jackson."

Daniel blinked in shock. "But we're in England. How are we to get it there?"

"I'm sure that Mr. Potter will be able to help you with that, Dr Jackson." Hammond replied. "Dismissed."

Hammond grabbed the mirror from its resting place on his desk as Dr Jackson watched from his own mirror in shock and placed it back into the desk drawer. Closing the drawer, Hammond opened another drawer and pulled out a bottle of Tums.

Hammond opened the bottle and looked inside of it, counting the amount inside before shaking out 2 Tums. After eating the antacids Hammond pressed a button on the intercom.

"Yes, sir?" and voice replied from the intercom.

"Davison," he said pitching his voice so that the intercom would pick it up, "Please remind me to order more antacids."

~*~

Daniel walked into the library where his team had congregated along with Harry Potter's family and friends

Finding the Colonel reading a book on male pregnancy, which Archiater Greldrick had **strongly** recommend that he read, Daniel sat down across from Jack.

"Daniel," Jack greeted him without looking up.

"Jack," Daniel said in reply.

Jack turned a page of the book. "How was your talk with the General?"

"Fine. It was fine," Daniel picked up an old fashion fountain pen and toyed with it.

Jack placed a bookmark on the page he was reading and closed the book. Raising his head, Jack looked at his friend with an almost Buddha like expression before saying "Tried to slip it past him, huh?"

"No," Daniel said defensively only to wilt under O'Neill's gaze. "Maybe."

"Daniel. Daniel. Daniel when will you ever learn?" Jack shook his head sadly.

"Thats it's impossible to slip past the General since he's a General?" Daniel suggested.

A thoughtful look came to O'Neill's face. "No I'm pretty sure that its not so much his being a General but more his having been a father and grandfather. Plus you have this little tell that shows up when you're trying to pull a fast one."

"Tell?" Daniel echoed.

"There this little spot on your left temple that you scratch when you're trying to avoid telling me something," Jack pointed out.

"I do not," Daniel replied in outrage.

Jack simply nodded his head while a smirk graced his lips.

"Were you able to contact General Hammond?" Harry asked as he grabbed a chair next to Jack and sat down.

"He did," Jack replied with a smirk.

Harry looked at Jack and then at Daniel. "Tried to slip it by him, huh?"

Daniel growled softly as he glared at the two men before him.

It was at that moment that the library doors slammed open. Immediately everyone jumped to their feet weapons and wands in hand. Harry had unconsciously placed himself between Jack and this new threat.

"Lucy! I'm home," called out one of the two red headed intruders.

"Please let me kill them!" Warrior Bloodblade begged as he glared at the twin intruders from where he stood with Remus, Sirius, Major Ferretti and Teal'c. "Please let me kill them!"

"You can't," Archiater Greldrick replied from her spot next to Major Carter. "They make a profit."

One of the twins looked at the other. "Can't you _just_ feel the love, Gred?"

"Indeed I can Feorge. Indeed I can," The other twin replied. "Why Bloodblade is practically quivering with anticipation."

With a moan Harry sat down and buried his face in his hands. "Please stop tormenting Bloodblade and Rick," he begged.

"But Harry, it's through torment and pain," the twin called Gred started.

"That great art and pranks come," George finished.

"No," Bloodblade snarled. "Through torment and pain comes evisceration and death."

"Brother," Greldrick called out to her brother, "Evisceration and death are the end to all. Needles and exams are the true path of torment and pain." The Goblin healer then turned towards the twins, "Which reminds me, I believe you gentlemen are overdue for a checkup, are you not?"

The twins looked at each other and then at Bloodblade. "Isn't that cheating?" they asked as one pointing at Greldrick.

Bloodblade shrugged his shoulders. "She's a healer what do you expect? For them to play nice?"

"No," one twin said while the other said "but"

"Fred. George. Please don't," Harry begged from where he sat at the table, holding his head.

"But Harry," they whined.

"No buts," Harry said as he raised his head from his hands. "You two do realized the only reason neither one of you have had an _accident_ is because you're profitable."

"Did you hear that, Gred," Feorge said as he looked at his twin. "We're profitable."

Gred replied, "Does this mean they like us?"

Feorge nodded his head. "I believe do my dear brother. I believe so."

The twins then turned and looked at the goblins with an almost evil grin. "They like us!"

Bloodblade closed his eyes and sighed warily. "You are a very evil person, Harry Potter," he said.

Harry shrugged his shoulders. "Can you see a better way to encourage them to make a profit or new _toys_ for me?"

"But torturing ones' allies is wrong," Bloodblade countered.

Harry snorted. "Tell that to your sister."

With a smirk Greldrick supplied, "Healers are exempt from that rule."

"So thats why my dad wanted me to be a doctor instead of joining the Air Force," Lou commented to himself.

"Feorge?" Gred said as he looked at Lou.

"Yes Gred?" the brother replied.

"I do believe we're forgetting something."

"I do believe you're right.

"Lady Potter," they said as one before turning their attention of Major Carter. In a flash the twins were beside her, each of them holding one of hands.

"My dear charming lady, allow me to introduce myself, I am George Weasley," Gred said as he kissed the back of Carter's hand.

"And I, Lady Potter, am Fred Weasley," Feorge said as he mimicked his brothers actions.

"And she is not Lady Potter," Luna pronounced as she stepped into the room, a smoking goblet in her hands.

The twins looked at Luna then at Carter and then back at Luna once again.

"But how could she not be?" Gred demanded.

Feorge looked around. "There are no other ladies here beside you."

"And we all know your heart and soul belongs to Neville," Gred teased.

"Besides she's very beautiful like all the Potter women have been," Feorge stated as he looked over Carter with appraising eye.

"And intelligent," Gred chimed in. "Don't forget all the Potter's ladies have been blindingly intelligent."

"However she's not a red head," Feorge said as he turned towards this brother.

"That could be a problem," Gred said as he eyed Carter's blond hair. "After all how could someone be warned to expect a fiery tempter if not for the red hair."

"And that's one thing all of the Weasley men are experts on," Feorge added in.

Carter looked back and forth between the twins as the babbled back and forth not allowing anyone to get a word in edgewise. Finally in desperation she covered the brothers' mouth with her hands. "I am **not** Lady Potter," she declared as she looked each of the brothers in the eye.

Gred pull Carter's hand from his mouth. "But if you're not then who is?" he said before replacing her hand over his mouth.

"Why Jack is of course," Tic said as she thrust the smoking goblet at Carter. "You need to drink that before it warms up."

Carter eyes the goblet as she removed her hands from the twins. "What is that?"

"It the cure for Black Widow spell, of course," Luna replied.

"You should probably drink that," Gred said as he eyes the goblet with distrust. "I don't know what a Black Widow spell is"

"But it sounds nasty," Feorge finished what his brother was saying. "So pinch your nose and chug it down. It can't be any worst the Skele-Gro."

Carter looked at the smoking goblet with suspicion.

"It's best to do as they say, Major," Potter chimed in from where he sat. "If Tic says you're cursed then you're cursed. Beside it's not like she's going to poison you. Unless she doesnt like you of course."

"I'll have you know that I've only tried to poison someone only a few dozen times or so," Luna stated. "Unfortunately I could never get it to work exactly right. They kept coming down with the runs at both ends."

"Ex-lax is not a poison," Harry sighed.

Luna cocked her head to the side. "But then why do they warn parents to watch out for their children taking it?"

"Because some human are stupid and believe it will make them prettier, child," Greldrick explained.

"Ohhhhh," Luna said in a very child like manner before turning to Major Carter and saying, "You really need to drink that now."

Carter took the goblet from Luna's hand and looked into the goblet. She then looked over at Colonel O'Neill. "Sir?"

Jack shrugged his shoulder. "Harry said it was safe."

"I did not. I said she won't poison someone she likes" Harry said in his defense.

The members of SGC stared at Harry in shock.

"You better drink that now Major, before it gets warm," Harry said sweetly as he ignored the stares.

Carter looked down at the goblet. She then took a deep breath and raised the goblet to her lips. In the same amount of time it takes to chug a beer, Carter finished the goblet. She stood there with a distasteful look on her face.

"Sweet Hannah," she gasped before hurrying over to a hug urn and started to purge her stomach into it.

"Harry?" Remus said as he watched the Major empty her stomach, "Isn't that Ming Dynasty urn?"

Harry nodded his head as Dr Jackson whimpered.

Carter raised her head, her complexion slightly green. "What was that?" she asked as she gulped air.

"The cure," Luna replied as she walked over and looked into the urn. "See spider bits."

Carter looked into the urn to see black spider bits floating in her vomit. "Sweet Hannah," she gasped before throwing up once again.

"So where is this Jack character?" Feorge asked as he turned his back on Carter while Gred cast an air freshener spell.

Jack slowly raised his hand.

The Twins stared at Jack as an evil grin slowly grew on their faces.

"Our almost brother has a husband and not a wife," Feorge said.

"Ginny will be so sad," Gred said with a pout.

"She's lost her Harry," Feorge added in as he made puppy eyes at Harry.

"Her meal ticket," Gred said

"Her source of wealth," Feorge said

"Of fame"

"Of fortune"

The twins turned and looked at each other. An almost demonic grin appeared on their faces. "Excellent!"

While the members of SGC look upon the Twins with confusion and some concern, those who were more familiar with the Twins fond tolerance.

"Do you think that he's been properly vetted yet?" Gred asked.

Feorge nodded his head before adding in, "After all just because he's Harry's soul mate doesn't mean he's a proper husband to our little Harrykins."

The Twins look at each other and as one said, "Of course not."

"I guess it's up to us," Feorge said.

"To once again to save the day," Gred finished.

And with that the Twins sprung on Jack and pulled him out of the chair. They then dragged their helpless victim toward a far corner of the library.

"Be careful with him," Greldrick called out, "he's with child."

The Twins stopped and looked back at Harry who simply shrugged his shoulders. With a nod of their heads the Twins continued on with their kidnapping of the Colonel.

"10 Galleons says that Harry has to rescue him in 10 minutes," Remus said.

Sirius scoffed at Remus' bet. "20 Galleons say that Harry won't have to rescue him at all."

"Umm should we be concerned?" Lou asked as he watched the Twins as they talked to the Colonel.

"No," Bloodblade said. "No matter how much I **despise** them, they are honorable warriors."

Teal'c raised an eyebrow at Bloodblade's choice of words.

"So who are they?" Lou asked as he continued to watch them.

"The Weasley twins," Remus answered. "Fred and George."

"Or as they say Feorge and Gred. They're own mother can't tell them apart," Sirius supplied.

Remus nodded his head. "They're also pranksters, so I would be careful about eating or touching anything the Twins offer you."

"Because of that no one takes them seriously," Sirius said. "Of course it's to our benefit since the Twins are scary but brilliant weapon designers."

"Weapons? Really? What types?"

~*~

The Twins released Jack once they reached the corner.

"So you're the new" the twin on the left started to say then stopped realizing it didnt fit. "Well he's not Lady Potter."

The twin on the right shook his head. "No he doesn't have red hair."

"Or the big knockers."

"We could give him a set."

Jack glared at them his arms crossed across his chest. "Lets not and say we did," he replied before the brothers could continue with this line of thought. "Now who **exactly** are you two?"

"Dear brother I think the poor chap might be hard of hearing," the twin on the left stated sadly.

The twin of the right nodded his head. "I'm afraid you might be right. After all how could have missed our grand entrance?"

"**My name is Feorge. This is my brother Gred,**" the brother on the left shouted.

The brother who had been introduced as Gred hit Feorge on the arm. "No! I'm Feorge. You're Gred."

Feorge looked at his brother in confusion. "Are you sure?" he asked.

A thoughtful look appeared on Gred's face finally he shrugged his shoulder and said, "Pretty sure. I think. Then again maybe I'm Gred. You're Feorge."

By this time, the Twins had Jack shaking his head as he pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Look," he said as his hand dropped away from his face as he looked at his current source of frustration. "Why don't I just call you Dingbat 1," Jack pointed at Gred and then at Feorge, "and Dingbat 2 instead?"

The twins looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders.

"I guess that would be alright," Dingbat 1 answered.

Dingbat 2 nodded his head. "But we do want to know one thing first?"

"What's a Dingbat?" Dingbat 1 a.k.a. Gred asked.

Jack waved off the question. "Ask Daniel. Now what did you want to talk about that was so important you had to drag me away?"

"Well we want to vet you," Feorge, Dingbat 2 answered.

"We wanted to get to know you," Gred added in.

"To see if you can keep a poor little ickle Harry in the proper manner."

"To make sure you'll love him."

"And pet him."

"And call him George."

Feorge turned to Gred and said "But he's name is Harry."

The Twins shrug their shoulders at each other as they dismiss the whole matter of Harry's name. Then in a disturbing manner the Twins turned their attention back towards Jack.

Jack stared at the Twins as he watched them breath in and exhale at the same time. Blink at the same time. Even scratch their nose at the same time.

"No offence but you two are creepy," Jack blurted out.

An innocent but very disturbing grin appeared on the Twins face.

"You."

"Haven't."

"Answered."

"Our."

"Question."

"You know if it wasn't for the red hair I would have figured you two were part of the Addams family," Jack said with a shake of his head. "And as for Harry it's none of your **damn** business. What happens between me and Harry is just that; between me and Harry."

The Twins pulled back as if slapped as the creepy psychotic act the Twins had been playing disappeared. In its place was a playful mood.

"You know he has a point," Feorge said.

Gred nodded his head. "It's a bit like knowing about Ronniekins assorted adventures with a two-headed beaver."

"But we already know all about it," Feorge commented. "After all we do sell the videos of it."

"As horror movies?" Luna asked, as she seemed to appear suddenly from behind the Twins.

The Twins turned to Luna. "Some might consider them to be," one of the Twins replied.

"But the Librarian and naughty school boy video seems to be very popular," the other Twins added in.

Luna shakes her head sadly as she reaches between the Twins and grabs Jack. "Come along Colonel," she says as she pulls him away from the Twins. "We don't want you to get infected with a Kracklebow like they have been."

"Kracklebow?" Jack said.

"Oh yes! They're a cousin of the Bowtruckle. Very nasty things," Luna stated. "You really don't want to mess with either one."

~*~

Harry handed Bloodblade a glass with two fingers worth of fire whiskey inside before sitting down with him. The two warriors enjoyed the liquid as they sat quietly in Harry's den. The fire in the fireplace was the only source of noise for a time.

"Where is your bondmate, my friend?" Bloodblade asked as he stared into the crackling fire before them.

"He's with his I guess you could call them his family since that is the way he feels about them," Harry replied before taking a sip from his glass.

Bloodblade nodded his head. "That is often the case with true warriors, young ones," he declared.

"I wish I believed that," Harry said sadly.

Bloodblade looked over at Harry. "If they had been true to you then they would be as his family is to him. You were young and innocent. You must remember they tricked and betrayed you and for that someday they will pay for their crimes against you."

Harry sighed wearily as he ran his hand through his hair. "I know it's just hard to trust anyone anymore."

"You trust your godfather and the werewolf," Bloodblade stated. "You trust the one you call Tic and those two bothersome creatures."

Harry snorted. "You really don't like the Fred and George do you?"

"They are annoying," Bloodblade stated. "I know they are fierce and honorable fighters but they do not take anything serious except for their tricks. It goes against the grain that makes up my people's way of life."

"They take things more seriously than you think they do, Bloodblade," Harry said in their defense. "Their act is just that an act. Too many people judge them by their act instead of actually looking at what they're doing and saying and because of that they're left wondering what happen after the Twins destroyed them."

Bloodblade sighed. "And I am guilty of that too," he said before gulping down the rest of his drink. "So what is the real reason for the drinks, alone in your den, Harry? I'm sure it's not to discuss the Twins."

Harry looked down into his glass. "I need to have Gringotts investigate someone for me," he said.

Bloodblade nodded his head. "As always those of Gringotts are always happy to help our valued account holders. Who is this person?"

"Colonel Jack O'Neill," Harry finished his drink off in one gulp.

Bloodblade stared at Harry in shock. "Your bondmate! You want us to investigate your bondmate?"

"Yes."

"But why?" Bloodblade demanded, staring at Harry in shock and confusion. "Do you not trust your bondmate your soulmate?"

"I trust him with my heart and soul and with my children," Harry assured his friend. "But you have to understand my friend to rise in the rank he has in the military to become a Colonel Jack has to have made some enemies. I need to know who they are to protect him and our children."

"Ahhh," Bloodblade said in an understanding tone. "What better way to protect what's yours than to take out what is a threat to it before it can cause any harm you or yours."

"Exactly," Harry replied. "While I doubt that Jack will allow me to dispose of his enemies for him, at least by knowing who they are I can watch for them."

Bloodblade chuckled. "Yes. Yes I could tell that one prefers to deal with his enemies on his own rather than to have someone else do it for him."

"There is something else I want Gringotts to investigate," Harry said as he watched how the firelight played on his empty glass as he moved his hand that was holding it.

"And what would that be?" Bloodblade asked with interest.

"Jack had a child, a son but there was an accident and he died," Harry explained.

"And you want us to investigate his death?" Bloodblade said.

Harry nodded his head. "Yes. I want to know if it was an accident or if it was something else."

"And if was something else?" Bloodblade asked

"Then we will deal with it then."


	12. The Pretty Lady

**Title:** The Pretty Lady

**Author:** Lady FoxFire

**Pairing(s):** Jack/Harry

**Rating:** M

**Warning:** Slash

**Category(s):** Crossover

**Summary:** StarGate SG-1/Harry Potter - Sometime in life you have to do the one thing you absolutely dread to get the one thing you absolutely need or want, so you can do the one thing you have to do. And sometime people get sucked in to it. Post Hogwarts, Slash

**Disclaimer:** Im too tired to think up something cute so here it is I dont own the Harry Potter or StarGate SG-1 series and I make no money from this fic.

**Bad Author Notes:** Happy Halloween. Happy Samhain which mean summer end which mean Happy Celtic New Years

* * *

Harry walked into the sitting room connected to master bedroom to find Jack sitting on the couch reading a book on male pregnancy. With a sigh Harry sat down on the far end of the couch.

"Hi," Harry said.

"Hey," Jack said as he closed the book on the bookmark.

"What are you reading," Harry asked as his hand unconsciously played with the hem of his shirt.

"It's a book, Rick gave me," Jack replied gently tossing the book onto the cushion between them. "It's all about male pregnancy and what I should expect."

"Oh," Harry said glumly as his eyes took in the title of the book and the picture of a pregnant man on the cover. "I'm real sorry, Jack. I honestly"

"I know. I know, Harry," Jack waved his hand as if to dismiss the subject. "You're not the first kid to end up a dad due to the lack of sex ed in schools. I just hadn't expected to wake up this morning to learn that I've caught the world's #1 STD."

"What?" Harry sputtered with wide eyes. "What are you talking about? Rick didn't say anything about you being sick!"

"Babies are the world's #1 STD," Jack explained upon seeing Harry's reaction. "Saw it on a t-shirt once."

Harry let out a snort, which soon transformed itself in a chuckle. "We'll I never thought of babies that way before but it does make sense."

"And then when they're born they become little vampires which suck the life out of you while being so cute that you can't help yourself but to love them," Jack said with a fond smile. "Of course by the time they hit their teens, the cute effect has worn off and you're wondering why you decided to have kids in the first place."

"That must be why most wizard families send their children to boarding school for most of the year," Harry observed. "Im surprised it's not year long given some of kids I went to school with."

"With what I've learn about that Dumble character, he probably wants them to go back and spread the word about how great he is and how everyone should worship him," Jack said.

"The scary thing is you're probably right," Harry agreed with a sad sigh.

"So how did you keep from being one of his worshippers?" Jack asked.

"The public library," Harry answered. "Growing up with the Dursley, my life was pretty much limited to the house, school and the library since Dudley was afraid of reading. If I went to the parks I would have had to deal with Dudley and his gangs or some adults who believed the Dursley's lies."

"So I take it you read a lot of books," Jack put in.

Harry nodded his head. "I couldn't take any out since Dudley would probably destroy them. Besides the Dursleys would never let me have a library card. But I would sneak in there and read until I was expected home to cook dinner. I remember one book, can't remember the time but it was about a soldier in a POW camp during World War 2. You do what you have to in order to stay alive, stay healthy but you never forget who the enemy is. You gather information that might be useful and whenever possible give your enemies the respect they deserve."

"A knife in the back," Jack added in.

"A bomb in the loo," Harry commented

"Their plans for world domination up in flames," Jack said.

"And the good guy gets the girl" Harry trailed of as he glanced over at Jack, "well maybe not in this case."

Jack snorted. "So I would be smart in assuming that the Dursleys got what they deserved?"

"You would be," Harry replied smugly.

Jack waited a minute for Harry to continue but when he didn't, Jack let out a snort as asked, "So what did you do to them?"

"Well I didn't do anything personally," Harry said.

"Ya, sure, you betcha," Jack said in tone that said while my words say I agree, I know better.

"I may have reported some _unusual_ things to Inland Revenue," Harry said.

"Inland Revenue?" Jack said in confusion.

"Tax collectors," Harry explained in the simplest fashion.

Jack eyes grew slightly wider. "Oh the British version of the IRS. If they're as evil as the American version then I could almost pity them. Almost."

Harry snorted. "It gets worse from there. Before I could contact the Inland Revenue, Dudley, my cousin, decided to enlist in the Army."

"I take it your Aunt and Uncle were less than pleased," Jack commented.

"They disowned him," Harry answered. "After an incident where he nearly had his soul sucked out by a Dementor, Dudley grew up a lot and realized he didn't want to grow up to be like his parents. So when he was old enough he enlisted."

"And they disowned him," Jack said.

Harry shrugged his shoulder. "They disowned him more for enlisting as someone I don't know the military term but they won't become an officer."

"Non-com. Non-commissioned officer," Jack supplied.

"Right, so they disowned him for enlisting as a non-com," Harry continued on with his story. "From what I heard while in training the person responsible for the training told his group that if they knew of someone who had committed a crime or was a danger to the Crown then they had to report them or they would be viewed as accessory to the crime."

"So he turned them for tax evasion," Jack said.

Harry shook his head. "For me not attending school," he answered. "He told how at the beginning of the school year my uncle would take me into London and how I won't reappear until the end of year. He told them how I went to either to Hogwarts or St. Brutus' Secure Centre for Incurably Criminal Boys."

"And of course they couldn't find a reference to either place," Jack added in with a 'cat that had the cream' grin

"Exactly. That combined with the fact that no one could find me and Inland Revenue had records of Petunia receiving funds for my upkeep while I was not living there and hiding half of those funds from Vernon and Vernon not declaring any of that money on their taxes," Harry explained.

"Ouch," Jack said with an evil chuckle. "I take it they're in jail?"

Harry nodded his head. "Penniless too. They lost everything."

"And your cousin?" Jack asked.

"Still in the service," Harry answered. "I check up on him from time to time to see if he has fathered a child and how he would treat the child if it's magical. But as of yet, Dudley hasn't."

"Sometimes something good will grow out of a barrel filled with rotten apples. It just needs to see the light of day for it to happen," Jack commented.

"Yeah but I just wish I hadn't been stuck in that barrel too," Harry said softly before standing up. "It's late. We better go to bed since we have a lot to do tomorrow."

"Add exactly what do we have to do tomorrow?" Jack asked.

"We need to see if we can get you a wand or maybe a staff. You'll need a way to magically defend yourself if Dumbledore or Voldemort finds out about you," Harry explained. "And then after that I thought I would see if the goblins had a list of what is in my vault for Daniel. I would take him myself but right now it isn't safe for a Muggle to be anywhere near Diagon Alley."

"Daniel's going to pout all day," Jack stood up. "So how are we doing the sleeping arrangements?"

"Sleeping arrangements?" Harry replied.

"The bed," Jack nodded towards the bedroom.

Harry stared at the bedroom door in confusion until suddenly his eyes grew wider and his face grew red. "Ahh umm I'm not really sure. What do you want to do about our sleeping arrangements?"

Jack sighed in frustration. "Will us sleeping apart effect the bond in anyway?" Jack asked.

"I won't know," Harry admitted, as all his self-confidence seems to vanish. "Sirius or Remus might know but they're probably asleep right now. I could wake them up and ask."

Jack grabbed Harry's arm as he started for the door. "Harry, don't worry about it," he said as Harry turned back to him. "It can wait until morning. Besides it's not the first time I've shared a bed. And let me tell you Daniel has cold feet and he hogs the blankets."

"Are you sure? I mean I'm sure Dobby could find another bed or I could sleep on the couch," Harry suggested.

"Yeah, I'm sure," Jack admitted. "Besides we in this until death do we part so we might as well start getting used to it."

Harry simply nodded his head accepting Jacks words.

Jack laid his hand on Harrys shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "Trust me, Harry, this is the easy part."

"The easy part!" Harry stared at Jack with wide eyes.

Jack nodded his head. "The hard part comes at 4 in the morning when the baby is crying and you're dead tired. When all you want to do is sleep but your little one just wants to be held. When they're sick and the doctor's office doesn't open until 8 in the morning. That when this gets tough."

Harry nodded squaring his shoulders preparing to face what was to come.

"And don't get me started on diapers," Jack pulled Harry towards the bedroom door. "I swear there were times I should have been wearing a Hazmat suit."

* * *

"Welcome to Diagon Alley," the young woman on Jack's arm said as they walked through the entrance way into the magical street.

"It's very Victorian," Jack looked around the crowded streets.

"I know," the woman said as she brushed her long brown hair away from her face. "Whenever I visit here I'm reminded of just how nice the modern world is even with all its ignorance."

"Delivery pizza and hockey," Jack suggested.

"Electricity and movies," the woman suggested. "Oh and jeans and t-shirts," she added in as they passed a woman dressed in very eccentric outfit.

Jack nodded his head as he spied the same woman. "Yeah, jeans and t-shirts are good. So where are we going, exactly?"

"To Strider," the woman reply. "We need to see if we can get you a wand or some other magical object."

"So we're going over there?" Jack pointed at narrow and shabby little shop, which wore the sign that said Ollivander Makers of Fine Wands since 382 B.C.

The woman on Jack's arm shook her head. "No. That's Ollivander," she said disgust. "He sold his soul to the Devil a long time ago so we don't do business with him."

"Sold his soul to the Devil?" Jack said.

"The Ministry," the woman clarified. "Sometime in the past Ollivander or one of his ancestors made an agreement with the Ministry to put a monitor spell on the wands they sold in return Ollivander's became the official wand maker of all of Britain. The problem is that the monitor spell corrupts the wand. Where before the wand would have been a perfect fit, it becomes an almost perfect fit. And because of that, it allows others to use your wand if they're a close fit to you. If the wand had been a perfect fit, no one else would be able to use your wand if they were able to get a hold of it."

"If that's the case then why does anyone go there? I would figure that people would want the best wand for themselves, not the second best," Jack asked.

"They would if they knew about it. When the agreement between Ollivander and the Ministry went into effect the Ministry made it illegal for anyone to own a wand that did not come from the official wand maker. They also made it illegal to own any text about how to make wands. From what I understand there was a great purge as the Ministry made sure no one could go behind their backs and make their own wands."

"I'm willing to bet they covered it up so that the average person didn't know about it either," Jack commented.

"They did," the woman replied. "I was lucky that one of my ancestors wrote down about what was happening."

"So we're off to see an illegal wand maker," Jack said softly so only the woman could hear.

"Nope," the woman replied cheerfully. "One of the lawmakers snuck in a time limit to the law. The law was only valid for 250 years. Unfortunately by that time the damage was done."

"So anyone can make a wand now," Jack said.

The woman nodded her head as the stop before store that specialized in leather. "But wands sold to children still are require to have monitor spell places on them," she explained, "And only Ollivander is authorized to do that."

"So why don't they get new wands when they're no longer needed," Jack asked as he opened the door for the woman.

"Because they're used to the way their wand feels. Even with the monitor spell removed the wand is still corrupt but it's what they're used to," she explained. "It would be like learning to drive then and the moving to America where you drive on the wrong side of the road."

"No, we drive on the right side," Jack replied. "It's you Brits who drive on the left."

The woman snorted. "Strider," the woman called out to the empty shop, "I've brought you a customer."

"Yeah and why do you think I want him is as a customer?" a gruff voice replied from the back of the shop.

"Because we don't want to visit Ollivander," The woman replied.

A snort came from the back room and a moment later a rugged looking man in his late 30s walked into the front of the shop. He looked directly at Jack and the woman before turning around and walking back to the back of the shop as he said, "Follow me."

The back of the store was a nice size workshop in which various pieces of leather were being worked on including one on a dressmaker's dummy.

"Spin around girl," the man, Strider ordered.

Jack's companion slowly turned around until she was once again facing Strider and then she dropped down into a curtsey.

"How?" Strider said in a brisk voice.

"Muggle make-up," the woman replied.

"Muggle make-up can change a boy into a girl?" Strider said in disbelief.

"With the correct make-up a Muggle special effects artist can make an old man with the darkest skin color you have even seen look like a young Irish woman with flaming red hair," the man dressed as a woman replied.

Jack snorted. "They could make a human look like a goblin. A good artist can made someone look like the most horrible monster from your worst nightmares or make you look like you were in some horrible accident."

Strider looked over to Jack and then to the man in disguise. "But how did you get the" Strider held his cupped hands in front of chest.

"Prosthetics. They're fake," the man replied.

"Damn shame," Strider said with a shake of his head as he stared down at them. "They're the best looking breasts I've seen in a long time."

"Well if you ever got out of your workshop and out of the wizard community you can see some more," the man suggested.

"I would head down to the French Riviera or Miami if you want to see beautiful women," Jack suggested. "There some lovely ladies in Miami would like to roller blade in their bikinis."

"Harry," Strider said, as he looked direct at the man disguised as a woman, "What's a bikini? And what are roller blades."

"Strider, my friend, watching a beautiful woman in a bikini roller skating is as close to Nirvana as a man can get without being allowed to touch," Harry replied.

"French Riviera?" Strider said as he glanced over at Jack.

"I prefer Miami but that's me," Jack replied with a shrug of his shoulder.

Strider nodded his head. "Right. So what can I do for you?"

"Jack needs a wand," Harry said simply.

Strider looks at Harry then at Jack and then back at Harry once again. "This is something I need to forget about after you leave my store, right?"

Harry nodded his head in agreement. "We also need to buy some armor for Jack and his friends too."

"We do?" Jack said in confusion.

"We do," Harry stated firmly as he fished a piece of paper from his brassiere. "I have this friends measurements right here."

"Damn shame," Strider said softly as he took the paper from Harry's hand. "Standard armor?"

"Dragon for Jack, standard for the rest," Harry replied.

"Someone not like you, Jack?" Strider asked as he looked over at Jack.

Jack shrugged his shoulders. "I know a lot of people who don't like me. And is there a chance we could get dragon for Daniel?"

"A lot of people don't like him either?" Strider asked.

"He seems to have been born with a target on his back and a honest trusting face," Jack replied.

"The boy isn't a politician, is he?" Strider growled.

"Archaeologist," Jack replied

Strider turned to Harry who translated, "Tomb raider."

"Right. Which one your wand arm, son," Strider said as the turned to Jack.

Jack looked over at Harry for a translation.

"Jack's a bit of a late bloomer, Strider," Harry explained. "Never had a wand before."

Strider looked over at Harry then back at Jack with a thoughtful look on his face. "What do you do for a living, Jack?"

"I serve in the U.S. military, Jack replied.

"Get shot at a lot? Need both hands free?" Strider asked.

"Occasionally. And yes," Jack answered.

Strider nodded his head. "Know how to fight and not just with guns but man against man."

"And with different types of weapons," Jack agreed.

"So you won't be wanting a wand, rod or staff. Need your hands more," Strider said more to himself than to Harry and Jack. "Can you use both hands?"

"If you mean in a fight then yes. If you mean ambidextrous, than no," Jack answered.

Strider snorted. "You'll find most wizards cant find their own ass with both hands, let alone fight with them."

"I think you'll find that description fits a lot of people and not just wizards," Jack offered.

Strider chuckled. "I take it earrings are out, along with a pendent since it could be ripped off in a fight."

Jack nodded his head.

"So that leaves rings and bracers," Strider declared. "So that means we're fitting you for a set of bracers."

"Why not a ring?" Jack asked as Strider started to sort through some pieces of leather.

"Because I'm a leathersmith, not a goldsmith, so you're going to get a set of bracers," Strider stated. "That is unless you know a goldsmith who can craft you a ring that can be used like a wand."

Jack looked over at Harry, who shook his head no. "The only human goldsmith I know well ummm, lets just say I would rather **not** do business with him in any shape or form. And one crafted by a goblin won't work with human's magic."

Strider suddenly dropped a pile of different pieces of leather onto a table next to Jack. "Pick one," he said as he waved a hand at them.

"Pick one?" Jack echoes back

"Go through the leathers and find the one that feels right," Harry explained.

"Feels right?" Jack said in disbelief

"When you find the right piece it will feel like your favorite shirt or blanket you put on after a bad day," Harry explained. "When you find that then Strider can make that piece into your bracer."

Jack rolled his eyes before starting to sort through the pile of leather.

"Where's your family from, Jack," Strider asked.

"Minnesota," Jack answered.

Strider growled softly. "I meant you ancestors. Britain, Ireland, Scotland or someplace in Europe."

Jack looked over at Strider. "I'm an American that means I'm a mutt, a mix of different lands but 100% American. But if it matters any my last name is O'Neill."

"So you're of Celtic decent," Strider said.

"I guess," Jack said as he paused for a moment. "What does it matter?"

"Everything matters," Strider answered. "It would be worthless to carve Russian or Greek designs for someone not connect to that area."

Jack turned and looked over at Strider. "What about Egyptian?"

"Your mother side was Egyptian?" Strider asked.

"No. No she was a McMichael but I have some connection to Ancient Egypt," Jack explained.

Strider snorted. "Work related, huh? No, the design on your bracers will be Celtic. Beside the Celtic line is descended from a people much more ancient than those of Ancient Egypt."

Jack stared at Strider in surprise.

"Have you found it yet?" Strider demanded as he noticed that Jack had stopped his search.

"Ahhh no," Jack admitted as he started to look through the pieces of leather again. "I'm curious. Harry was explaining to me about how wands having monitoring spells on them. Is that true for the rest of the world or if I decided to get a wand, can I get one in America?"

"Not unless you have it specially made since most other countries that had been under British rule follow the Ministry lead," Strider explained.

"You know I'm actual not surprised to hear that. It just proves that people really are sheeple," Jack commented.

"Hey! Hey, I think I found it," Jack said excitedly as his hand rested on a piece of black leather.

"Hungarian Horntail," Strider says as he looked at the piece that Jack indicated was a match.

"Not the one from _Triwizard Tournament?" Harry asked._

_"Not as far as I know," Strider replied as he pulled he piece out of the pile. "And now we have to find the focus item."_

_"Focus items?" Jack said_

_"Think crystal for a laser," Harry suggested._

_Jack sighed. "Right. And I have to touch every one of them until I find the one that feels like home."_

_"Yeap," Harry replied. "And this is a lot easier than trying to find a pre-made wand. I went through hundreds of wands until found my current one."_

_"So why do you use that one instead of wand that isn't corrupted?" Jack asks as he watched Strider pull a big box from underneath of a table._

_"Because we can't find him a focus that will work with him," Strider said before Harry could reply. "Seems nearly dying a number of times made his magic lean to a phoenix style focus than anything else. And you need to be a wand maker or a potion maker to own something from a phoenix."_

Harry shrugged his shoulder at Strider's answer. "The phoenix at Hogwarts kind of likes me considering it's his tail feather in my wand."

"There you go. Have at it," Strider said as he waved his hand a series of boxes and jars he had laid out.

Jack looked over the items for a moment before reaching out and pulled a small stone with alternating bands of light and dark green. "Here," Jack said as he held out the stone to Strider before reaching out for another stone blackish grey metallic looking stone.

"Malachite," Strider said as he examined the first the stone. Taking the second stone, Strider said, "Hematite. A warrior stone."

Strider looked at Jack thoughtfully. "You sure about these two? You didn't spend much time looking."

"I am," Jack said with a firm nod of his head.

"Harry, look and see if there is anything he missed," Strider ordered.

"But it's his bracers, Strider. Shouldn't they be what he picked?" Harry asked.

"Just humor me, Harry," Strider replied.

"I remember what happened **last** time I humored you," Harry said as he came over and looked over the boxes and jars. After a moment or two Harry picked out black stone that seemed to have an inner glow.

"Now give it to Jack," Strider ordered.

Harry dropped the stone into Jack's hand, which closed around the small stone. Jack nodded his head as if accepting something before turning to Strider questioningly, holding out the stone to the man.

"Jet. Wards off evil and offers protection from thunderstorms," Strider said as he took the stone.

"Why didn't I pick it earlier?" Jack demanded. "It didn't call to me like the other two did but now it does."

"Malachite is for the man you were born. Hematite is for the warrior you became. And Jet is from the owner of your heart," Strider pronounced. "Even I can tell when a friend is more than a friend," he said as he saw Jack's and Harry's surprised look.

Turning his back towards them Strider said, "Come back in 4 days. I'll have everything done by then."

* * *

Chief Master Sergeant Walter Harriman was manning the Stargate operations room when he heard a faint pop behind him. He stiffed as he felt the presence of someone behind him. Slowly he swiveled his chair around only to find 5 beings behind him, watching him. These beings ranged in height from about 3 and half feet to 4 feet. They were dark skinned and had pointed noses. While they wore body armor that was similar to what was used on the base, their helmets looked like something out of a Middle Ages fantasy movie or video game.

Harriman blinked a couple of time before spinning his chair back around, his hand slamming down on the alarm button. Intruder alert! Security to operations! Intruder alert! Security to operations!

A snort of disgust came from one of the beings.

Hes human, Stonefist, one of the being said as Harriman turned around to face the being as the sound of security running towards the operations room grew louder.

If he was one of my goblins he would be reassigned to guarding dragon eggs, the tallest of the beings growled.

I doubt his position requires him to be on alert all the time, Stonefist. His position is probably like that of Lady Luna; know everything and arrange it so it blows up in the enemies face. Beside while his reaction time is beyond pitiful at least he did not soil himself like the last one, the goblin said in Harrimans defense.

Security appeared in the doorway. Halt! one of the security officers said as they pointed their weapons at the goblins.

Adequate timing for humans, the goblin answering to the name Stonefist commented.

True. They have a much better response time than the humans Im used to dealing with. Some of the Aurors Ive had to deal with wait until the danger has passed before appearing, the goblin stated. And speaking of guards, why do you need someone to guard dragon eggs?

I find dodging the flames from a fire breathing dragon improves the reflexes of my men or creates a new opening on my staff, Stonefist replied.

Umm excuse me, Harriman said, drawing the goblins attention back to him. Who are you and why are you here?

My pardon, the goblin that spoke in Harrimans defense said. I am Warrior Bloodblade of the British branch of Gringotts and my companion is Warrior Stonefist of the American branch. We were asked to speak to General Hammond about placing wards around your base by Colonel ONeill.

Harriman sighed wearily. Of course SG-1 would be involved.


End file.
